–In addition to my ongoing concerns about the other political and social issues I’ve discussed, if the prisoners in Iran die or continue to be indefinitely jailed and abused, I don’t think that I’ll be able to associate in any significant way, personally or professionally, with anyone or anything that supports those things happening. They are major human rights issues.

It doesn’t seem as if I have much choice about whether or not to have a blog; at the very least, I need one and have needed one for a while in order to try to restore my reputation as a moral person.

I do have a choice about individuals and whether or not to get to know them, make them a bigger or smaller part of my life, end my association with them, and variations on those things. That’s also true to a certain extent with work; I have no money at all and have to find a job doing something, somewhere, but there are a lot of working situations that I don’t have to choose to be in.

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June 19, 2011

I created this blog to deal with crossover between the personal and larger issues, as needed.

I realize that WordPress shows support for the larger issues that I don’t agree with; however, any blog that I try to use is immediately under pressure to show that support.

My presence on WordPress, or on any blog that shows support for those larger issues, doesn’t mean that I agree with the issues or have changed my mind about them.

There are people here at the shelter who have shown up to donate dinner. They are now talking in the common area.

The first thing that happened was that one of them said “And this is Frankie.” They’re talking to each other; at the time I supposed it could have been a coincidence, and now the woman in the group has mentioned a “leak.”

Now the guy seems to have moved on to talk about water and oil. I guess they’re just sitting there, waiting for a reaction, like everybody else who shows up here or gathers around me to make comments in the background.

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June 19, 2011

I don’t know that what I’m about to write is exactly personal, and it’s not the way I meant to use the blog. However, I’m going to speak to someone directly from here, and that is the kind of thing that needed a format separate from Weebly to do.

I just read through the text from the first of the three latest blog posts that show up on a Google search of the name “Barack Obama.

I’m going to say what I have to say, and then leave it here, because I’ve already been on the computer for a while and other people might start to grumble. I’m hoping to use it again tonight for other things I planned to write.

My first thought is this; don’t you think that you should talk to Congress even though you don’t need their approval? I don’t think that “brushing off” Congress only because this is an instance in which you don’t technically need the support is a good idea.

This is what I was talking about when I said “you should have been talking to Congress about the U.S.’s involvement in helping other countries establish democracy.” I still think that’s a good idea; even if you can’t get their support in the first or any of the conversations, you’ll still be initiating and trying to develop dialogue with the members of Congress. At the very least, that shows respect for them.

I think you should have an ongoing conversation with Congress about any major events, especially ones that involve things that they have to talk to their own voters about. Really, though, that’s true for any major event or activity of the U.S.; I don’t think that only talking to Congress when you absolutely have to is a good idea.

@7:37 p.m.

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June 19, 2011

–Stalked/Identity Theft

Anyone who’s still wondering if I was telling the truth about being stalked online when I wrote over the past couple of years about false search results that show up on Internet searches of the name Lena Kochman can try to trace the IP addresses and any other electronic information relevant to those search results. As I was told to do by the Vermont Attorney General’s office 2 years ago when hundreds of them appeared on the Internet, I contacted the Internet Crime Complaint Center, called IC3, to ask that the false results be removed. The IC3 is, as described under its title on the Internet:

——————

“A partnership between the FBI, the National White Collar Crime Center and the Bureau of Justice Assistance which acts to receive and investigate complaints …
www.ic3.gov/ -”

———-

I also asked at the time that the IC3 track the false results to their source and confront the person or people who had created them. At least one person whom I knew before I became famous was someone who I thought was most likely responsible for those first results. Since I had told another person whom it turned out I couldn’t trust with the information about the false results, I eventually thought it was possible if not likely that someone close to the person I told took some of the false search results and either used them as examples of something to do to annoy me or updated them herself, to annoy me also. That was my impression of what happened.

Several weeks after I first reported the false search results to the IC3, most of them disappeared suddenly. I don’t know if the IC3 tracked or warned the person or people who created them; I don’t think that the agency could have done that because they still appear from time to time. For example, soon after the first person who I thought had created them and who I think was responsible for most of them started showing up where I was working in the summer and fall of 2009, new (no code–I’m not going to keep writing that) search results appeared that included phrases such as “It’s nice to see you around.” That person was someone who had told the police that I was crazy for saying that he was harassing me.

A lot of the search results had sexual and/or violent terms in them, mixed up as nonsense text with my name either directly included or spliced in, as in:

———

Lena (stuff the person wrote….lots of nonsense/sexual/threatening terms) Kochman

——–

The search results got a lot less threatening after I got famous and had talked about them online with some specificity, although they remained insulting.

Here’s one, that I’ve taken from the Web, off a Google search of my name:

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“Lena Kirakosian – Pipl Profiles

lenah field fisher black bottom pie. lenagames pocketsol 3 torrent. lenah run community … lena kirakosian msn fnp-c. lena kirk admin service. lena kochman …
pipl.com/directory/name/Kirakosian/Lena”

————————————-

That one’s been there for a long time. It would be nice to see it go, to not see any new ones on the Internet through any search engine, and to resolve the question of whether or not I was truthful about that situation.

At the very least, anyone who electronically tracks those false search results won’t find anything that would lead him or her to believe that I created them myself as a way to discredit anyone. Also, anyone who watched what I was writing online about that situation, will remember how angry I was about it.

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June 19, 2011

Code for the name: 15.

I haven’t changed my thoughts since what I wrote on Polyvore. I get a lot of unpleasant and often threatening attention, in person, because of misperceptions about my history of interacting with 17. I have to write about that now, because it gets really dangerous in town for me sometimes. If I have a chance to look at your blog posts tonight or in the next few days, I will.

@8:44 p.m.

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June 19, 2011

Since, up until now, there has been no permanent, public record of my personal interactions with others online over the past 2 years, I feel that I should give some background for that.

First of all, if there are people who haven’t seen the overall situation happen, especially over the past year, those people might be very skeptical of me in terms of wondering why I still have communicated at all with people who have been in support of all the things that I’ve said I really think are bad.

As far as people such as “17” (code for the name) are concerned; I’ve been interacting online with him and others in that circle for more than a year. When I first started communicating with them, the major issue was the Internet homepage creators and celebrities posting lots of vaginal references up all the time, with all their other communication and I said, all the time, that I didn’t like that. I never changed my mind about it. I tried to communicate with everyone I talked to about that issue; I never went a full day without mentioning it and saying “These are the reasons why what you’re doing is bad.”

The pedophilia issue didn’t start with any of the celebrities until, I think, I was in the hospital or almost there, near the end of November, 2010. I had first noticed it in the Burlington Free Press, in the spring of 2010, and then it started to be reflected and encouraged on blog posts at least for both of the Obamas.

I protested and documented that issue until the day I ended up in the hospital, and I continued to protest it with phone calls to the media while I was in the hospital. I had no Internet access at all for the months that I was at the Vermont State Hospital, from November 22 or 23, 2010, until March 29, 2011.

Hoping that people will recover their personalities and re-establish a better value system for themselves is not the same thing as condoning their behavior; I do NOT condone the behavior of anyone who has supported those issues.

Regarding another side of what my interactions specifically with and about 17 have been like; one of the reasons that I completely refused him for a year was that I kept saying “But I’m a lot older than you are. It might not matter so much if you were in your late 20’s or early 30’s and I was in my early or mid-40’s, because then you would have had at least some time to meet a lot of people and date beautiful women in your own industry or anywhere that you met them. I don’t want to compete with the women who are going to be surrounding you for your entire life, and I don’t want to keep you from having the kind of youthful freedom that people only get once in their lives.”

Since I said that many, MANY times, I don’t appreciate the constant disparagement that is directed at me by harassers big and small, about 17 and how much younger he is than I am.

@8:55 p.m. (no code; I’m NOT going to keep saying that)

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June 20, 2011

Here’s code for the name: 17.

I wrote what I did last night because, as vicious as people who don’t know what happened over the past year are toward me, they are especially vicious about me in regard to you, and they are often supported in their misperceptions by people who do know what happened and who are malicious about me.

The general misperception has seemed to be that I, in early, middle-aged haghood, somehow ensnared you, almost if not entirely against your naive, young will which is a sin against humanity not to direct toward women your own age.

For the benefit of people who don’t know what really happened, and as a reminder to people who do, I will describe what our interactions have consisted of:

1. Constant objections from me about what I consider your disgusting behavior.

2. A consistent refusal to date you because of our ages and the specific ages that we are.

3. A consistent refusal to date you when you already have a girlfriend.

I didn’t write anything that I wrote last night to indicate that I’ve changed my opinion on any of what I consider your disgusting behavior. I still have a lot of reservations about the second one, and #3 is as it ever was.

@ 2:16 p.m./edit @ 2:20 p.m. (No code. I’m not going to keep writing that. I’m an adult, and it’s embarrassing that this is how I’ve been communicating with other adults.)

(@11:13 p.m. I just realized the mistake I made earlier; I was combining people whom I’ve met and who have been vicious about me in regard to you because they don’t know what happened with people who do know what happened and who are both malicious about me and who are promoting pedophilia. I have yet to have anyone do or say anything to me in person that would suggest that they think that you personally should be having sex with children. I’ve removed the part of the sentence that was in error.)

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June 20, 2011

There’s code here for the name: Gross Encounters.

My dating principles that are relevant to what I may have at first misinterpreted as your attempt to be kind to me are as I wrote them above.

As far as your general behavior is concerned; I think it’s been a long time since you understood what the general public needs. Most women can’t get through the day successfully with everyone talking about vaginas all the time. It seems to me that the entertainment industry thinks that it can’t get through the day without talking about vaginas all the time, but I need to ask the entertainment industry to stop doing that because it’s really hurting people, and it’s going to hurt more and more people the longer it continues.

@2:27 p.m.

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June 20, 2011

There’s a boy here who’s maybe about 10. He’s running around with a toy gun. He asked me if he could use the Internet when I was done with it so that he could check his Facebook page.

Then, as he was talking to people behind me, all men, he said something to them, I think about the gun and maybe its fake bullets. He said “This isn’t the sticky one; this one is the sticky one.” He said that a few times, and then he went into the other room for a minute, where I could still see him, and said “Nice mess.”

The backgrounds on this computer and the other one both show water scenes.

It’s all bad. The same guy in his 50’s who usually harasses me when I’m here just sat down at the computer next to this one and started talking to a guy on the couch behind us about how the background on his computer is “an island somewhere.” This guy has probably been here all day, or at least for much of the day; it’s not as if he wouldn’t have noticed before that the background picture on the screen is water-related.

@ 2:58 p.m./addition @ 3:00 p.m.

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June 20, 2011

There’s code for the name here: 15.

What I wrote about on Polyvore is still how I feel.

I looked up the website for “Women Rock For The Cure.” I should have done that before I said anything to you about your use of their ad; it is always a better idea for me to do that than not.

I’m not sure about them; the YouTube video has the “Play” button pretty much over the woman’s nose, which I have noticed hasn’t been meant as a woman-supportive sign when other people have done it. I’m also not sure about what’s meant by some of the Facebook pages that they have displayed, and maybe a couple of other things.

In any case, it’s time for me to stop talking to you unless I absolutely have to. You’re still involved in things that I really don’t agree with. I may still check out what you’re doing, but I need to limit my communication with you to times when I absolutely have to say something, which is most likely going to be about the political/etc. situation.

That needs to be my policy for everyone who’s involved in those issues in what I consider to be a negative way.

@3:22 p.m.

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June 20, 2011

There’s code here, for the name: Jason.

I looked you up today, because I was feeling guilty about what I wrote the other night. As I sometimes do (I am now being harassed, still, by men sitting around me in this place), I looked for about a minute at your blog posts before I made an assessment of them.

I think that in one respect I was right, which is that you don’t have any concern about the damaging effects that the various jokes which aren’t funny are having on people.

In another respect, I probably spoke before I needed to; however, I hope that you understand that the times when I haven’t been extra concerned about what people’s motives or plans of action might be, not only do I get unpleasantly surprised, I get blamed for their bad behavior.

The guy next to me, a different one from the guy I mentioned a few sections ago, has moved on from talking about things being “rusty” to saying “We just need to get the smell out of the building.”

@3:42 p.m.

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June 20, 2011

I’ve done a fair amount of thinking about why some of my relationship history isn’t good. First of all, the number of times that things went very wrong in terms of my behavior don’t comprise the major part of that history. It’s true that I was never able to find a boyfriend and have a happy, long-term relationship as an adult, but I had good relationships with men as friends and some of those relationships involved times when we were physically involved. Usually, it didn’t go much past kissing, but that wasn’t a bad thing; I got to know them as people that way, and we stayed friends for quite a while.

If there were times when I put a lot of energy into a relationship after it was over, or put so much energy into it when it was still just potential that I got rid of the potential, I think that was my way of being able to have relationship feelings without having to be in a relationship. I don’t think it had anything to do with the cliche that gets thrown at women a lot, the idea that there are women who only want men who are emotionally unavailable. I pushed these men away; they weren’t emotionally unavailable to me at all, at first. I don’t think there was one of them who didn’t really like me at first.

The distortions in how I handled my closer relationships with men started to appear after my second hospitalization. I was 18; it was a few months after my first hospitalization, which had been devastating for me. The trauma from that first one stayed with me for a long time; I thought about it every day for a decade. From the first one on, and for a long time, I thought that every time I had any kind of feeling, it meant I was crazy; I probably put myself in the hospital a lot more often than I needed to be there, but I thought that that was who I was from then on.

The stigma against people who have psychiatric histories is so bad that you permanently lose your ability to be an equal in all of your relationships. The closer the relationship is, the more danger you are in of being controlled by the other person. It happens automatically; it even happens between people who both have psychiatric histories.

As soon as people know, they treat you differently; they do. Of course, when people are in their teens and twenties, they are at the beginning of finding out what they and other people are like anyway; there’s a lot of concern about competition and ego, and there’s a lot of anxiety which is one result of not knowing what your own strengths and weaknesses are. Also, few people at that age have a perspective on life that allows them to understand that people can end up in the hospital and it doesn’t have to be high drama; you can go on with your life and it doesn’t have to be a big deal. That is all especially true in a small town in a small state; multiply that by a lot for the fact that it was almost 20 years ago that my identity in that small town got upended, that the Internet was just starting to be a source of information of all kinds for people and I had no idea to look into what other people’s experiences with having psychiatric histories had been like or how to empower myself at all, that there hadn’t been much in the way of consciousness-raising about how NOT to abuse people who have psychiatric histories, and that all adds up to me having no idea how not to get pushed around by people for a long time.

It doesn’t seem to me that even as of today there’s been as much consciousness-raising as there should have been by now about not abusing people who have psychiatric histories. I think much of that probably has to do with the world-pathologizing activities of much of the medical establishment/pharmaceutical industry, but that’s a discussion to leave for another time.

Since I didn’t know how not to get pushed around by people, which happens even when people are trying to be nice to you if you have the stigma, and since I had completely lost the feeling that I had anything much to offer in a relationship anyway, I found a way not to have relationships. Am I correct in saying that even people who have been successful at having long-term relationships as adults don’t always want to be in one? That would make sense in terms of years apart between times when I had my relationship-avoidance-while-seeming-to-be-pursuing-a-relationship episodes.

I didn’t do it on purpose, meaning that I didn’t want or plan to end up feeling and acting the way I did. I also talked to other people about it; friends, therapists. I would end up in it, and, since it was year after year that I didn’t have a relationship other than my relationship-avoidance episodes, I would feel worse about myself and about my relationship abilities every time it happened.

I think, too, that skipping a grade did some things to my personality and life history that didn’t help me. First of all, I had to work much harder to get A’s after I skipped 3rd grade than I did before; before, I did all my homework quickly and without thinking about it, and got straight A’s. After, I still got A’s and B’s but I’d be up until late at night, in 4th grade, trying to complete assignments. My social development suffered because I was worrying all the time and probably not much fun to be around, and also because a year’s age difference is a very big difference at that age, for everything, in terms of everyone’s social development and physical size.

I also think that I got the mentality that working harder at things was always the answer to getting them right. It’s funny but sad at the same time; I’ve thought this before, too, looking back on times when my thinking about a ruined relationship that I didn’t realize was ruined was “If I work harder at it, it will work out.” When the only correct thing to do in a situation is to move on with your life, and your most successful coping mechanism for everything else in your life has been to extrapolate from the philosophy “If I work harder at it, it will work out,” pain is a very likely result.

If you think about failing a written test, or getting a bad grade on an essay, and the teacher saying “Rewrite it until you get it right…..” with school having been one of the only things that you had ever felt that you were really good at…..

It’s also bad if you don’t understand why you’re doing something; even once you understand that you’re doing something that doesn’t make any sense or that is bad, it’s painful and scary not to know why it keeps happening. That makes you feel bad about yourself, too, when even your willpower doesn’t help you once you know that your behavior is off.

If there are people who are going to continue to criticize me about things I’ve tried to explain a number of times, I can’t help that. That they are the same people who encourage bullying in general I think says more about them than it does about me.

@4:43 p.m.

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June 21, 2011

–Central Vermont Catholic School in Barre, VT

Central Vermont Catholic School is preschool through 8^th grade, according to its website. It is also right behind St. Monica’s Church and Rectory, and it was on the school’s playground that the carnival with a harassing and pedophilic theme was recently hosted.

I hadn’t seen before that the school was there. I had walked by St. Monica’s Church before the carnival was there, but never taken much notice of it. Then, the carnival was blocking the school from sight from the road.

It was only today that I saw that the school was there.

@9:09 p.m.

(edit made by me here 07/24/11 @ 8:21 p.m. L.K.)

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June 21, 2011

There’s code in the name for this: Sophie.

The other day, I saw a book that made me realize that Sophie once played a character named “Maddy.” That is the first time that I knew anything about it.

@9:28 p.m.

I hope that I never made you uncomfortable with that absolute coincidence.

@9:40 p.m.

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June 21, 2011

I miss making outfits.

@9:32 p.m.

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June 22, 2011

There’s code in this for the name: 17.

Here’s what’s never been in any of my dreams:

In no dream that I’ve ever had, asleep or not, have I ever imagined saying to myself, “If only he weren’t a sexual harasser, an advocate for human rights abuses and a pedophile, it might be fun to date him.” I’ve never said that to myself in any dream, and I never say it to myself in reality, either.

I don’t know if you realize how helpless I feel about your behavior. I don’t know why it is that you seem to think that you are incapable of just not doing the things that I’ve said I can’t put up with. I have no money, no friends, no nothing, and am on the verge of being genuinely homeless. Last night I got my official “Do Not Trespass” notice from the Aldrich Library, delivered to me by the police, after I’d finished writing what I wrote on my blogs; I wonder if that was a coincidence to the fact that I’d written that the coordinator for Vermont Works For Women had told me she wanted me to leave that program. Probably, it wasn’t a coincidence. Either the library hadn’t made its phone call to the police before last night or the police chose that moment to call here and tell the staff volunteer, who was the assistant director, to have me “meet them outside in 2 minutes,” without telling him or me why. The police car showed up and gave me my paperwork, and that was when I was told why I had been sitting on the porch, waiting for the police to drive over to the shelter. The assistant director was NOT NICE to me after that. Staff don’t always walk to the basement to knock on the door to the small room that has the shower in it to tell someone in that room that it’s 11:00 p.m., which is when everyone is supposed to be in bed with lights out, but he did that last night when I was in the basement. Then he came back as I was trying to get the towels out of that room and leave the room the way I found it, and stood there saying “Can you give me a time estimate?” when I said I was almost done. I said “5 minutes,” and then he went back upstairs to the office.

When I got upstairs, within the time estimate I’d given him, he gave a loud cough from the open door of the office.

If I continue not to endorse and be involved in the terrible things that are going on, even when my life is made uncomfortable and nerve-wracking by my refusal to participate or condone them, I don’t see why you seem to think that you can’t stop.

I feel as if you must really not be able to distinguish between right and wrong; that’s how I feel about you most of the time, and that’s how I’ve felt about you for a while. That’s not a good feeling; that’s not the kind of person that I want in my life.

Also; it doesn’t seem as if you are familiar with the concept of not crossing the line into things that are SERIOUS, SERIOUS violations that ARE contributing to other people’s deliberate, criminal behavior, like sexual harassment and pedophilia, just because you’re disappointed in me at any given time.

It doesn’t seem as if you are familiar with the concept of not using your anger against me as an excuse to become abjectly vicious and violating against me in ways that are repulsive and offensive and that diminish any positive feeling I ever had for you EVERY TIME YOU DO IT.

No matter how you feel about me at any given time, you can’t just call me any of the names I’ve said that I find overly, specifically sexual and therefore degrading, or others like them that I might not have mentioned but that you can figure out with logic, whether you’re mad at me or not, and expect that you’re not lowering my opinion of you every time you do it.

No matter what my relationship to you is or isn’t, has or hasn’t been, there’s no reason for you to have made a habit out of being insulting and degrading. I can’t choose to be around anyone who is as degrading toward me, toward women in general, and toward people in general as you are, and I can’t choose to be around people who promote all the issues I’ve been fighting against. There are times when I can’t avoid having contact with those things, such as harassment that’s happened in the shelter, such as harassment that’s happening in the job training program that I hoped would be free of it but isn’t, such as harassment in the supermarket which is owned by a corporation that is promoting the harassment and other issues but where I have to go because I have to buy food. I CAN choose not to be friends or anything else with individuals on whom I’m not dependent in anyway, if those people are involved in things that I think are wrong. Not only can I choose not to be friends with someone who behaves the way that you do, I need to choose not to be friends with someone who behaves the way you do because if I try to be friends or anything else with you while you’re acting like this, I won’t respect myself and neither will anyone else.

I also think that your ongoing abuse of me, in all of your moods both positive and negative, directly contributes to the way that I get treated by a lot of people in the media, among the big harassers in general, and also in person, in Vermont. That’s true of all of the famous people whose behavior is being watched by the public in this situation, but I think it’s especially true for the behavior of the people with whom I’ve had the most interaction.

I can’t keep going through this with you. Not only do I REALLY not want someone who behaves the way that you do in my life, it’s really terrible for my reputation as someone who is serious about the issues I’ve talked about that I’ve even suggested that the option might still be there for us to be friends or date if you can get it together from now on.

I’m not trying to tell you what to do; I’m telling you what I have to do, for myself, and that’s not to be involved with people who behave the way that you do.

I realize that a lot of powerful people and organizations are involved in at least the sexual harassment, and maybe that makes you think that I’m wrong and they’re right. I’m not wrong, and they’re not right.

What’s happening is going to permanently stigmatize all women if it continues. That is the standard that’s going to be set for the entire world. All women will be demoted to second-class citizenship, if we can even get second-class citizenship. That’s where this is going. It’s not funny or harmless. I’m not over-reacting. It is a total nightmare.

I already thought that the push to execute or detain the prisoners in Iran was terrible, and that the entertainment industry and others turning that into a joke was…the only reason that I still talk to you, and the only reason that I talked to others in that industry for as long as I did is I try to make allowance for the fact that you and they have a distorted worldview that is a result of the kind of business that you’re in and the fact that success in that business at a young age isolates the people who get that success from ordinary life. If you weren’t an actor, you could have been a lot of things, and you probably would have had other jobs and gone to college. You wouldn’t be completely ignorant of the demands made on most people by the world, and you wouldn’t be completely ignorant about how destructive everything that’s happened over the past year has been for those people, whether they all realize it now or not.

Maybe you think that the fact that the coordinator for Vermont Works For Women has been harassing and bullying me means that what’s happened over the past year isn’t anti-feminist, that it’s fine. She’s probably not even as old as I am; she might be 30. Also, just because someone has a job that is supposed to be about helping women doesn’t mean that the person is a feminist or that he or she has enlightened world views. She used to teach high school English; I think that’s where she probably got her knack for being especially vicious, unfair and immature when she feels like being that way. Some of her comments have had that feeling to them; they’ve been more like what you’d hear a young, adolescent girl say if she were trying to bully someone than the kinds of harassing things that other adults have said to me and around me.

“Cleaning up urine and vomit;” I don’t think that even any of the young women who have considered themselves direct rivals with me for your attention have said anything like that, although I could be wrong. “Leak” is bad, and a lot of people said that, but to put it exactly the way this teacher did, to bring it out more and be explicit….

What’s happened over the past year is only the first stage of everything else becoming explicit, also. One of the excuses that’s been used by the big harassers, and that gets imitated by the people who have harassed me in person, is that most of the words that have been used are not the specific words that have been identified for a long time in society as being “bad words” on their own. The President could not even give one speech in which he said “Women are c—s who are inferior to men and will be treated as such, we need to kill the people in Iran, and everyone should be having sex with children.” However, everyone knows what’s being said. The language is an important technicality, and that technicality has been abused to get the real message across.

You also might not realize that for all of my life, for people to make daily, constant comments about things such as fish and cheese and the other things that get said in the way that it’s being endorsed for people to do would be considered sexual harassment and bullying. Especially for it to happen at work or at school, but really, even having strangers do it; a couple of years ago, if I had walked into a police station and said “There are people who are constantly making these kinds of comments around me,” it would have been an uncomfortable conversation for me and also probably for the police officer whether he or she was male or female, and most likely the officer would have said “Fill out a report, and let us know if it keeps happening.”

@6:26 a.m.

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June 22, 2011

It’s occurred to me that maybe a LOT of people have hacked every phone that I’ve used regularly for years, or any phone where people who see me in person regularly might be talking about me.

@6:22 p.m.

(edit made by me here on 07/24/11 @8:23 p.m. I REALLY don’t want people hacking anything I have online, my bank account, food stamps card, phones that I use anywhere)

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June 22, 2011

Here’s code, for someone I’ve never spoken to from here before: The Village Trustafarian .

I’m wondering if you or others are circulating my letters to you from years ago so that more people read them every day.

Over the past 2 years, I’ve written a few times on the Internet about my specific experience with you. I’ve always removed what I wrote in order to protect your privacy.

If my letters to you from a long time ago are now being read by even more people than you first showed them to, that means that the only version of what happened that anyone’s hearing about now is the version that you tell.

@6:27 p.m.

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June 22, 2011

I don’t have a camera anymore. Otherwise, I might take pictures of newspapers and other things that I see the way I did last year.

Here’s some of what was on the front page of the Burlington Free Press yesterday, Tuesday, June 21, 2011:

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“Little Opposition: Two more views on favor of next week’s Burlington Electric bond vote.”

“Comment & Debate”

“Building Coffers: Gov. Peter Shumlin is on fundraising trip: vt.Buzz”

Those titles are at the top of the front page. Below them are the words “Burlington Free Press,” the title of the newspaper.

Then there’s a very large picture of two children at a Vermont Lake Monsters baseball game. There is a little boy looking at a little girl. The little girl has her mouth wide open. She is putting popcorn into her mouth with her hand. She is holding a large bag of popcorn. The bag has red and white stripes, the word “fresh” written large on the bag under the girl’s face, and the word “POP” just barely obscured by her right hand, that’s holding the bag.

The caption and title above the picture say, in large print:

“With the crack of a bat the Lake Monsters return to Centennial Field and……

(in much larger print):

“Summer officially arrives”

@7:28 p.m.

The caption under the picture says: “(little girl’s name), 4, on vacation in Burlington from Pennsylvania, enjoys the concessions at the Vermont Lake Monsters home-opener at Centennial Field on Monday”

The caption that leads the article says: “More than 3, 400 fans welcome minor league baseball back,” next to the Vermont Lake Monsters logo.

There’s also a picture of three of the baseball players. The caption for that picture says:

“(an athlete’s name) of the Vermont Lake Monsters is congratulated after scoring Monday at Centennial Field. (He) is also homered in the Lake Monsters’ 8-6 win over the Lowell Spinners.”

There’s another quote below the picture of the baseball payers. It says:

“Time begins on opening day.”

The quote is attributed to someone who is quoting a former baseball Commissioner.

@7:34 p.m.

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June 22, 2011

I want to interrupt my discussion for a minute to say something to someone. The code is for the name: Your Name Is.

I had no idea that you might be interested in me until I saw whatever that magazine that was when I was in the hospital, this year. As I’ve said, I didn’t know how involved you might be in the harassment and other issues then. My main concern then was that I didn’t think that the phrase “newly single” was something by which I should rush to be successfully beckoned. At that time, if the word “new” had started to be associated with pedophilia as code, I didn’t know about it. My concern was that, as seems to have been the case, you had left a long-term relationship and had the goal of dating me as a reason for having done that, even though I’d never met you or said anything to you, or mentioned you anywhere.

(In the shelter, as I write this, a male resident and the staff volunteer for the night, and a female resident are sitting. I just did a Google search on your name and looked at one of the websites, and of course, they can see everything over my shoulder. As soon as I got back to WordPress, there was loud, horrible male coughing from behind me. The male resident is the same one who was saying “love of his life” comments around me several days ago, and who quit that abruptly a few days ago and went back to what he was doing around me before, which was harassment. I’d never given him any reason to think that I was interested in him. He was also talking about his wife again earlier tonight.)

Then it was weeks after I saw the magazine that it occurred to me that some of what your character in a 2009 movie was saying might have been about me. None of that had occurred to me as a thought to have, before.

I haven’t changed my mind. Even if you were better behaved, it’s out of the question.

I’m not sure how the entire, overall situation, with everything that’s happened to the world, could be any more sad than it is now. If it all continues and gets worse instead of stopping and getting much better, I’m sure I’ll find out how much sadder it can be.

You have children. It’s especially hard for me to understand how people who have children, who also have your advantages, who also have access to every kind of education and information about what child abuse is and does, can do what you’re doing.

@8:27 p.m.

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June 22, 2011

I didn’t start getting sexually harassed by what eventually turned into the Internet/media/corporate/entertainment industry/government group that I call the big harassers until around February of 2010.

@9:53 p.m.

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June 22, 2011

Same guy behind me, with 3 other residents of the shelter. One of them is a woman who has harassed me frequently here but who has been less that way in the past day or two. Another is a woman who, I noticed, has a box of Mini Wheats in her car. I supposed it could be a coincidence.

It would certainly be nice if they wouldn’t encourage the guy who’s very interested in harassing me, even by listening to him and providing him with an audience for one comment after another that’s designed to be offensive.

@ 9:55 p.m.

More loud, fake coughing from the male staffmember watching TV several feet away from me, who kept the door open to the office for at least an hour after it was supposed to be lights out the other night, until at least 12:00 a.m., giving one loud, fake cough after another. The women’s “dorm” is right across from the office. It was impossible to sleep. He even woke up people who were trying to sleep upstairs, around corners.

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June 23, 2011

Here’s code, for the name: 17.

He used to put up blog posts that involved words such as “dreams” and “dreaming.” That was all I meant by the first part of what I wrote on the 22nd.

@9:42 a.m.

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June 23, 2011

I’ll tell you what about my neck; it could be a lot worse, and, also, I mentioned it myself as a joke. I’m curious as to what has led to the dynamic of my mentioning a flaw and then being attacked for it for years.

I’m curious as to why I keep being attacked at all. Even if I were a terrible person, why would it be the proper function of harassers, big or small, to punish me for whatever they thought I did? Even if there were crimes for which I had gone unpunished, what’s happened over the past year and half would have more than made up for it.

What’s interesting, too, is that I get attacked for being a snob when I get angry about being bullied by someone and try to understand why she did it, but I’ve been nothing but attacked, all along, for flaws that I mentioned about myself.

What do these people want from me? It seems to me that nothing short of the total ruination of my life, and even my death, will satisfy them, and I’m curious as to why that is.

As for my being slutty or dirty in any way; look at them. Look at their blog posts, day after day, from the celebrities to the politicians to the corporations to the media who are part of this. I always go through and deal with whatever my responsibilities are, whether they were mistakes or misunderstandings. They don’t do that, to put it mildly, so what right do they have to call me horrible names all the time?

@10:02 a.m.

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June 23, 2011

As I was walking to Montpelier from Barre, I walked by a window that had a sign in it that said “New Craftsman Turn Tight Technology.” It had a picture of a guy on a tractor. For anyone who isn’t familiar with what that most likely means, what it most likely means is a reference to children having small vaginas, anuses and mouths, which are “tight” when people use those orifices to have sex with them.

I had just walked past that sign when a van for Frito Lay Sun Chips drove up and stopped at the stoplight next to me. On the back and on the side of the van it said “This truck saves fuel for a cleaner environment.”

I don’t have all the time in the world to be on the computer.

What would the woman whose code name is “new” like me to do? Does she want me to have a fit of jealousy about her? Why would I be jealous of someone who’s dating someone who’s been turning into a horrible person for a long time?

I think I’m able to separate the larger, political and world issues from the smaller issues, such as a campaign to make pedophilia legal and accepted worldwide from who’s dating whom.

As for things being “cleaner”; a lot of people jumped on the bandwagon to call me horrible things. It’s true that “Basketball Diaries,” (code) was responsible for the beginning of it and probably the fact that he’s been such a big star for a long time was responsible for how pervasive that harassment became. I’m really not interested, and I’ve said, more than once, that I don’t think about him very often. When he does cross my mind, the event isn’t accompanied by warm feelings. I didn’t even think about his movie that was based on dreaming when I wrote what I wrote on the 22nd.

It’s been a while since I removed some of the things from the Internet that I’d written about him last fall, speculating about what he might have done in regard to other women. I took those things off the Internet, but that doesn’t mean that I think that what I wrote was implausible.

I really don’t like Hollywood very much. It’s not a nice place, and there is no reason that anyone should be holding me to a higher standard of being considerate about these celebrities or anyone else who abuses me than the celebrities and their sycophants and cronies are held to. That I try to make my standard higher than theirs doesn’t mean that I succeed at meeting my own ideals all the time; I try, and that’s more than they deserve.

@10:19 a.m./addition @ 10:23 a.m./addition @ 10:37 a.m.

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June 23, 2011

Code for the names in this section: “Your Name Is” and “15”.

Your Name Is, you weren’t offended by what I wrote online to 15 about her hair, were you?

My own hair has been threatening to go through a thin time, lately. It also seems to be getting grayer at a faster rate than usual.

Doubtless, all of that is due to stress caused by powerful people and groups trying to inflict horrible things upon the world, and people contributing to that who either also want those things to happen, don’t care if they happen, or don’t understand what the consequences are going to be. It’s difficult for me to understand how anyone who’s been watching the larger situations develop could fail to understand where it can all lead, but I suppose it’s still a possibility that there are people who don’t understand.

My writing this message is an example of my trying to take responsibility for something that might have upset someone whom I wasn’t trying to upset. If I were in love with him, or interested, I would say that.

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June 23, 2011

Maybe there are people who still don’t understand that it’s much easier for me to say how I feel than not to say it. Whether I’m angry, or whatever I’m feeling at any given time, the most difficult part of that is figuring out whether or not I need to say it, how I should say it, and trying to accurately assess what the consequences of it might be. I am more likely to say how I’m feeling than not, and since that’s true, I offend and upset indirect people all the time. I am about the most direct person anyone could ever meet, and people who aren’t that way aren’t necessarily going to like being around me.

One of the worst things of interacting with celebrities, and of everything that’s happened as a result of having done that, was trying to understand how they communicate; everything obscured and confusing, seemingly on purpose, for whatever their reasons are. I feel better every day that I am in fewer situations where I need to understand and respond to people who communicate that way, and hope that there will be many more situations in the future when I am not scurrying around trying to do anything but be myself and appropriate according to the values and communication style that work best for me.

@12:29 p.m.

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June 23, 2011

Here’s code for the name: Jason.

My assumption is that there are some men who have made movies that involved things about me or about what’s happened around me over the past year and a half, and that those are just movies and I don’t need to worry about them being more than movies, and nobody else needs to worry about that, either. My assumption is that your movie is in this category, and that’s what I want.

In some situations, the idea that it’s a movie and not meant to be more by the person or people who made it has seemed not to be true. Some movies seemed very obviously to have a particular message that I was supposed to get, and/or that others were supposed to get about me.

My main hope is that Hollywood and everyone else who’s been involved in bullying me will find something else to do.

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June 23, 2011

It looks as if a number of celebrity men are calling me a pig today.

I’ve called people pigs before, but I shouldn’t, because I’ve heard that they are both social and intelligent and that they only live the way they do when their lives are run by humans because that’s the way humans make them live.

I’ve called people pigs when I really thought they were acting like the definition the word has taken on when applied to people. In fact, I spent months last year calling all of the harassers pigs; it didn’t encourage them to improve their behavior or way of expressing themselves at all.

It’s an honor to be broke if my alternative is to be like these celebrities and to get paid to make the kinds of movies that they make.

@12:44 p.m.

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June 23, 2011

I am sure that the entire Internet and everyone else who stalks me 24 hours a day is watching me flail around while I try to figure out how to export my Friendster profile to Flickr. I always go through that process when I’m figuring out how to do something for the first time on the Internet.

The thing that makes things initially difficult for me on the Internet is that there are specific steps that you have to do exactly the way they need to be done or you can’t get anything done. Doing the specific steps when I don’t know what the overall process is and what the steps are supposed to do makes me very uncomfortable; I don’t know that it’s a question of being impatient or lazy so much as wanting to understand why the steps are the way they are. I always react to it by bypassing the steps while I try a lot of things to make it work the way I want it to, and that’s how I figure out what the steps mean and how they work.

The thing that makes things great for me on the Internet is that it is perfect for expressing and researching “big picture” ideas and situations. That’s why I look funny at the beginning and usually end up doing a good job once I understand the “big picture” of the format and can use the specific steps the way I have to in order to accomplish what I want to accomplish.

There are two issues that have kept me from transferring the location of the information on my Friendster profiles before now. One issue is not having had large blocks of time that I knew could count on in order to go through the above process. The other issue has been reluctance to download anything to the computers that I use or have used. They’re not my computers. Also, as far as library computers go, not only can’t I count on large blocks of time to use them, I think that maybe everything on them gets erased as soon as the person has to log off.

Plus, the Montpelier library seemed, at least for a while, to contain staff who believed that what I wrote on Friendster about why a country the size of Iran would want nuclear weapons meant that I like the idea of nuclear weapons. I haven’t been back to that library since the sign in the bathroom changed from a picture of a cow drawn by hand that had the word “Tritium” written on its side with a line through it and an anti-nuclear weapons message written above it to a sign saying, in effect, “Please don’t flush feminine hygiene products down our toilet because we don’t want you to ruin our plumbing.” The replacement sign is similar to others I’ve seen in other restrooms, throughout the years of using public bathrooms and I wouldn’t have noticed it at all if it weren’t for the fact that there weren’t any signs in the bathroom at all when I first started going to that library several weeks ago.

Yawning; I’m yawning as I write this. Class, does that mean that contemplating and writing about petty behavior all day is:

a) VERY exciting

b) VERY tedious

c) So tedious that yawn…..not worth completing another answer, even for the purposes of making a joke

I’ll say again that, no, I don’t like the idea of nuclear weapons any more than anybody else who doesn’t sell them probably does, but when all the big countries have them, all the little countries will want them so that they can have some power. That’s a realistic way to look at it; it doesn’t mean that I’m a warmonger.

I’ll also put another message here for now; both Flickr and Multiply are proponents of issues I don’t agree with, at least some of the time. Those are the only two places that Friendster has made available to transfer my proflies to.

@2:44 p.m.

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June 23, 2011

I have this to say to 17 (code):

How dare you call me a pig? How dare you make more jokes about me being your mother? Any time I’ve ever rejected you, you and everyone else I’ve ever rejected act as if I’ve stabbed you in the heart. Any time that I’ve indicated that there are things you could do to get me to stop rejecting you, it’s like my signing up to be abused by you and everyone else who is routinely abusive to women.

What’s in this for me? Is that a question that you’ve ever asked yourself? “What would Lena get out of dating me?” Have you thought about it that way?

Half the time, you’re announcing that you’re single, even though everyone knows that that’s not entirely true.

And yet, you have the gall to call me names when I try to take responsibility for giving a decent closure to something I just went through with someone else.

I don’t know if you even realize how horrible you are to me, and how horrible you have always been to me, how long I’ve put up with it, hoping you’d mature, how disappointing it has been, although not entirely surprising, to see that you have no apparent intention of being any other way, ever, than you’ve ever been in terms of becoming even half-way civilized….you don’t seem to have any idea how to treat women as if they are human beings who are your equals.

I don’t know if you realize that there are aspects of your behavior that I have ALWAYS found entirely sickening, and that what I was looking at for a long time was your potential, and very little of what drew me to you had anything to do with any of the ways in which you tried to interact with me.

You are only, in the past few months, getting the full brunt of how awful I really think your behavior has been; you’re not used to my saying “no” to you and acting as if I mean it, but I mean it. I’ve always been serious about the things I’ve told you I don’t like and won’t put up with, and you’re never willing to change any of it, and that’s NOT MY FAULT.

Even though you know that your abuse of me contributes to other people being abusive to me, you don’t show any sign of caring about that; you’ve even demonstrated that alongside pictures of engagement rings.

You’re out of your mind; it’s a horror show. From my perspective, your life and the world you live in and obviously like to a large extent is a HORRORSHOW. That’s an allusion, and an appropriate one, I think. In the book, the two meanings of the word and how it evolved are perfect for your and my divergent views on everything that’s happened over the past 2 years. I think it’s all terrible, and you seem to be enjoying yourself.

I read the book about 20 years ago, but I seem to remember that there’s a gangrape of a little girl in it; right up your alley.

@2:59 p.m./additions & edits @ 3:05 p.m.

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June 23, 2011

There’s something else I thought of the other day; 27 (code), Your Name Is (code) and Stand Up (code) were in movies in which they portrayed gay men, and now all of them are advocates for the enslavement of everyone in the world to straight men. They’re by no means the only actors whom I could describe with that sentence.

What does it mean to actors like these to portray gay men in the movies? Is it the actors’ equivalent to an actress saying “I’m going to be ugly in a movie so that I can win awards?”

Also; I said I wasn’t going to keep writing “no code.” That’s what I said I would do, and now that I’ve clarified enough times with new code words, that’s what I’ve done.

@3:45 p.m.

I can’t fix the type on this section now, if I even am ever able to get to it.

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June 23, 2011

If there are other celebrities whom I need to upbraid or to assist in understanding my motives and thoughts, it will have to wait until later.

@7:45 p.m.

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June 23, 2011

(June 24, 2011: I removed what I originally wrote here because it involves a person’s real name, someone who didn’t ask me to write about him or ever try to communicate anything to me in any way.

I still think that what I wrote is a good idea.

As far as having put the President’s name here in other sections; the office of the President of the United States is such a central figure in the world, as an office, that even though I addressed the President from here, I don’t feel as if it’s the same thing as talking about someone who is essentially a private citizen now and using the person’s real name. @3:34 p.m.)

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June 23, 2011

I took out some of what I wrote here before; almost every time a new person, especially a guy, moves into the shelter, I get abused all over again, so what I wrote wasn’t really all that true.

@9:50 p.m.

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June 23, 2011

Speaking of being abused; what I’m wondering now is how long various people were watching everything that happened on the computers at my parents’ house while I was living there. I would bet it had been going on since I moved there. That means that everyone who was watching and then accusing me of things already knew everything that had happened between me and Bank Guy; they knew that he knew who I was. They watched all of our interactions. They watched him put out more hints for me to jump at while I had no idea that he even had a girlfriend, let alone someone who became his fiancee which was the first I knew of her.

All of the explanations I’ve made about Bank Guy were beside the point as far as information goes, except for members of the general public who don’t know what happened and have been told some kind of awful story about me. The people who had hacked the computers at my parents’ house during the time that I was interacting with him probably know more about that time than I would even remember. It was quite a while ago by now, and if they kept copies of everything that was said and done, then they know that I also totally backed off from the entire thing once I understood that it was going nowhere, and that later events were not a result of any kind of excessive attention or unreasonable requests from me.

@9:59 p.m.

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June 24, 2011

This seems like the right time to say something that I’ve said before but that isn’t visible on the Internet anywhere else at the moment. The Village Trustafarian (code) and Bank Guy are two different people.

Here’s a roll of my eyes as I plod through another time of saying “Wouldn’t it be great if the harassers would skip saying “She’s a fortune-hunter. She goes after these guys with money.””

I’m not; I don’t. That should be obvious to everyone by now.

@6:42 a.m.

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June 24, 2011

I’m trying to think of a better code name for Bank Guy. I feel as if the economy and banks in general are too important to use as code and I’d rather not contribute to more of it. However, if the other code-users keep using the same code for him and I don’t, then people won’t know that I’m being abused with his code name.

Decisions, decisions.

@3:58 p.m.

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June 24, 2011

There’s code in this for the name: 17.

I looked you up on Google today because something happened at the Department of Health this morning that I need to talk about and I wanted to see what you were doing so that I could be fair about it. That was my thought, anyway.

First though, I want to say a few things:

I didn’t look closely or for very long at the Polyvore blog that you put up a week ago or whenever that was. First of all, I didn’t know why there was a picture of a child at the top of the first page of the blog. Even if what you were trying to say was “I love children and would never hurt them,” by now I consider your credibility so damaged about children that I would do anything I could do to stop you from putting any picture of a child that I had responsibility for on any of your websites or in anything you do.

Also, either that blog or another of your blogs had a caption that said “Octomom” along the bottom edge of the page. It didn’t take me more than a few minutes to see and think all of that, and then I stopped looking. That’s what I usually do; that’s what I’ve done with your blogs for a long time. I type your name into Google, look at maybe a couple of things for a few seconds, see that you’re still perpetuating all of the issues, or any of them, and then I leave. Really, I shouldn’t bother to look past where it talks about “juiciness” on the first page of search results on your name. You don’t seem to have any respect for me as a person or to have any concern for my safety, and if you don’t have those things by now, why should I think that you ever will?

I didn’t get a chance to look up the other person involved in this discussion; when I look people up on the Internet, no matter who they are, if I do that at the shelter or in any setting where people can sit behind me and see what I’m looking at, I always get harassed more.

The building that the Department of Labor is in also has the Department of Health and other government offices. I went into the building this morning and saw that the front window of the office of the Department of Health had a postcard/ad on the client-side of the window that said “BABY” in large letters next to a picture of a baby. I went up to the window so that I could see it more closely. It was an ad for American Baby magazine. On the other side of the window, pressed up against the window so that it was right next to the ad for American Baby magazine with its picture of the baby was a box holding a breast pump that said “MEDELA.”

On the floor behind the “MEDELA” box and the American Baby magazine ad was something that looked like a shopping cart. It had a partially folded sheet over the back of it. The sheet was covered with Disney characters. The sheet was folded so that you couldn’t see any of the characters completely, but the character who was the most completely visible and who was in the center of the sheet as it was placed on the cart was Mickey Mouse.

I asked the woman who was sitting in the office what the display was about. She said that someone was going to come into the office and pick up the breast pump, and that the shopping cart was where people in the office put files.

Who wants to have her breast pump displayed in the front window of the office of the Department of Health? Also, in the age of HIPAA, who puts files, with confidential information such as people’s names on them, in a shopping cart and leaves the shopping cart pressed as close as possible to the front office window where clients come up to talk to people in the office?

The shopping cart was also completely empty; the only thing you could see on it was the sheet.

The window has a ledge in front of it that is covered with informational pamphlets, so people are definitely being encouraged to go to that window; it’s inside the building and the first thing you see if you’re looking for the Department of Health.

One of the informational pamphlets is for Head Start and Early Head Start programs for families with children. According to its first page after the cover, its purpose is to do the following:

—————————–

“We connect you with quality programs and services at no cost to you:

–early childhood training

–parent education and training

–family health and nutrition resources

–access to physical and mental health services

–family literacy activities

–parent leadership opportunities

–service coordination for children with disabilities

–recreational outings with other families

–transportation planning

–and much more!

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The front page of the pamphlet says:

“Every child has dreams.”

A quote, supposedly from a parent, on another page in the pamphlet says:

“Head Start is a good bridge from home to school. It offers children a chance to succeed from the beginning.”–Parent

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I added the bold print so that the words would stand out on this blog.

The pamphlet says that it was published in January of 2011. That’s what it says in small print on the back, below a logo for “Central Vermont Community Action.”

17, do I even want to know how long you’ve been promoting pedophilia? Was it going on while I was in the hospital? It seems that way.

The clinic for children is just a few feet away from the office. The sign next to the clinic announces all the ways in which it’s supposed to be an office for children, for women and children through the WIC program, for child development, and more.

I went into the clinic and asked the first staffperson I saw who ran her office. She said that it’s all part of the Department of Health, the same office that has the display in its window that I’ve just described above.

I showed her the window at the Department of Health and asked her if she’d seen it. She told me the same story, that someone was going to come in and pick up the breast pump and that the cart was for files. She got mad at me, too.

I’ve been in that building a lot over the past, few months, and I know that I never saw that display there before.

17, I told you that you were free to date any woman who would have you while you were doing awful things. If what you were looking for from me, at any time, was some kind of reassurance that you are more important to me than the issues are, now is the time for me to tell you that you’re never going to get that reassurance from me. The issues are more important to me than you are.

You can’t do “a little bit of sexual harassment,” or “a little bit of advocacy in favor of human rights abuses,” or “a little bit of pedophilia” and have me say it’s ok. I’m not going to say that, not ever.

You’re still free to date or befriend anyone you want. It would be easier for me to be happy for you if neither you nor anyone you know were advocating for the issues that I’m against. They’re important issues.

(I’m getting harassed more, here.)

I’m not going to tell you what to do; I’m going to say, yet again, for the 1,000^th time, for you as with everybody else so far, that you have always been the one who made the decision not to date me. You couldn’t have wanted to date me that badly or you wouldn’t have done the things that you did.

Also, if you care about someone, or respect the fact that you used to care about her, you don’t do things that you know endanger her, even when you’re angry at her. There’s nothing that I said yesterday that endangers your life, and you can’t say the same thing about what you’re implying about me. The Internet is full of exhortations to people to harass me today.

You don’t have to be, and shouldn’t be, sexually degrading or doing other kinds of things that are really dangerous to a lot of people in order to say what you have to say.

I’m not keeping you from doing anything that you want to do; believe me, if I could stop you from promoting the issues that you promote, I would do that. There’s no reason that you should be encouraging anyone to abuse me, which includes people doing things like throwing me out of work programs or hassling me so that I can’t live a normal life.

My life is much harder than yours is, and that’s been true all of our lives, since before you were born. Your life has NEVER been as hard as mine has been and is now. No matter how you’re feeling about me at any given time, you don’t need to go out of your way to make my life or anyone else’s life harder.

I am not, and never have been, sexually degrading toward you. Even in moments when I have said the wrong thing, I never said anything about you that was anything like the things that you have said about me from the first second I ever interacted with you at all. I have never done that to anyone; not to you, not to anyone.

@8:30 p.m./addition @ 8:50 p.m.

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June 24, 2011

I went to the library in Montpelier today, after what happened at Another Way. The bathroom at the Montpelier library had an empty cardboard beer box on its bottom shelf. It’s a box that once held “SAM ADAMS” beer. Much of the box is red, and, in its front, top-left-hand corner, in print that is relatively small compared to the largest print on the box but which is certainly still legible to someone who is sitting on the toilet and just saw the box, it says:

“FRESHNESS MATTERS

USE BY”

A little farther along the box are the month and year of the expiration date, July 2011. In July of this year, I’ll be 37, which I might have mentioned before online and which whoever is responsible for the harassment at the library could easily find out, even if I hadn’t mentioned it.

There’s a book on display in the computer area, near one of the bookshelves, that says:

“The 5 Lessons A Millionaire Taught Me”

The computers are supposed to be available for 30 minutes at a time. I see people at them for much longer than that, including me when the same, really mean woman who also says nasty things when I’m there isn’t working there.

She watches me when I walk into the library, and the second that the 30 minutes are over at the computer I’m on, she comes over and tells me to leave.

Today, she did that, and I left the computer. I went back into the computer room a few minutes later and saw three computers that weren’t being used. I sat at one of them and she came over to hassle me again.

I told her “There are at least two other, completely unused computers just at this one table. Anyone who wants to come in and use a computer can do that.”

She picked up the sign that says “30 minutes” on it in large print, with other writing on it, and pointed to something in the rest of the writing. She said “It’s at the librarian’s discretion.”

I said “What you do to me is discrimination, not discretion. You single me out here, and you know it, and so does everybody else.”

She went and got someone who I guess was her supervisor, who ALSO denied having any idea who I was and who ALSO denied that there is any harassment or discrimination going on about me. She told me that I could send her a complaint and gave me her e-mail address.

The Gary Fisher bike that was being advertised for as part of the Onion River bike race the day that someone taped the poster for it to the front of the bookcase less than a foot across and away from the toilet in the restroom that I wrote about in past weeks is IN the lobby of the library. Along with other posters proclaiming the bike race and the bike, the bike itself is in the lobby of the library, leaned up against a table that has held all kinds of harassing displays throughout the weeks that I’ve gone to the library.

I could hear at least some people laughing while I was saying to the library supervisor, more and more loudly, “It’s discrimination. You’re discriminating against me, and you know it!”

I finally left, yelling “This is the United States!” I also took one of the many Onion River bike race posters off one of the many bulletin boards and threw it on the floor. The bike race is held to benefit the library.

I’m a human being.

There’s no reason that I should be having to remind anyone of that fact.

I am a person.

@9:00 p.m.

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June 24, 2011

Legare’s Farm Stand, the same farm stand that was advertising “leeks” on its sign for “Mohther’s Day,” has been advertising “Blueberry Bushes” for a while now.

Today, as I was walking to Montpelier, I saw that the farm stand, which is a large building and not some little shack, had added two, large banners to its entrance. The banners are covered with pictures of birds.

I’ve noticed that references to birds have become part of the harassment, ever since I wrote a joke on my Weebly blog about the different kinds of coughing that people have done in person to try to insinuate that my vagina smells so bad and can be smelled from so far away that they’re choking on it. I wrote something like “it’s like an anti-mating call: some people categorize bird song, but we can’t all choose our hobbies, now can we?”

I went into the building, found an employee and said “Maybe my trying to tell you this is a waste of my time, but I just want to remind you that I have never DONE anything to you or to anyone else who works here.”

Then I left.

When I walked back by the building on my way back to Barre several hours later, the banners were gone. It might be that they take them in every night or were afraid I’d rip them down. They looked like brand new signs; they might have been expensive and maybe the farm stand doesn’t want to spend the money to replace their harassing paraphernalia. Maybe they were hoping I’d talk about the banners so that they’d get money from my mentioning it, somehow; with tax breaks or more business from other bigots, or from the town of Barre, or from the State of Vermont.

Across the street from farm stand, there’s a building with a few businesses in it, including Miracle Ear, the hearing aid company. There’s a large sign in the window of Miracle Ear. It says:

“New financing options now available

$28/month”

It’s just bullying, that’s all it is. Maybe I’ve done something wrong by even saying that I was still thinking about dating or befriending 17 (code) if he could stop perpetuating the larger issues that I thought were bad, but that has nothing to do with what any part of me smells like or with how old I am, or with how old he is.

The attempts at degradation and the disrespect, the level of it, the amount of it, the non-stop nature of it, the relentless malice of it, the essential, disgusting and overwhelming unfairness and danger of it; those are the issues that make me angry and that keep me writing about them day after day.

I wonder how many people still don’t understand that about me. I don’t mind being wrong, or rejected, or both; I can admit it when I’m wrong. NO MATTER WHAT I do or what other people do, there’s no reason for all of the degradation that happens to me and is happening to other people who have never even heard of me but who are being affected by the larger situation.

My life has been turned into an experimental lab for ways to harm and degrade women and anyone who doesn’t abuse women. Problems from my past that I’ve taken as much responsibility for as I deserve are STILL, YEARS after they happened, and YEARS after they started getting talked about, getting used as an excuse to abuse me, and to abuse all women.

There IS NO excuse.

@9:32 p.m.

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June 24, 2011

I have something to say about Psychology Major (code). I think that’s what he was; a psychology major.

First of all, I need to ask, again, why didn’t he get lost long before he did? What kept him around for weeks after incidents that he has shown up, almost 10 years later, to talk about to the rich, to the powerful, to the famous, when I’m living in a homeless shelter and already being abused by those rich, famous, powerful people and a lot more besides?

I will say this about him, too; I know that I didn’t hurt him and wasn’t trying to hurt him. I have a good memory for things such as sound, touch and sometimes movement; I can imitate the way people said things years after having heard them say it once, and I can remember the way things felt years after they happened. I would also admit it now and apologize for it if I had hurt him, intentionally or not. He didn’t say “Ow,” or show any sign of pain. He said “What was that?”

Sometimes, I’ve started talking about movies with people, and started saying some of the dialogue from the movie. I’ll go on for a while, and someone will say “You must have watched that movie a lot,” when I only saw the movie once.

I know that this is something that abusive people often say about others who rejected them, but I’ve never thought it about anyone else, and, although I’ve been emotionally abusive toward some people at times in my life, I don’t think I was ever abusive toward him in any way; he was cold. Even guys who were meaner to me most of the time than he was were not people whom I’d look back and describe as being cold people in general.

I remember that he seemed surprised, although it didn’t stop him from fooling around with me on that day; I also remember him calling me up one night in the middle of the summer because he wanted to see me. I didn’t even know what time it was; it had to be past 1:00 a.m.. He kept saying he was too hot, that it was just so hot outside. I finally said, “OK, you can come over,” and then he stammered “No, I won’t, I’m sorry I woke you up.”

(The card game/bully Lena excuse for sitting behind me as I type on the Internet has begun. There are a couple of new people here, a man and a woman. She apparently feels she’s being both original and charming by repeating that “she’s floating” and then laughing.)

One of the things that made me say that Psychology Major was creepy was the way he acted after one of his friends had died. She got struck by lightning on a trip. I was over at his house on one of the days after it happened. I had never met her; I said something about it or about her, and he said, using her name “(She’s) Deead,” in a weird tone of voice, with almost a giggle after he said it.

I got the feeling that he was excited about the fact that someone he knew had died by being struck by lightning; it’s an unusual way to die. An unexpected death is a big occurrence for anyone, but especially something that most people his age would be dramatic about in addition to having really cared about her. I never saw any sign of grief from him about her.

The only emotion I ever saw him express about it was what I just described.

(More people have come into the room, more coughing; it’s another new resident. He might be about my age, or older, or looks older than I do. He’s done several loud coughs already. I turned around to see him laughing right at me.)

Here’s a timeless mantra:

I will NOT write “I hate people.”

@10:17 p.m. (I’ll write “no code” here because I used the number 17 as code in a previous section)

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June 24, 2011

I have something else to say about the Village Trustafarian (code) and things I wrote to him years ago.

When you (meaning me) have had a terrible life in a lot of ways, when you can’t be yourself and have a therapist who tells you that your best judgments and ideas are wrong, when no matter what you do you can’t improve your life, grow as a person, or create the things you want and need in your life, and when it’s been that way for more than a decade, for all of your adult life and for much of your life before adulthood, too, sometimes you make things up. You make things up about what some of your experiences have been like to make yourself believe that you have a good, happy life instead of one that has been bad and sad more often than not and is getting worse.

I think that what I’ve written online over the past 2 years about what happened with him is accurate.

I will also say this; I was a virgin until I was 27, and I had sex with him when I was 29. Between 23 and almost 27, I didn’t so much as kiss anyone. When I met him, I had other pressures, too; I had a job with a lot of responsibility that had me working a lot of hours at a job that most people find very stressful, I had my own apartment for the first time in my life, I had already been through a lot, and I didn’t know how to create or be in an adult relationship and had no personal knowledge of what they were like.

In addition to all of that, what do people in high school or college often go through with some of the first people that they sleep with, no matter what the experience was like?

Also; people treated me as if I were the age I was, which was almost 30. That was what they expected of me; in some ways, I was very mature for my age, and in other ways, I was about where you’d expect someone with my life experiences to be.

I think it scared people more to have me act the way I did at that age than it might have scared them if I’d been a lot younger and acting the same way. I also think that my behavior especially scared the Village Trustafarian more because he knew I’d had a psychiatric history. You can have the same behavior viewed different ways based on what you know about the person. He might have tried to confront me more or asked more about what was going on, if he didn’t have the extra anxiety that most people get around people with psychiatric histories. That’s part of the stigma and its consequences too; instead of asking, even a number of times “Why are you doing this?” people tell themselves that they know the answer to that question, which is that you’re crazy. Then they shy away from dealing with the issue directly, and that makes the person feel worse, and makes everything worse.

Also…his parents let him go to Florida for the winter and bought him a new car because of what he was “going through” with me, didn’t they? I always wondered about that.

How are people reading my old letters? Is that a question I want to ask in public? Will I get an answer that will direct the rest of the world to read them, too?

Is she brave or stupid? Brave? Stupid? Brupid? Strave?

@11:04 p.m.

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June 25, 2011

–The New York Times

I don’t think there’s any reason for me to call the NYT anything but what it is; it doesn’t need code.

I’m not sure what’s going on with that newspaper today; it’s been unfriendly for a while. I stop calling for a few days and it gets mad at me?

–Your friendly neighborhood police officers

This morning, I thought I would give both Another Way and the Montpelier library some time to cool off, so I stayed in Barre. I was also really tired; walking a lot and not getting enough sleep would make anybody tired.

I went to the Historical Society, which is open Saturdays. Today wasn’t one of the Saturdays when it’s open. It was cold and rainy (it was) this morning, so being outside wasn’t going to be good. I went over to the corner by the side door, which was protected from the elements except for being close to the steps. I alternately slept, read, and tried to be comfortable on the concrete. I was there by about 9:00 a.m..

At 2:30 p.m., a police car and a police SUV drove into the entrance in front of the side door. One of the police officers walked up the steps and said to me “There was an alarm here. How long have you been here? Can I see your ID?”

I had tried to open the door at the side entrance at 9:00 a.m., when I got there. I saw that the place was closed and did nothing more after that than try to sleep in the corner of the entrance.

The police officer told the other officer to go around and check the building.

I gave him my driver’s license, and he read the numbers on it into his radio.

He asked me a few more questions, said into the radio “She was just curled up here with a book,” and then told me I could “move along.”

What I’m wondering is if the police were out looking for me today, if they saw me and then showed up to try to intimidate me or even to try to make me angry by telling me that “there had been an alarm” at the building.

–Legare’s Farmstand

I had taken a note yesterday but had forgotten to write online that Legare’s Farmstand, of the “Blueberry Bushes” sign and the bird banners, now also has a sign for “Wilcox’s Ice Cream” on its front door.

–The new “Flood Relief” center on Main Street now has a homemade sign in its window that says:

“Clean Up Cellars Lawns,

Restorations, Roofing and Siding,

Carpentry, Repair”

Then it gives the name and number of the business, next to where it says “Great References.”

That sign is an example of people trying to make money off the harassment. A lot of people have done that; it’s what most of what has happened over the past year and a half has been about.

–Benefit Concert

The Barre Civic Center-BOR Arena sign in front of the shopping center has said:

“Flood Relief

Benefit Concert

Barre Auditorium

Sun Jun 26

2:30 p.m.

TIX at Door $10”

for a few days.

–They sure drove a long way

A few days ago, I passed by a house that had both the Southern Baptist Disaster Relief van and another van that said it was from a similar agency in Texas in its driveway. I saw a group of white-haired men sitting near the vans. They saw me pass by and laughed.

@7:04 p.m.

My real thought about the visits from those southerners is that they were drawn here by the bigotry that has me as its intended victim. I thought that the second I saw them.

@7:50 p.m.

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June 25, 2011

–Self-analysis

I’ve been thinking lately about why I’m selfish in particular ways, sometimes.

I know that I start a lot of sentences by saying things such as “Since I was in the hospital,” or “Since I got a psychiatric history.” I would have been more than happy to leave all of that in the past, the first time it did happen, but a lot of people don’t let you do that.

The stigma of it is terrible; it shuts you out from humanity in a way that I don’t think a lot of other things do. It seems to be a universal stigma; no matter which other, stigmatized group you are in, you most likely have some kind of prejudice against people who have psychiatric histories.

In some ways, it’s worse than having been in jail in terms of how people see you. At least, if you have a past criminal record, and that’s all, you could say “I made a mistake,” or “I learned my lesson,” or something along those lines. I’m happy to be corrected by people who have lived with criminal records if I’m wrong about that, but on a personal level, I don’t know that there continues to be that same level of suspicion about whether or not you can handle life and are a good person if all that’s happened to you is that you’ve been in jail, once you’ve done a good job on your life for a long time.

Once you become whatever it is that gives you some positive recognition from people, you don’t have the same feeling about that kind of recognition as you did before you ever had a psychiatric history. I remember that when I was in high school, which is where I was the last time I had achieved a lot without also having a psychiatric past, there were people of whom I sometimes felt envious, but I don’t think that I went through what I’ve gone through about other people’s achievements or expression of talents through the years since then, at times.

I’m thinking about last year and the fall before that, when TV shows and others that I was interacting with from my Friendster profile would respond positively to things I wrote with ideas and accomplishments of their own, and I would respond very negatively to them without thinking about it first. That happened a lot.

I think that what happens when you get a stigma that nothing ever really erases is that you feel, without necessarily realizing it “No. You don’t get to have any of what I have that doesn’t even really balance out the stigma in the first place. It may be that I can make people laugh or write things that are smart, but all that does is make people hesitate sometimes before attacking me; it doesn’t ever make the stigma go away or cause others to see me the way the world saw me before I got that stigma. I’m not going to extend to you the wholehearted, positive attention that I know that I don’t truly get from you or from anybody else, no matter what I do.”

A psychiatric stigma is that way; nothing ever really gets rid of it. You have to fight for every little thing, and that can make you unwilling to respond kindly to other people’s expressions of kindness toward you or evidence of them having been inspired by you.

@7:58 p.m.

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June 25, 2011

This is one of those times when I have to more or less guess, because I don’t have enough time to look more closely at anything. I also only have a half-hour before everyone is supposed to be out of the common areas here.

Nobody should be looking at my food stamps purchases. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with it, and maybe I don’t, but somebody or something just sent some kind of ad for Italian product of some kind to my e-mail account while I was logged in there.

This is the last time I’m going to address this issue; I really got mad a few weeks ago, so this isn’t a bad time to make my point about it. I can’t edit or fix anything in this section; I just have to write it.

After the police showed up at the Historical Society, I was glad that they didn’t do more to me and then I thought “I’m going to the grocery store, and then I’m going to go sit outside.” I went to the grocery store, and, as usual now, it took me a much, much longer time than it should to figure out what to buy, so as not to be perceived as sending messages to anyone who shouldn’t be looking at what I buy electronically anyway.

I ended up buying Polar Diet Orange Dry Tonic or Soda. I stood there looking at it for a while, thinking “Did Basketball Diaries (code) ever advertise trying to save polar bears? Should I not buy this for that reason?” I remembered there being a movie with a picture of a polar bear trying to find a place to be around a lot of garbage where its habitat should be. Then I thought “That was probably just something I remember from an ad I once saw for that eco-movie; he probably never had it up on the Web for a long time and I don’t have to worry about it. I’ll keep an eye out for that to be an issue in the next few days.”

I’m going to post this message, even though as I started it, I also remember that Tristan (code) has an Italian last name.

I’ve made my final decisions about these men; I made those decisions a while ago.

I wondered, as I walked away from the grocery store, why I would even take the risk of buying something that Basketball Diaries could mistake as being about him or that anyone else could mistake as being about Basketball Diaries. Then I realized that the police showing up at the Historical Society, tacitly accusing me of trying to break into the place, had really scared me and that I hadn’t looked at my motives for doing something that might make Basketball Diaries create a supportive website.

I guess when you’re really, actually scared, and you don’t think about what you do next, you might do something like that, or at least, that’s what I did.

The main issue here is that whether or not I reject an actor or am rejected by an actor, or reject or am rejected by anyone else, it shouldn’t something for which I’m walking around afraid of being arrested on a completely false charge, made up by the police who were out looking for me.

It becomes this nationally broadcast thing; so and so Rich and Famous wants me to be dead or alive, and then people where I am follow through on that. Who ever bought soda as an unconscious attempt to try to avoid police brutality before?

@10:41 p.m.

I didn’t even look at anything 17 (code) did this morning or last night after what I wrote. I didn’t look at anything, any newspapers, watch TV or anything else, until much later in the day, and I’m only just now looking at any of 17’s websites. I did one Google search on his name a few hours ago, saw the usual line-up of things I don’t like, and went on to what I had gotten ready to write about for the day.

When the police showed up earlier today at the Historical Society, I figured he must have rejected me, but I don’t know that I was saying “DATE ME!” last night. I was explaining some past things; I don’t want to be involved with anyone who does what he does, and I said that, too.

@10:50 p.m./edits/addions @ 10:57 p.m.

15 (code): What I wrote earlier today about the disaster relief vans from other states wasn’t meant to be code for you. You are learning bigotry, unfortunately, because of what’s happened over the past year and a half, but you’re not like the people I described in that section.

The big harassers are trying to re-establish and make bigger and worse, and permanent, attitudes and systems that more conscientious people have been trying to get rid of for decades, for centuries. You might not realize just how bad what’s happened and what’s continuing to happen is; I’m sure that you don’t. I was trying to follow my plan of not talking to you, but I didn’t want your feelings to be hurt by what I wrote about them, and so here’s this note.

@11:03 p.m.

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June 27, 2011

My WordPress blog seems to be working ok. Here’s something I wrote on Weebly yesterday when I wasn’t sure that this blog would work:

————————————————————————————————————————

June 26, 2011
–Either I’m getting my WordPress password wrong or my blog there has been censored. I might be able to try to check it in a minute, but I might not.

–I’m going to try to take a break from the Internet tonight. I notice that when I don’t do that, sometimes the best I can do is be awkward.

–I started thinking about a quote today, and am going to put it here. I think that, as far as my attempts not to be dominated by code issues while trying to be mindful of other people’s needs go, it’s the right thing to say:

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds…..”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m going to put this here, and will take it out later if I can put it on WordPress….if I still need to do that:

I need to do it this way because I promised people here that I wouldn’t be on the Internet for a long time tonight.

–I wasn’t hitting on 12 (code) last night. That’s what time it was.

–I did think for a minute that Sophie and Digg (code) had adopted a dog named Bear, and I wasn’t sure I should fully describe the ad that I ended up describing. Sometimes, I am more truthful than I need to be; I could have just said “I saw an ad that had a polar bear in it, a few years ago.” My screw-up; sorry.

Weebly doesn’t have outfits…no outfits to fix things with….I hate that.

@7:36 p.m.

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June 27, 2011

I looked at a couple of the Google blog posts for Sophie (code) and Digg (code) this morning. It’s 5:34 a.m. right now, where I am. I guess I have a couple of things to say.

Whatever’s going on with you, a lot of people blame me for things that aren’t my fault. For me to some extra precautions that way, to protect myself and out of residual concern for whatever your relationship still is; I don’t think that’s an unreasonable thing to do.

As far as things being out of proportion; I wonder if that’s a concept that either of you or anyone else who’s been involved in bullying me literally to the point of being in danger for my life on a daily basis for a long time has considered applying to my situation.

What I’ve noticed about myself, what I noticed about my polar bear story in particular, is that my fear has been making me do and say things that I don’t want to do and say. For example, I don’t have any warm feelings for Basketball Diaries (code); I’m afraid of him, and of what his, yours, other’s like you, the media’s, corporations’ and government’s attacks on me encourage other people whom I meet in person to do. For that reason, because of that fear, I’ve become automatically ingratiating to people who have and continue to do horrible things; you all finally got that from me.

Why did I offer to make outfits last night for someone who hates me? Because I didn’t want the code news stories and other things out there this morning to have the theme of “But she does it all the time; how can we trust her?”

In fact, I was thinking, which I didn’t say because I wanted to keep it short and to keep my more personal discussions on WordPress, that the same kind of fear probably was what caused me to elaborate on the polar bear story the first time I wrote it. Digg had a crush on me for a while, in my explanation that I wasn’t interested in Basketball Diaries I was also explaining away whatever protection Basketball Diaries thinking I was interested in him might have given me, and therefore, in my fear-stricken psyche, I needed protection from somebody else, like one of the original 4 men.

That’s what I’ve been reduced to; someone who is afraid all the time, and who makes those decisions based on fear without even thinking about it.

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June 27, 2011

I have to rewrite this part, because when I tried to publish I found I needed to log back into WordPress and that what I had written here was gone. I don’t know what time it was when I wrote the preceding paragraphs for this morning.

This seems like the right time to say that what I wrote about 17 (code) in the past few weeks was genuine, but that it seems as if maybe I shouldn’t have said any of it as pertained to the possibility of dating him.

That being said, I am still as sure as ever that the way that he and others express their thoughts about me, both positive and negative, has been and continues to be not only inappropriate but very destructive because it encourages impressionable people to be horribly degrading about women. There are a lot of articulate, intelligent ways to say things such as “I’m not interested in you anymore,” or “I have conflicted feelings about you, but there’s someone else now,” or “You’re the one who told me that you wouldn’t go out with me when I WAS interested because you hate my behavior, and I had and have no intention of changing my behavior for what you would consider the better, so there’s your answer.”

@6:18 a.m.

There’s also, in some situations, letting go of people and that being difficult when you’ve been around them for a long time, even if it’s only been in cyberspace the whole time. It was fun at first, more than a year ago; I think it was fun for everyone, and I never meant for things to get so “out of proportion,” and I don’t think that the fact that they did get out of proportion is a result of malice from me, but of misogyny and malice from other forces who were observing the situation and who were and continue to be very opportunistic about it.

It’s been hard to watch the development of things such as pedophilia promotion among people that I spent a long time caring about; all of it’s been hard for me. Maybe somebody else would have had an easier time detaching than I have.

I’ve noticed that Digg tends to interpret things I say, like in the paragraph just before this one, as a sign of hope that I might want to date him. By now, I have to say; I’ve said no a lot to him a lot, and also, I have to think that getting a chance to date me is more of an international joke and competition than something driven by real interest. Isn’t it interesting how (my edit 06/27/11 @8:39 p.m.) things such AAAAGGGGE can decimate such powerful things as ETERNAAAAL LOOOOOOVE.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. HA HA. How many “ha’s” wouldn’t be interpreted as code here?

@6:30 a.m.

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June 27, 2011

I had planned to write a lot in my own defense, but people are, aside from their usual involvement in horrific things, being uncharacteristically less vicious than usual, so I’ll write less than I intended to.

–12 (code) I really wasn’t hitting on you. I made the short explanation last night, and even that didn’t do me any good; today some newspaper said something like “Rejection and Blah Blah Blah.” I’m pretty sure it actually said “Blah Blah Blah.”

–What happened with the police on Saturday surprised me and gave me an extra edge of fear; when something like that happens, it can take me a few days to get calmed down. It’s one thing to lose my temper somewhere under duress; the one other time I had to talk to the police all of a sudden like that in the past months since I’ve been at the shelter, they ended up being really nice about it, and only one business said I couldn’t come back. Even the other businesses on that day weren’t willing to bring the lie “we don’t know why she got upset” through to its conclusion of giving me a whole bunch of “Do Not Trespass” warnings. Everyone knows what’s going on, and on that day a couple of months ago, I had at least gone in and said something to someone, even though I wasn’t terribly disruptive.

This past Saturday, I wasn’t doing ANYTHING but trying to stay warmer than I would have been if I were completely outside instead of trying to be comfortable on some concrete that at least had a roof over it even though it wasn’t indoors.

For the police TO LIE, to go out looking for me and then make something up to imply that they thought I was trying to get into a building on a day when it was cold outside; that is overt, direct persecution and was very scary.

Nobody should be worried that anything I thought out and said before then wasn’t genuine; obviously, the things that are calmer and really seem the best thought out are the ones to look at as what I mean the most. When I’m angry, I might say what I mean in a way that is very abrupt, and then say the same thing again later in a way that’s nicer. However, I wasn’t lying about anything I wrote before Saturday.

I also wasn’t lying about anything I wrote or did in the past few days. To try to understand and to explain to others why I might have done things that don’t quite make sense after a big scare; those are not the same things as lying to people to get on their good side.

If I had lied to people to get on their good side, why would I then admit it? This morning I was talking about not liking having been unconsciously, subtly manipulative out of fear; really, though, nobody should be watching my food stamps purchases, and I think that the conscious statements that I make, the overt ones that I’ve obviously thought about and follow through on are the ones that people ought to take the most seriously. I deserve that as much as anybody else does; I’ve taken as much responsibility for code issues as anyone, and when I’ve made errors, I’ve tried to take responsibility for those, also.

June 27, 2011 @8:40 p.m.

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June 27, 2011

I only have a few minutes left on the Internet for now, and lately my Weebly blog has been having problems with slow publishing, so I’m going to put as much here as I can before I have to go. I expect typos.

–A male resident came back to the shelter tonight and said that he’d been on the Internet all day at Another Way, the place where the director said the place needed “a sprinkler system to distribute Haldol (an antipsychotic)” after I’d tried to get another guy to stop talking about ” a slice of cheese” over and over again behind me and he’d ended up standing over me and yelling at me that I was going to apologize to him for calling him a loser after he and everyone else in the place had denied harassing me.

I can’t spend a minute on the computer at Another Way without getting hassled. That’s a situation that could easily end up with me back at the hospital after being arrested; the people who have been harassing me there would love that.

–The other day, the toilet overflowed at a convenience store that had let me use their restroom. It was clean water, but I had jiggled the handle to try to get the last piece of toilet paper to go, and it overflowed. I made the guy give me the mop so that I could get all the water myself. I said “I know it’s going to be an issue; let me do it.” He stood there and watched me do it; as that was happening, another guy walked past him and said “Standing guard?”

I’m being treated like an animal. It’s not as if I didn’t know that that place supports the harassment. The gas pumps have whales as pictures on them and the store itself has had wet floor signs on the completely dry floor every time I’ve ever been there.

–The Department of Labor

On this past Friday, the supervisor at the Department of Labor told me that one of the case managers wanted to see me. The case manager asked me into her office and said that she wanted to help me find work. She asked me to be back for an appointment at 10:30 a.m. today.

The first thing that happened today is that I asked her how her weekend was and she said “It was nice; good weather to have after all that rain. I’m so tired of the rain, Lena.”

She made a similar comment at the end of the appointment, after I’d answered all of her questions and told her that she didn’t need to rework my resume for me and then show it to me, that I would follow her suggestions, rework it myself and then ask her to critique my revisions.

She also kept using my name all the time at the end of sentences, in a way and tone of voice that I’m sure that people who are recognized universally as being mentally challenged don’t like any more than I did.

Why would somebody seek me out to say that he or she wants to help me, and then use the opportunity to abuse me? On Friday, I was really relieved that she’d said she wanted to help; she hadn’t previously been abusive to me at all.

She must read my blogs, so she must know that I need to be able to say that I’m taking steps to be productive or I’ll lose my housing at the shelter.

Every day, effort is made by all kinds of people to prevent me from leading a normal, healthy, productive live, and I don’t see the good in having people whose job it is to help me achieve that take the opportunity to abuse me and to abuse my trust.

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June 27, 2011

Why is the person who’s being considered to join the cast for that movie being considered for it? Is it because of her last name? Are you (you being the faction of the entertainment industry that’s involved in all of the bad issues) planning to continue your joke? You’re going to keep insisting that it’s just a joke and that I’m overreacting, even after everything that’s happened over the past year with your other jokes that you thought I was taking too seriously?

Children are being molested all over Vermont. Also, I have taken so many notes about the increasing pedophilic symbolism in stores and other things that are going on with it and with the harassment in general over the past week that I haven’t had a chance to organize the notes and put them online. I never have enough time to do it, and every place that I go to use the Internet, I get harassed. I also can’t deal with it; I can’t do it every day. I can’t even take good notes every day; seeing how much the larger forces, like those in government, in the media and corporations who are pushing these bad issues want their plans to work out for them, want horrible things to keep happening and to get worse, it’s too much for me.

I will say that my being harassed in person seems to have been getting less bad the longer I’ve had this WordPress blog and have kept a record of my interactions with various people. I think that the blog and the record of what really goes on is helping to dispel the false and hugely overemphasized rumors that had to do with me over the past year. There are still a lot of unkind people around, but in general, I’ve been getting harassed a lot less in terms of people trying to bother me on the street.

Today, though, I couldn’t do anything after I’d been at the DOL; I was too demoralized, and I couldn’t imagine staying in the place where I knew, given the behavior of the case manager, that I’d probably be harassed by other staff until I left or got upset.

Tonight, when I first got back to the shelter before 7:00 p.m., I was given a message that the company that I’d interviewed with a short time ago had called and said that they’d given the job to someone else and that they’d “keep my application on file.” Yesterday, I’d gotten a phone message from them saying that they wanted to see me for a 2^nd interview this morning at 9:00 a.m.. I had my appointment at the DOL this morning at 10:30 a.m., and I didn’t know how long the interview at the business would take, so I’d called back yesterday and left a message saying that I could be available for a 2^nd interview any day after Monday.

Whatever happened today, and for whatever reason, I didn’t get the job. Yesterday, they wanted to see me again to talk to me some more, and today, by the late morning, they didn’t.

–There’s another guy here at the shelter who never stops coughing around me. He’s someone who asked me out and whom I rejected; that happened a while ago. He’s also the guy who was able to be on the Internet “all day” at Another Way today.

—

June 27, 2011

Colter (code), I wasn’t hitting on you the other night, either. I did a Google search on your name this morning to make sure you weren’t feeling heartbroken over me; you didn’t look as though you were, and I think that’s for the best.

——–

June 27, 2011

Your Name Is (code), since I just did a Google search on your name and know that that will be an issue that gets talked about online all night, and that that all-night chatter will affect my safety and job prospects in the morning, and since I can’t afford to let that happen, I am going to make an all-purpose statement about you even though I didn’t get a chance to look at much of what you have online at the moment, and haven’t looked you up in a while.

If someone who could be proven to be telling the truth only about your eventual interest had told me 1o years ago (no code, for the love of G-d!) that you would be interested in me some day, my reaction would have been shocked silence, followed by feelings of extreme happiness and something close to awe. If there were ever someone in your line of work who seemed completely unattainable, anyone who I wouldn’t have pictured with terrible politics and repulsive ads for stupid and harassing things all over your blog posts at the age of 38….

I don’t feel that way now. I hope this is the end of it.

@10:47 p.m. ( no code….maybe the love of G-d won’t work. I’ve tried that….maybe I should say “for the love of Satan.” Will that work? I don’t think the bad guys like G-d very much, not the G-d I imagine to be a good one.)

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June 28, 2011

The fact that I can’t go into the Aldrich Library in Barre without being arrested for trespassing after they harassed me into losing my temper, the fact that I get harassed when I go to the Montpelier library, the fact that I got harassed not only by clients but also by the director of Another Way in Montpelier, which is supposed to be a safe place for psychiatric survivors to go; all of that means that I have a lot less Internet access than I otherwise would.

Although there is still harassment in the displays at the Montpelier library, there really only seems to be one staff member who persists in trying to harass me directly. However, when she’s there, she makes things difficult, and the last time I was there, she succeeded in getting me to raise my voice, which is the sort of thing that can get you kicked out of a library. The director of the library is obviously complicit with it all; how people can just look at you and lie about something that is known worldwide to be true is something that’s difficult for me to understand.

Because I don’t have a lot of Internet access, and because the big harassers use every excuse to imply that I express incontinent sexual interest, and because the more of those insinuations there are, the more immediately dangerous my life becomes, I have, at times, been very abrupt or even harsh about expressing rejecting in situations where I wouldn’t otherwise be that way. It’s another sign of how bad the overall situation is, that people are so afraid; it’s exactly like the pictures I had up of the book 1984, with the idea that people are so afraid of being attacked by the big harassers that they attack others who might not even be hostile to them as a first response in order to avoid being bullied by those big harassers. “Shoot first, ask questions later” is not a good basis for civilization.

I may also have missed signs of returned interest that got sparked as a result of the misunderstanding and false portrayal of me by the big harassers, and so my rejections must have seemed, at times, extra harsh because of that.

That added to the fact that there are residents (some of them are gathering now, at the table behind me—the room was empty when I sat down) of the shelter who look over my shoulder, that there’s no privacy at Another Way, either, that there are only 2 computers that give me or anyone who uses them any privacy at the Montpelier library because of where they are in the room; all of that means that the more time I spend looking at people’s blog posts, the more likely I am to be harassed when I’m at the computer. At the very least, I rarely, if ever, have any privacy to read them.

In addition to the harassment being unpleasant, with comments and loud coughing, sometimes it makes me angry. I don’t want to get into arguments with people over it.

June 28, 2011

This message is for 12 (code):

I’ve been so abused for so long that when I saw the front page of that newspaper the other day, what I saw was “Rejection and Rejection” or “Rejection and Abuse” instead of what it really said. My assumption, also, was that you had no interest at all, or curiosity, and so I looked at your first blog post for a few seconds before I said what I said last night. It’s true that I hadn’t been hitting on you; when I saw that some of the big harassers had interpreted it that way, I also assumed I couldn’t possibly be hurting your feelings no matter how I clarified that I hadn’t been hitting on you, so I said it the way I said it.

June 28, 2011

This message is for Colter (code):

Please consider the theme of what I started off writing tonight to explain what might have seemed like extra harshness last night. We’re all settled, and I thought the way I said that to you specifically was the right way to put it. Then, as I was writing the next message, I felt that grip of fear that I had to be extra careful and emphatic about clarifying to avoid unintentional code issues, which probably ruined the effect of the message that I had just written to you a minute before.

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@9:31 p.m.

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June 29, 2011

OK, 12 (code), it’s time for me to help the world understand why you would be one of the last people I’d ever want to date, and how what I put on Weebly today was the time that it was and that I decided not to play the code game today by saying “no code.”

You may not realize why it is that I dislike your dating behavior so far. First, you went after Tristan (code), even though you knew (which I didn’t) that he had a girlfriend. It’s true that he seems to have used his movie only partially to woo me and mostly to be perhaps out of his relationship, which was over, to get attention by joining the “chase Lena game” and that he also had the fallback plan of dissing me no matter what I did. In any case, you went after him even though you knew he liked me in one way or another.

Then, when Tristan became totally available to you, you decided to go after 17 (code).

Everything you’ve done so far has seemed to be driven by egotism, competitiveness, and a calculating personality. You have to know as much as anyone else that it’s a weird and wacky dating world for the celebrities, and that’s aside from the part of it that’s disgusting, chauvinist and lethal. You’re the only one I’ve seen so far who doesn’t seem to have any sense of humor about yourself or to be able to take your knocks like all the rest of us.

I’m not a fan; I haven’t been for quite some time.

I wasn’t going to say any of that, by the way, but I’m tiiiiiiiired of your selfish behavior, dahling, I’m tiiiiiiired of it.

@7:43 p.m.

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June 29, 2011

I walked by the TV a few minutes ago, which is showing “The Italian Job,” and I saw the first two numbers of my birthday written by one of the characters on a chalkboard or something in the movie. That made me want to look up what year that movie was released; 2003. That means it was a coincidence.

I’m going to say this again; if one more person in the entertainment industry, the government, the media, from one of the Internet engines or anybody or anywhere else calls me a stalker…….EVERYTHING I have has been hacked, and I don’t even know how long that’s been going on. Years, I think. YEARS.

Speaking of stalking, maybe sometime I should talk about what The New Yorker did for a few years, including JUST HOW personal the magazine’s private investigator got. That is a magazine that has also attacked me for a long time.

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June 29, 2011

Basketball Diaries (code), I will never be interested in you. You should never take anything I ever say, do, buy, wear, or talk about saying, doing, buying, wearing, or thinking to mean that I might be interested in you now or ever. I will never be interested.

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June 29, 2011

I WAS missing Polyvore, but in the days since I had an account there, I had forgotten about their not-nice side. Absence makes the heart grow fonder for some, cattier for others, I guess.

I don’t feel like scrounging through the bags of clothes that people toss on the porch in the name of donations. I found a few things that either fit or sort’ve fit, and there’s too much going on every day for me to spend time on it.

You would not believe the things that people donate to the shelter; here’s a message for those people, and for everyone who ever thinks about making these kinds of donations:

The shelter doesn’t need your garbage. No shelter, and no kind of charity, needs your stuff that’s worn out and gross; if you wouldn’t wear it or give it to someone you care about, don’t leave it here. The shelter doesn’t need trash, literal trash, being thrown on its porch. I’m not even talking about clothing that’s stained or torn or old; I’m mean people leaving bags here that have trash in them.

I know it’s a difficult concept for a lot of people to understand, but homeless people are people. All people are people; they don’t need your trash anymore than you do.

@10:44 p.m.

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June 29, 2011

I saw some of the President’s talk today; he and everyone else who’s been involved in the harassment have to be some of the most pathetic people who have ever lived. Who wants to harass someone who’s living in a shelter? Who wants to call people vagina names all day, and put masks over their faces as if to ward off vagina smell? Who wants to do that for a year? What does it prove?

To me, it proves that these people are petty and pathetic; that’s all it proves.

@10:30 p.m.

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June 30, 2011

I’m back at Another Way. One of the female staff here was saying from another room, loudly, “I only cough when I’m here. It has to be something in the building that I’m allergic to.”

June 30, 2011

The other day, I saw someone who had a shirt that said “Baseball Star (code that I put here; it had his real name) Drinks Wine Coolers.”

When I was in high school and college, wine coolers were considered a “girl” drink in a negative way if men had them. It seems likely to me that the people who made and wear that kind of t-shirt were using that idea with another, negative connotation in light of the overall, harassment situation that has occurred over the past year.

I am still happy to try to find and remove specific references to particular celebrities and other famous people from my Weebly blog. If such people would care to let me know what page of that blog those references are on, I will try to find time to remove them.

I’m also sorry to all concerned for my unnecessary, extra mentions last year of that person’s mistake in showing interest in me; it was rude and uncalled for from me. I’d already made my thoughts clear, and I didn’t need to keep talking about it when I did. It seems to me that my having done that encouraged retaliation from him and others in that situation.

As I sign off, the female staffmember with the supposedly “Another-Way-specific” coughing problem and the male client in his 50’s who has devoted himself to harassing me and then trying to get me kicked out if I object to his behavior since the first day that I was ever here got into a discussion about how soft the tongue of a dog that’s here is, how it’s “licking the salt off the (female staffmember’s) skin,” and so on and so on.

This is not the kind of “Sexland, USA” that I would create if I ever even wanted to create one, which I wouldn’t. It’s inappropriate to talk about sex all day, and it’s especially inappropriate for staffmembers of any place that’s supposed to be safe for members of a vulnerable population to talk about sex all day, and make allusions to it constantly, whether the allusions are negative or positive.

How many more times do I have to explain this?

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June 30, 2011

A note: I don’t drink, so far. I’ve never been drunk or used any illegal drugs, or used any OTC or prescription drugs in an abusive way. It’s been a while since I made that announcement online; it was one of the first things I ever talked about.

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June 30, 2011

Wait, though, there’s more:

17 (code) encouraged 12 (code) to pursue him, even though he knew that Tristan (code) was still interested in her.

17, you are turning into SUCH a jerk; a relentless chauvinist and real degenerate with no concern at all for how your actions affect other people.

The other day, I was at a church and a woman kept saying about some little girls who were turning themselves around poles that held up the ceiling “There she goes around that pole, there she goes around another one,” and laughing. Finally she said “They’re REAL poledancers,” and laughed some more.

Today, I went to another church, the Trinity United Methodist. There, I saw a little girl wearing shin-high boots, tights, a see-through, wrap-around tutu, a t-shirt, and a bra-shirt that tied over the t-shirt. The cross in the room had a stuffed animal duck sitting on it.

Also today, I saw a sign in an intersection that said: “The BEACH is OPEN. North 5　Miles, Route 12 N.” The biggest words on the sign were “Beach,” “Open” and “5.” In fact, the 5, which I’m pretty sure was about me having said before that I’ve slept with only 5 people in my life, was the most noticeable thing on the sign except for “Beach.” The smallest writing on the sign was reserved for characters such as the number 12; it was almost illegible from all the distances that “Beach,” “Open,” and “5” were legible except right up close to it while I was writing down what was on the sign.

The idea that I’m a perpetual slut who scoffs at family values and that you and 12 are innocent, young, would-be lovers continually being thwarted by my overheated, middle-aged nymphomania is both disgusting and untrue.

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June 30, 2011

Your Name Is (code)….I said “no” already, and I’m going to use the vernacular here and say “like a million times.”

There are a lot of other people in the world that I can go out with; the world isn’t only populated by actors and other famous people.

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June 30, 2011

The President’s speech yesterday; I saw some of that on TV and thought “He must be winning. There’s no way that he’d be wearing a purple tie with white dots on it and using all kind of harassing language if whatever national attention he’s gotten for what he’s done were entirely negative.”

I left a message for the NYT saying “It looks as if women going to be permanently degraded and people are going to be having sex with children. You mock everything that’s good and decent” and then I asked why I should care anymore.

Several hours later, the NYT website had a picture of someone with a mask over his face and also a picture of a fish on the first page of its website. Google had a previously unseen blog post that said “Lets you hang.”

Right now, at 12:50 p.m., the first, daily blog post on a Google search for the name Barack Obama says “Fisher Investments” at the top of the page. Just below that, it says “Tweet 58.”

It’s now 12:55 p.m.. I just did a Google search on the phrase “Barack Obama Twitter.” What it says under the first listing, which is the link to the President’s Twitter page, is:

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BarackObama‎: This minute, we’re at 464880 grassroots donors. We’re so close to our new goal—just 10k to go. t.co/2gt6mZh 1 hour ago

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June 30, 2011

17 (code), I don’t think that the NYT could have told you the majority of what I said about you yesterday. What I had said, and what was most relevant, was “He’s such a jerk, but in a perfect world where he wasn’t doing jerk things, if he really ever had been serious about me, I would want him to date other people first, even for a few years.”

@1:06 p.m.

There isn’t any code here except where I said there was; there ISN”T.

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June 30, 2011

Obviously, there are people watching me in person all the time, and I never know who they are or where they are.

@7:34 p.m.

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June 30, 2011

There’s code here for the name where it would otherwise be a name: 17.

If there’s more code, I will try to remember to indicate that as I go; it will look like code, as in code for a real name where I name would be.

Because I don’t have enough Internet access, I haven’t looked at much of what you’ve done this week. Today was the first day in a while. Yesterday, I left two messages at the NYT. In the first one, I hadn’t looked online or at any newspapers that day. I said that what you and The Secret (code) had done the other day was nice, that I had thought she was cool before that aside from being somewhat more hardcore than I’ve ever been or would want to be but it seems like that’s not totally out of character for what your life is like and it’s not AMORAL like a lot of other things you’re doing now, and aside from her involvement, like your involvement, in things that are seriously evil. I said for the NYT to make sure that you didn’t break up with her and that she didn’t go 1,000 miles away or anything. I also said that I was very uncomfortable leaving the message because what was I contributing to? Was it supporting the awful things you’ve been doing, because I didn’t mean it that way at all. I had originally written out the message longhand and hadn’t had a chance to write it online, and then I got worried that you might be breaking up with The Secret and I didn’t want to wait for my 1/2 hour at night or whenever I could get it to say something, so I called the NYT with much trepidation.

The original message that I’d written out longhand also included my saying “WHY don’t you understand that promoting these things is wrong? Even the Iranian government makes the pretense that the prisoners did something to deserve their punishment; nobody can even pretend to make that argument about kids. There are people who want you to believe that sexual abuse of children is good for children; those people are lying to you in order to obtain their goals.” I didn’t say those things to the NYT, but I did say that I thought what you’re doing is wrong and that I didn’t want to contribute to it.

By the time I left my second message, I’d seen the President on TV and had also seen the front page of the NYT. In addition to what I’ve already said about that, what I was feeling when I left that second message was that something that I was afraid, months ago, would happen when I saw you had signed up for the movie has now been happening, which is that I have been allowing myself to be dragged through the making of this movie with you. One day, you seem to be indicating “I’m not going to promote pedophilia, and I care about Lena and I care at least something about the other issues,” and the next day, you’re obviously indicating something like “I’m going to promote all of these issues as much as I can because I’m mad at Lena.” That being mad at me isn’t a good reason to promote any of those issues never seems to occur to you.

For me to be dragged through the making of this movie; it’s going to destroy my credibility to fight any of my side of the issues, and I’m going to be used as an instrument for the promotion of things that I think are terrible and that I’m completely against. (I’m being harassed behind me as I write this; same lady who just moved in a few days ago.)

In the past few days, new signs have gone up at Dunkin’ Donuts. The one in the front of the Montpelier store, by the road, says

“New

Dunkin’ Donuts

Cherry Flavor

Captain America

Coolatta

Captain America

The First Avenger

In Theaters July 22″

There’s another sign like that on the front of the store, and one next to it says:

“Every Hero Needs a Sidekick

Captain America

Text “CAP” to 386546

and play at Dunkin’ Donuts”

Then there’s the same line for the movie.

You and your girlfriend are being portrayed as heroes for degrading women and for promoting the acceptance of the idea that it’s alright to use children as sexual prey.

Most of the time, I don’t like to look at your blogs anyway, and I don’t want to spend the time that I do have on looking at them, because you get more vicious every day.

I’ve spent days now dealing with being accused of having been hitting on 12 (code) and what I need to be spending what time I have on is combating the horrible effects of the horrible things that you are doing all the time.

Throughout all of this, there is always me dealing with my constant frustration that you don’t seem to understand how really, seriously bad the things that you’re doing are. What has happened to the world that someone with your amount of natural intelligence, who is still a teen idol in a lot of ways but who is an adult, doesn’t understand, really doesn’t understand that what you’re doing is wrong and you see me as being a terrible person for protesting it?

When I get angry at you and at others who are doing what you’re doing, it’s not because I only in that minute got angry; it’s because I spend a lot of energy controlling my temper about it and in those moments I cannot control my anger about it for one more second.

@7:51 p.m.

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June 30, 2011

I’m putting this next part here, not because I want to talk to someone directly, but because it will put attention on that person even though it’s not about him.

The other day, I bought a chocolate bar, a “$100,000” bar. Nobody should be looking at my food stamps purchases, but I didn’t mind sending an ironic “FY” to the people who are.

The wrapper had a “promotion code” with a phone number to call written on the inside of it. I called the number; it had two lines you could listen to, both for kids. They were similar, involving Sweepstakes and Facebook connections. The first one was about promoting a movie, which I didn’t look at online. The second one was the “Willy Wonka” line, and it said things like “Hey kids, are you ready to RIDE? Ready to RIDE? Cruise on over to….” whatever the online connection was. One of them also used the term “ridiculously,” to describe how fun it would all be.

It’s terrible.

@8:00 p.m.

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July 1, 2011

I bought some white chocolate today, on food stamps. The Price Chopper probably has video of me standing there trying to decide whether or not to buy it. I had gone there to buy cereal, and when I went in I thought “I feel like getting something that I really want; I’m going to walk through the store until I find what that might be.”

I looked for things that were good for me, but all the fruit had “message” issues, too, even if it were just being green or red. There’s always a lot of starch at the shelter, so I didn’t much feel like spending money on things that had flour in them if I didn’t need to.

I could have bought something else; I guess maybe it was passive-aggressive, although NOBODY SHOULD BE TRACKING MY FOOD STAMPS PURCHASES.

I didn’t see other, more inexpensive options for what I bought; it was the only white chocolate that seemed to be purchasable.

I’ve spent more than the 4 + it cost me for the bag of it on other, smaller purchases at other times, things that I didn’t much want but that were the best I could do in convenience stores. As I’ve said, there are no big grocery stores in Barre; I have to walk at least a mile to get to one.

I don’t know if people who like to malign me also remember that I can’t cook at the shelter. We can’t use the stove; I think maybe if you ask special permission you can use the real stove. We have to use the microwave. Even if I could cook, there’s not enough room in the refrigerators and cabinets for everyone who lives here to buy groceries to live off and to save money that way.

@11:10 p.m.

July 2, 2011

Maybe I’m afraid and was being ingratiating again; insulting and ingratiating.

@4:35 a.m.

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July 2, 2011

Here’s some code for the name: 17.

I think it’s time I tried to stop talking to you unless I have to, the way I’ve stopped talking to other people who do the things you do.

@4:40 a.m.

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July 2, 2011

I’m curious as to what happened to the “get 12 (code) together with Tristan (code)” frenzy that was happening for months in the fall of 2010 and winter of 2011. It seems as if that got replaced with “get 12 (code) together with 17 (code),” and that happened as soon as I gave my full support to 12 and Tristan getting together. Last year, it was “get 15 (code) and 17 (code) together, even though 17’s still in a relationship with 16 (code) and he’s been in that relationship for years.”

It seems to me that those issues are much more about “beating Lena” than they are about getting people together who might be happy. I was constantly refusing to date 17 because he was with 16, and because of his wretched and disgusting behavior, and I’ve done a lot of similar things that indicate integrity. I am really tired of being accused of being cruel, dishonest and promiscuous by people who are far more cruel, dishonest and promiscuous than I have ever been and by the people who encourage that kind of behavior.

I have to say, if the people who created the situation that led up to my being arrested and spending 4 months in a mental hospital where I was harassed around the clock and threatened with involuntary medication, to be released to a shelter where I’ve also been abused, in a town where I’ve been abused every day, can’t find a job, can’t even be in a work program that’s supposed to be specifically for women who have been through some kind of bad time or have had other kinds of problems, self-inflicted or not; if all of that and more that’s happened doesn’t qualify as having given me a pretty thorough beating already, then I don’t know what does.

@4:49 a.m.

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July 2, 2011

There’s code here for 3 names; Mr. and Ms. Your Name Is, and…..ok, it’s not really code, it’s the person’s real age that someone else used, but everyone will know who it is.

Yesterday, I saw that a business had put a car on its front lawn that had “MILLER” and “23” painted on the side of it. I wonder if that business knows that Mr. and Ms. Your Name Is own a house together; at least, that’s what I saw on a website posted by Ms. Your Name Is a few weeks ago.

@6:43 p.m.

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July 2, 2011

The only thing that I was thinking yesterday when I bought some white chocolate was that the people who are illegally tracking my foodstamps purchases might think that I was trying to send a derogatory message. What I was also thinking was that

NOBODY SHOULD BE TRACKING OR TALKING ABOUT MY FOOD STAMPS PURCHASES, AND THAT IT’S WRONG THAT I HAVE EVER FELT THAT I NEEDED TO EXPLAIN ANY OF THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Also, as far as what I wrote last night is concerned, I only took a few minutes at the end of the night to do it. There were also people sleeping in this common area early this morning, and I didn’t want to wake them up. (NO CODE, and it’s stupid that I’m even writing that)

I’m the one who’s under attack ALL THE TIME, and I’ve tried out worrying about what people think of what I buy, and I don’t want to worry about it anymore. My food stamps purchases shouldn’t be getting tracked, talked about or publicized. For me to go through daily cogitations at every store I go to, trying to figure what to buy, and then having moments of rebellion when I don’t want to worry about it, and then seeing things on TV such as what I saw later that afternoon yesterday, where it was something like “DAVID CUSH,” and knowing that it most likely referred to my earlier food stamps purchase…..of course I felt pressure last night to say SOMETHING, and I shouldn’t be feeling that pressure in the first place BECAUSE IT’S ALL A TOTAL VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY IN EVERY WAY, BY MALICIOUS PEOPLE WHO WANT ME TO SUFFER AND DIE!!

@7:50 p.m.

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July 2, 2011

My age is one of the reasons that I ended up the center of attention for those 4 actors and a few more people. I never thought that they’d be interested in me, and as it turns, out, I was right. You don’t treat people the way that every one of them has treated me if you are truly interested them; the whole thing has been at least a partial joke for all of them at all times.

Now, more than a year of constant, serious harassment later, I’ve visibly aged several years past what I looked like 2 years ago, and I’m being attacked for that, too.

That kind of ridicule is part of the process of dehumanizing someone or a group of people.

@6:56 p.m.

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July 2, 2011

Here’s a message for 17(code name):

If you’ve been trying to set me up with one of your friends, I wish you wouldn’t. I have a very low opinion of you, so why would I take a recommendation from you of whom I should date? I’m not going to respond to that kind of recommendation.

Please don’t encourage that any more, and don’t do it for anyone else.

In the past couple of days, a lot more people than usual at the shelter and some people on the street, strangers, have been touching, rubbing or even holding their noses when they saw me. That’s probably because of the pictures you had up a few days ago.

For me to show positive attention to you when you are extremely disrespectful to me and are also promoting terrible things will encourage other people to dislike and to disrespect me.

@7:17 p.m. (No code; it’s only code where it would otherwise make sense for a name to be there.) //addition @ 7:25 p.m. (That’s what time it is. It’s 7:25 p.m.. I shouldn’t be making myself crazy over this; I can’t help what time it is, which is very different from people deliberately putting numbers throughout their blog posts that don’t need to be there. I’m doing the best I can, in all ways.)

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July 5, 2011

I’m back at Another Way. The sign-in sheet has been reinstated. The director told me to let him know if I had any other issues, so here they are:

–When I walked into the kitchen today, I saw that since the last time I was here, someone put two bottles of Murphy’s Oil Soap on the back of the sink. Another Way is supposed to be against discrimination; I think that anti-discrimination policy should extend to women of all ages.

–There has been an article taped to the wall since the first day I got here. It’s from the Summer 2011 publication of “Counterpoint,” which is self-described as “News, Commentary and Arts by Psychiatric Survivors, Mental Health Consumers and Their Families.” The article’s title says “Cherry Blossom Festival Celebrates New Art Center, Raises Aid for Japan”

Counterpoint and Another Way shouldn’t be supporting sexual harassment.

–There’s a frisbee propped up against the window that has birds on it. I know that birds are now being used as part of the harassment of me. There are plenty of lovely and useful frisbees in the world that don’t have pictures or words on them. There are also plenty of frisbees out there that have other images on them besides things that have been or are still being used as harassment of me. I’m sure that there are many free or very inexpensive, non-harassing frisbees that would be happy to be propped up against that same windowsill in place of the one that’s there.

–The Vermont Emergency Management calendar which was dedicated to the sexual harassment and the degradation of women and which was also supportive of pedophilia, which I described on my Weebly blog several weeks ago is on the wall in the same room with the frisbee and the Counterpoint article. The calendar is also something that has appeared for the first time since the last time I was here. It is on the page of the month of July, which shows two little kids at the beach, one ankle-deep in water.
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July 5, 2011

The Lesser of Two Deadly Evils
This is a message to the celebrities who are part of the pedophilia promotion:

With all of the ads for various things that you have always had on your blogs, and considering the business that you are in, you can’t tell me or anyone else that you don’t understand the power of advertising. Let’s talk about the business of advertising; nobody who creates and publishes ads suggestive of sex between adults pretends not to be encouraging sex between adults. The goal of that kind of advertising is to lead people to believe that buying the advertised product will lead to being attractive and will lead to having sex with other attractive people. Those ads don’t usually look exactly like pornography. However, even though very few ads suggestive of sex between mutually consenting adults also show pictures of oral or genital penetration by genitals doesn’t mean that consummation of sexual activity between adults isn’t the implied goal; everybody understands that consummation is the goal. Those ads are created so that even people who can’t read will understand not only that consummation is the goal, but that the people selling the product are saying that they want to help the people who buy the product to reach that goal.

I hope that denial is what is driving the fad for endorsing pedophilia that has developed among some celebrities and other famous people. I don’t want to believe that these people really want pedophilia to become socially acceptable and legalized. I want to believe that these celebrities and other famous people who are doing the same kinds of things think that I’m overreacting, and that their behavior is a harmless joke. Millions of people look up to and care about them; it’s not a harmless joke, and everyone who’s been watching the situation ought to realize by now that it’s not harmless.

Even if the famous people who are part of the fad are in denial about what they’re doing, it’s very disturbing to consider the possibility that they think that what they’re doing isn’t destructive. They are happy to take credit for all kinds of other trends copied by millions of people around the world; how can they continue to be in denial about what any trend that they endorse will do?

I think that probably more of their audience is horrified than not, using the word “audience” as defined by all of the people who are aware of what’s going on. However, as I’ve said, if even one child has been molested as a result of what’s happened, that’s one child too many, and I think there’s a lot of reason to believe that many more than one child have been molested as a result of what’s happened.

I did a preliminary Google search to find out what percentage of the population are pedophiles. I suspect that the first few search results, which indicated that 4% of the population are pedophiles, might be where they are in priority on Google’s list of search results because of the overall situation, but let’s take that statistic for the time being.

The population listed for Vermont on a Google search is 621,760. 4% of that number is 24,870.
I am correct in saying that there are people in states other than Vermont, and in other countries also, who are watching what’s going on, aren’t I?

Considering that child molestation was already a serious problem for which people were going to jail before this past year, how much encouragement does anybody think that the thousands of people who never molested anyone but who always wanted to do so need to follow through on what they already wanted to do and haven’t done up until now for fear of being jailed and ostracized for life? What about all of the people who were already molesting children; don’t you think that their behavior and child abuse of all kinds have most likely gotten worse? What about all of the people who are convicted offenders, whether in jail or having already completed their sentences; don’t you think that they’re probably saying “Why am I in jail and/or why do I have a criminal record for something that the government, media, corporations, and a lot of famous and adored people are saying is a good thing to do? Why am I a criminal for having done something that the White House and the state government of Vermont have used the military, the police, and public school sysems not only to impose on people but also to threaten people who oppose it?

I am not foolish enough to believe that the President or anybody in government, or anybody in the media, or anybody in any corporation, who have been endorsing pedophilia and threatening people who oppose it are in denial about the effects of their behavior or that they believe that the pedophilic symbolism and imagery are part of a harmless joke. I think that those people know exactly what they’re doing, and, as far as the Obamas are concerned, it seems to me that they don’t care about what happens to other people’s children.

It is also impossible for me to believe that all of the celebrities who are part of it are in denial about its effects; 4% of any population means 4% of any population, including a celebrity population.

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July 5, 2011

Here’s the code in this section, unless otherwise noted: Your Name Is.

As usual, when I look at one of your blogs for as much as a minute, I get angry and want to say more of the kinds of rude things I’ve already said. For a few days, I’ve been thinking that I have been rude and harsh in many of the things I’ve said. I still don’t think that what I say is as bad, ever, as the ways in which you express yourself that I’ve said I don’t like. However, I should try to be less rude to people, even when I really don’t like their behavior.

I hereby politely reject you again, and politely reiterate the other things I said about everything that you have done that I don’t like.

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–The Village Trustafarian

The Village Trustafarian and I had completely worked out our problems and were living totally separate lives, in peace, before I got famous. He never had to show up with my old letters and identify himself as someone whom I had written about online without using any names. For me to have written, without using any names, about someone who had sex with me on a night when I had said before we even got to my apartment and throughout the night that I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX, and for him to identify himself to the media and others as having been that person in an effort to defend himself; what does that say about what really happened? I had even said to him once, in the middle of that night “If you can’t take “no” for an answer, then you’re going to have to leave.” I never said “Yes.” I never said “Let’s have sex.” I told him “No” over and over again. I didn’t make him leave, and for most of the night, he seemed to understand; what that meant, to me, was that he also should have understood that I trusted him not to say or do things to make me feel as if I couldn’t say “no” even if he asked me.

He finally had sex with me in a moment when I felt that to say “No” to him left me completely vulnerable to being hurt by him forcing me. I never said “Yes,” all I did was stop saying “no” at a time when I thought it was very unlikely that anyone would believe me if I said “No,” was forced by him, and then tried to tell anyone that I was raped. I hadn’t known him for very long and I didn’t know what he would do if I said “no” again; I didn’t want him to hurt me worse than having sex with me when I didn’t want to and wasn’t ready but wasn’t physically trying to resist would do, and I didn’t want him to get me pregnant or give me a disease, so I finally handed him a condom and let him have sex with me.

My therapist at the time didn’t listen to me when I tried to tell her what had happened, like a lot of people don’t listen to people who have psychiatric histories. Even the Trustafarian knew that he had done something wrong; he told me so a few days later and that’s why I didn’t completely hate him, but it didn’t make the second time with him any better than the first, and there wouldn’t have been a second time at all if my therapist hadn’t pressured me into it.

Any time I have ever written or talked about that first time with him, I have NEVER said anything like “He threw me down and raped me; I know he wanted to hurt me.” I have ALWAYS said “He was manipulative and he made a mistake.”

The way I’ve written about my letters to him that I wrote later is this; when you have had a really terrible life in a lot of ways, and when you are desperate to have something in your life that feels like a real, adult experience, and when you have a therapist who tells you that everything you think and do is wrong so that you are always making bad decisions when you could make good ones and then she tells you to “look for the positive” in the resulting bad situations, you will do things such as search societal stereotypes to find something good about the bad things that happen to you. You will try to make yourself believe that the bad things that have happened to you aren’t as bad as you know they were.

For anyone to mock me for having a psychiatric history, and then also degrade me and call me a horrible person and a golddigger at the same time because I had a lot of problems in a bad situation; how is that fair? My way of coping with a lot of things that didn’t work out or that were painful or confusing was to write letters; it wasn’t a great coping skill, but there are worse things that people do.

What about the time when his girlfriend, who later became his wife and whom he wasn’t dating when I met him and we had our short, ill-fated experience, showed up at my job looking for a fight? I just went in the back and let someone else wait on her; I hadn’t talked to him at all or tried to contact him at all since he’d been absolutely, definitely clear that he didn’t want me to. I’m telling you that the guy put an “I Spy” about me in that section of Seven Days newspaper telling me how beautiful I was after we accidentally saw each other in a parking lot when I was out running. That happened after all of my letters, after he’d told everyone he knew that I was obsessed with him, after the main drama of everything I’d done that was weird was over. I didn’t think he was still interested in me when I saw his I Spy, but I thought that at least we could be on ok terms.

The only other times I ever contacted him were to let him know that I was being stalked by someone else. I did that once to see where he was at as far as what he might say about me if I had to go to court with the person who was stalking me. I didn’t have his phone number anymore, I’d gotten rid of it so that I wouldn’t call or text him, so I went to his job once after I’d been getting stalked for a while so I could talk to him about that. He didn’t see me, and I didn’t go back. We did have a one-letter-each exchange sometime during the time when I was getting stalked when I said “I’m sorry about my contribution to the screwed-up things that happened,” and he wrote back saying “Don’t worry about it.” Then a long time after that, when the stalking of me by another guy had moved online and my identity theft issues had started, I e-mailed him to let him know that I hadn’t created the hundreds of sexualized and threatening blog posts that had my name mixed up in them with nonsense language. Then I told him “Have a great wedding; don’t worry about me trying to interrupt it or do anything crazy.” I did write something dumb to him when I saw in the paper that they were engaged; I didn’t know anything about the wedding process and I thought that maybe they hadn’t put an engagement picture in because they were scared I’d see it, so I tried to encourage him not to worry about that. I didn’t know that people usually only use pictures for their wedding announcements in the paper; I explained that, too, and then I LEFT THEM COMPLETELY ALONE, WHICH THEY APPARENTLY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING FOR ME.

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July 6, 2011

A young woman moved into the shelter a few days ago and immediately started in with harassing behavior. I have something to say to her:

Yes, I have noticed your obnoxious behavior; I have many, more important things to do than to document every nuance of it.

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July 7, 2011

Here’s a message that I bet will be received by the person for whom it’s intended without my using code.

I had noticed, when I quickly transferred my photos to Flickr, that your picture didn’t look exactly the way it had on my Friendster profile. I had been thinking about going back and looking at it again to edit it; now I see that you’ve gone on the attack and have been doing all the same inappropriate things as the rest of them.

I don’t know where you all get it from; you could have just said “What’s the picture about?” or asked some kind of question, instead of assuming that I had bad intentions.

I think it was a postcard/ad/subscription offer that had your picture on it, but it was still in that issue of that magazine, and you know that you bullied me as much as anyone else did. You’re proving that now.

I’m also curious as to whether you have any sense of social responsibility at all. You’d be neither famous, nor rich, nor would you have spent decades being respected worldwide without the millions of people who have been going to the movies for all that time; that’s true of you and every other star who abuses those people, their children and grandchildren with your behavior.

Another irony of the situation as it has been in its entirety since last year is this; the way you choose to express yourselves….you’re supposed to be important and skillful communicators, aren’t you? You’re supposed to be great at that; you never think that what you’ve all done is just the tiniest bit undignified, clumsy, disgusting and silly in addition to being destructive? You’re never embarrassed by those blogs that you create as your self-presentation to the world? You and the other adults, which you all are, for the most part….. you’re never embarrassed?

July 8, 2011

Maybe in contrast to 60 years ago, when people, especially women, weren’t supposed to talk about sex at all, calling women “fish” all day long feels liberated and empowering to you. However, you got your start in your career at a time when women were starting to gain more social power, and it seems to me that you, like a lot of stars, were insulated from the rest of society by your success. That means that even when you’re around some portion of the rest of society, most likely people who are there to do your bidding in some way, they don’t treat you the way they treat other people or the way that they themselves are treated most of the time.

It’s sexual harassment for women to get called those kinds of names all day; it is not liberating, it’s hobbling. You don’t know anything about that because you’ve been able to do whatever you want since you were a young woman. Who’s going to call you “fish” when you tell them not to? Almost all of the women and girls who are going to be most affected by this situation, in the general public, can’t get the comments to stop happening when they want them to, assuming that there was even one second that they didn’t mind in the first place. Also, if it balloons, with your help, you might find people calling you names when you don’t expect it and then you might find that you can’t get them to stop. You’ll want to move on to the next topic, and they won’t, and you won’t be able to do anything about it.

I’m curious as to why you and other actresses who complain about lack of good scripts, and especially about lack of good roles for women, don’t make the connection between the film industry’s balking at recognizing women as human beings equal to men and the consistent lack of interesting things for you to read, watch and do.

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July 8, 2011

Here’s some code for the name: Ms. Penance.

The outfit that I made with that cute necklace last fall was meant to be wry; it was meant to be modern and not overly serious. What I said to your reaction reflected my dislike of how you responded to my attempt to be funny and nice.

Public people usually have too much to do to handle it all on their own. There’s nothing wrong with having staff to help. You’re going to run yourself ragged if you try to do everything by yourself; I don’t want to be responsible for that.

I’m not saying this because I want to be your friend; I really dislike a lot of the things that you do. I never meant to tell you how to organize the rest of your life, that’s all. I’d be happy for you to be surrounded by ladies-in-waiting all the time if your purpose and politics were benevolent.

I wrote all of the above to publish here, to you, after glancing at the front page of some newspapers today. Then I looked at some of your Google search results. However you want to live your life is up to you; if I contributed to you enjoying living your approximation of a normal life, it seems as if that’s not a bad thing, and, of course, the newspaper that said you had nothing but a hairstylist was probably exaggerating, correct?

Everything else I said about your behavior remains the same.

@6:42 p.m.

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July 8, 2011

It’s not as if I’m going to turn a blind eye to the activities of people who are involved in terrible things. It’s not as if later everything will be ok between me and the people who are perpetuating those things. I will try to avoid those people; I will try not to get to know them and not to work with them.

As I’ve said since the beginning of the harassment, to make one joke every once in a while, among friends or in a situation where you are unlikely to offend anyone, where everyone knows that you don’t really mean it; most people can do that about almost any topic. That’s not what has happened over the past year and a half. What has happened over the past year is systematic degradation, complete with the dehumanization tactic of constant ridicule. That’s why the disgusting jokes make me angry instead of embarrassed. Nobody has succeeded in making me feel humiliated; I still have to hold back my own contempt for how they express themselves more than I have to hold back any tears about what they say. Nobody’s made me cry with anything that he or she has said yet; I think that all of the harassment is pathetic. My anger about it often has a lot to do with how dangerous the results of the harassment are, and the fact that it keeps me from living a normal life, but essentially I think it’s pathetic.

To say that I don’t always handle situations perfectly is fine, although I have to ask what people expect of me after what they’ve put me through. People’s problems tend to get worse under a lot of stress, not better. One of my problems at times has been to be indecisive; I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, and I’ve always made up for everything I ever did.

To attack me for not having meant to attract the serious attention of men who all had girlfriends and not attack them the same way unless they have shown signs of being nice to women, and to express whatever you happen to be feeling at any given time with references to genitals; all of that is bad.

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July 8, 2011

I’ve already said “no” to the baseball star. No.

I don’t think I need to copyright that. Stop trying, please.

@6:58 p.m.

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July 8, 2011

Code is: Your Name Is

I appreciate your efforts to be less disgusting. I hope that those efforts contribute to you having a more enlightened life than you have apparently led up until now.

In case you’re wondering, I haven’t changed my mind.

@8:27 p.m. (I’m not going to write a similar message for “27”; I’m sure he can get it from inference. I’m only writing this message for a safety measure, which I’m also not going to keep doing every time the time looks like code. I’ve been through this already. Say what you want, bunch of hyenas; I don’t care, I have more worthwhile things to do.)

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July 8, 2011

I have something to say about the Village Trustafarian (code).

I never talked to him about what happened, not specifically. I never told anyone in Vermont who knew him or was likely to meet him that I had ever had anything to do with him.

Years after he and I had ended everything on peaceful terms, I wrote online about some of the experience, without using any names. Then he went to the media and others and said “She’s talking about me, and I didn’t do it.”

Who’s telling the most accurate version of events, do you think?

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July 9, 2011

Probably contempt is the wrong reaction to have to others’ behavior; it’s my real reaction but it’s probably not the most mature reaction I could have and it’s not a productive way to get through life.

Why don’t I ask questions instead?

Why don’t the people who perpetuate the issues feel degraded and defiled by perpetuating those issues, rather than expecting me to feel that way because of what they do? Why are they trying to degrade anyone to that extent, or to participate in other harmful and unnecessary things in the first place? Why don’t they realize that their behavior is an exhibition of their low standards, ignorance and poverty of self-expression rather than something which provides any kind of meaningful definition for me or for anyone else’s life?

As far as what’s directed at me personally, I get angry because the situation makes it difficult for me to live a normal life. It’s very time-consuming to deal with harassment on a daily basis. I’m not getting in the way of the people who are perpetuating these issues leading normal lives, and neither is anyone else whom they harm with their behavior; why, then, do they persist?

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July 10, 2011

I didn’t put “No Code” on anything I wrote last night because I spent all last week dealing with a “No Code” issue and I’m not going to do that again.

Was it last week that I did that, or was it the week before? It’s so tedious and I have so much to deal with all the time that is so much more important that I can’t quite remember without looking it up, and I don’t have time to look it up.

I also wonder why anyone thinks that I should excessively concern myself with the feelings of people who continue, around the clock, to put me through what these people have put me through. That and the other really sleazy and destructive things they do; why should I be concerned about making sure that every tendril of emotion that they could possibly have is smoothed out all the time?

I’m also curious about something; is there someone, anywhere in the world, who believes that if I ever met any of these people in person, and if I slept with literally everybody in Hollywood, that would be more immoral than their endorsement of things such as worldwide pedophilia?

It seems as if there are people who take moments when I don’t write “No Code” after numbers that have at times been used by a lot more people than I as code for men who have at least one girlfriend apiece, to justify their own genuinely evil behavior. It seems as if that attitude is: “Look, Lena didn’t write “No Code”; that means that she’s a slut. It also means that all women deserve to be turned into second class citizens, that the prisoners in Iran deserve to die or to continue to be imprisoned and tortured, and that all children in the world deserve to be raped.”

I’ve taken responsibility for my code inconsistency of a few months ago, and I’ve since also gone through an entire cycle of spending almost all of my limited time on the Internet dealing with a misunderstanding that happened because I stopped writing “No Code” after I’d said, for weeks, “I’m not going to keep writing “No Code” all the time.”

I am not going to take being abused for it, not in any way.

The other issues are really important; they are MUCH more important than whom I date, don’t date, and so on. Also, when I participate in code, I do it to respect people’s privacy; as everyone already knows, I don’t have ANY privacy at all. Why should anyone feel sorry for these rich people who abuse me all the time, while they purposely hit on a million other people and don’t get called anything like the names that I get called at times when I’ve had real confusion and trouble trying to figure out what to do, or am trying to move on with my life?

What does anyone think that I ever did to them, or to anybody else, that deserves what they’ve done to me, and what they’re doing to millions of completely innocent people around the world?

Also; at no time over the past 2 years have I been in anything like an exclusive relationship with a significant other, and almost all of the men who have shown interest in me and then called me a slut no matter what I said back have been in those kinds of relationships while they hit on me and a lot of other people all the time. It’s not as if I’ve been sleeping around in Vermont or anywhere else, or been anywhere near to sleeping with anyone at all. That’s in addition to my difficulties in finding work, staying in programs that are supposed to help me find work, and everything else that’s happened.

My entire existence has been put on hold while these people screw up my life and then blame me not only for how terrible my life is, but because I don’t like them.

Copyright L. Kochman July 10, 2011 @ 10:09 p.m./ edited @ 10:14 p.m./addition @ 10:15 p.m./addition @10:19 p.m./addition and final edit @10:32 p.m. I’ve been on the Internet longer than I should have been, so if there are typos I can’t do anything about it now and probably won’t have time later.

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July 11, 2011

Here’s a message to the person who shouldn’t be proud of having the code name “11.”

Do you still think that there was a reason that I should have fallen in love with you? I realize that this message is probably going to make you laugh, because you and others like you have inflicted this on my life, and, far from seeming ashamed of any of it, you actually seem proud. I can only imagine, also, how pleased you are that people in Barre and Montpelier have been reporting that I look older than I did before, even though that was all I ever said about myself in the first place.

You know, I never asked you to become interested in me. I also never asked you to “rescue” me from all the bullies, and I never owed you any gratitude for you having “liked me anyway.”

I wonder how much longer my life is going to be like this. I’ve been wondering that, lately.

It’s still difficult for me not to say all the kinds of things that I was saying last year at this time, such as the less polite ways in which I expressed the feeling “I despise you.” Maybe because I’m so used to the things you do now, I don’t have any other expectation of how you’re going to behave anymore.

That’s true of a lot of famous people, for me; it took a long time for me to stop having the same feelings about them that most of the world has, of admiration and so on. That was part of my disappointment in their behavior in the first place, and now that I’m more familiar with what they’re like, it’s part of what allows me to stay somewhat calm when confronting them.

I wrote this message so as to avoid anyone having any confusion about what I wrote on Weebly today, in which I wrote that I was able to carry 11 Wet Floor signs from around the store to the customer service desk.

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July 11, 2011

The Village Trustafarian and his wife, and everyone else who has showed up to say ugly things about me; they’re such climbers. Especially those two; they have all the money in the world, and that’s not enough for them. I have worked so hard on all of these important issues, and for them to be treated like they’re nice people after their contribution to all of this is horrible.

Nobody ever would have heard of them if it weren’t for all of my accomplishments that they decided to try to mar with things that happened years ago.

I couldn’t have been more fair to them about what happened, and about their contribution to what’s happened. I couldn’t have tried harder to be fair about it.

I forgave him for what he did; he knew that he had done something wrong, and I forgave him. My having forgiven him doesn’t mean that things didn’t happen the way I said they did.

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July 11, 2011

I don’t need or want a lot of money; I’d be happy just to have a job that allowed me to cover my living expenses in my own place, and not to be getting harassed at work.

It’s SICKENING that people who have more than anyone could possibly need want to make that modest goal something that’s nearly impossible for me to achieve.

@ 7:28 p.m.

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July 11, 2011

How about you, “100%”? (code). Should I have fallen in love with you, do you think? Do you really think that you ever gave me any reason to do that, even if you hadn’t already had a girlfriend?

I said a few nice things about you, remember? But I was always very clear that I wasn’t interested in taking you away from your girlfriend, and it’s not my fault that you were so horrible about that.

And now….should I love you now? Would you love someone who had done to you what you’ve done to me?

All I ever did was tell you “no” when you wanted to hear something else. Do you ever think about it that way? Does it ever occur to you that I DIDN’T ever lead you on, that I only ever said the few nice things at the beginning, and that I gave your girlfriend some compliments also, which weren’t about how pretty she is but about the fact that I liked her acting? And I said that about you, too, I said that you were smart. You did seem that way.

What you thought you wanted and what you didn’t get; how is any of that my fault? How does it justify anything that’s happened?

I don’t even know what the people who try to give me a rough time think happened. Whatever it is, they obviously think that I deserve what they do, and they think that I deserve what you do, and the other things that have happened to me, also.

And you think it’s ok to have sex with kids? You’re going to promote that, too? You and the other young actors whose audience is made up of young teenagers and kids? You’re going to encourage them to let adults have sex with them, to not see it as abuse, to not report it?

You don’t see how the other things that you did over the past year and a half built momentum? You think your contribution didn’t matter, that there were so many people doing it that how could it matter?

Is that what everyone who’s part of it thinks, “There are so many people doing it that how could my contribution to it matter?”

Copyright L. Kochman July 11, 2011 @ 8:33 p.m. (I dare anyone to call the time code. Go on; do that. Waste your time, and my time, and everybody else’s time on it.)/edit @ 8:38 p.m. (Same dare; do that. People don’t realize how much self-control I exert not to just be cruel to these people who have done such awful things. It’s not as if I can’t shut off all of my feelings of decency and kindness and just say things that I think will hurt and embarrass people. I can be very “precise” that way.)

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July 12, 2011

THE “NO CODE” CLARIFICATIONS THAT I WROTE LAST NIGHT WERE IMPROMPTU AND WRITTEN OUT OF ANGER. I ALSO WROTE THEM TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN VINDICTIVE TOWARD ME WHEN THEY HAVE FELT REJECTED BY ME.

I DON’T WANT TO SPEND ANY MORE TIME ON THAT TYPE OF CLARIFICATION. IF I PUT “CODE” AFTER SOMETHING THAT I’VE ORIGINALLY WRITTEN, OR IF I OTHERWISE INDICATE THE PRESENCE OF CODE BY STATING THAT I’M USING CODE AND THEN SAYING WHAT THE CODE IS, THEN THERE’S CODE THERE. IF I DON’T DO THAT, THEN THERE ISN’T CODE THERE.

AS FAR AS MY DESCRIPTIONS OF THINGS THAT I’VE SEEN OTHER PEOPLE SAY AND DO, MY THOUGHT IS THAT ALL I’M DOING IS REPORTING WHAT I SAW. IF I FEEL THAT I NEED TO OFFER ANALYSIS, I WILL, ALTHOUGH I OFTEN FEEL AS THOUGH I DON’T NEED TO DO THAT. I ALSO ALWAYS FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE MORE TO DO THAN I CAN KEEP UP WITH, GIVEN MY LIMITED TIME ON THE INTERNET.

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July 12, 2011

I’m not going to use code for this; I know that the person to whom I’m addressing this section will know to whom I’m speaking.

Today, for the first time, I looked at your picture from my Flickr website, and I understand why you have been upset. I’m sure that last fall, which is when that picture was taken, you had no idea what Goldman Sachs was doing, or what that company was perhaps planning to do, then. I only became aware of that company’s intentions after I’d gotten out of the hospital a few months ago.

I would like to remove that picture from that website; that was my first feeling as soon as I looked at it tonight. However, I’m feeling that you’re not terribly interested in being especially understanding of me at the moment.

I wonder if we might reach some sort of disarmament agreement about it. Right now, I need to leave the Internet because I’ve used up my time here. Hopefully I’ll have time to get to back to the Internet tomorrow, although I don’t know if that will be during the day and at night, or at night only, if at all.

I am sorry about what that picture must have seemed to be implying about you since I put it in a venue where it’s more obvious than it was for months on Friendster. I also wish that you’d chosen a different way to express your unhappiness over it.

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July 12, 2011

Tonight is the first time that I’ve looked at the Flickr website I created at Friendster’s request a few weeks ago. One thing I did notice is that the website seems to list the date taken for every photo as if it were taken the day it was uploaded to Flickr. That’s not accurate; there’s not one picture there that I took in 2011.

It’s going to be a while before I can organize anything in that website, aside from what I’ve mentioned in the previous section, if that situation resolves.

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July 14, 2011

Today, I walked by the small shopping center that has Kinney Drugs in it. The sign on the front lawn says:

“Skim, 1.2 %

1 Gallon Milk

$2.97”

I had noticed the sign before; for a while, it said:

“Skim, 1.2%

1 Gallon Milk

$2.77”

I’ve said before that I think that harassing men is as bad as harassing women. I hadn’t had time or energy to get to reporting that sign.

I’m also wondering what I have to do to put an end to the idea that I have any interest in dating “12” (code). To be honest, it seems to me that the answer to that is likely to be very unreasonable, so I’ll repeat it in a way that I hope works:

I am really, REALLY not interested.

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July 14, 2011

What I’ve noticed about attitudes toward people who have psychiatric histories is that people blame you for whatever they feel like blaming you for. If they feel like portraying everything that you’ve ever done that wasn’t good as being your fault, they do. If they feel like portraying good things that you’ve done as being less important than objectively comparable things done by people who don’t have psychiatric histories, they do that. If they feel like attacking you in one way or another because they’ve decided that “Your problems have used up all of my patience. I’ve been nicer to you than most people would be and now I’m tired of going out of my way to be nice to you,” then they do that.

When people decide that they’ve been nicer to the stigmatized than they think that the stigmatized deserve, it doesn’t seem to occur to them that the stigmatized spend most of their time being attacked and/or condescended to, and that dealing with that requires that the stigmatized constantly give out much more patience and understanding than they themselves ever get from anyone.

What’s more, the stigmatized are always expected to be nice to everyone, even while the stigmatized are being abused. For the stigmatized, developing maturity and perspective is a matter of survival, while for the unstigmatized developing such things is usually optional.

If there are things that I did in the past that were the result of mental illness, then I’m not sure why anyone is passing around the evidence of my having had mental or emotional disturbances, and I really don’t understand why anyone is laughing at me or attacking me for it. If things that I did in the past weren’t a result of mental illness, then I would still say that I’ve taken as much responsibility for them as anyone in my situation could have by now.

As for all of the people who have shown up with my old letters and/or their sides only of stories to tell about me; there’s not one person in that group of people whose reputation I sought to damage, and I’m not sure why they decided to try to damage my reputation. They were the ones who talked about me to other people; they were the ones who used real names first or who committed crimes against me and then lied about it to the police, and they only gave their versions of what happened.

I’ve defended myself, that’s all, and that wouldn’t have been necessary for me to do if the people against whom I’ve defended myself had been fair about what they did and what they had to say.

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July 14, 2011

There’s a store called Big Lots on way to Montpelier. I stopped in there today, used the restroom, bought some dental floss, and took some notes of what I saw around the store.

–There’s a Wet Floor sign serving no purpose by sitting next to the water fountain, near the restrooms.

–Today, after I’d been in the restroom for a few minutes and was almost ready to leave it, I heard loud sneezing that sounded as if it were coming from the vents in the restroom. It’s not the first time that I’ve heard loud, fake-sounding coughing or sneezing coming from somewhere near or in that restroom when there was nobody else in it but me.

I’m wondering if there are employees who watch me through the vents while I’m in the restroom.

–The dental floss I chose had the best name I could find; GUM. The other two had names that seemed harassing, although one of them might have had the same name before the harassment started. The other dental floss that I didn’t buy said something such as “Complete Clean; Twisted Floss that grabs plaque.”

–Something happened at the register with a customer who was a few people in line in front of me, so everyone was waiting for a long time. I started looking around me, and I noticed some things about the candy counter in front of the register.

There was something called a “Sweet Soaker,” which seemed to be a combination candy dispenser and water gun.

Then I saw something that said “MATER TEETH.”

I picked up one of the packages and looked at it for a few minutes, until it was my turn in line. Here are the notes I took about that:

“MATER TEETH

Net wt. .8 oz (23g)

For Ages 4 and up

Disney Pixar

Cars

TOON

Green=artificially flavored green apple

Blue= artificially flavored Blue Raspberry

Pink= artificially flavored Watermelon”

In the package, it says:

“Collect them all.”

Three names for them:

Pink: HEAVY METAL MATER

Blue: MATER THE GREATER

Green: MONSTER TRUCK MATER, with “Tormentor” written on the side of the toy

“Flix candy” written on the inside of the package.

July 14, 2011

The “MATER TEETH” was candy for kids and part of the marketing for the Pixar movie Cars.

The first thing visible at the front entrance was a sign that said

“Teacher Appreciation Day

Saturday August 13

Teachers receive 10% off”

That was above a sign that said:

“Zero Interest

Months

Low Monthly Payments”

The “6” was the biggest print on the sign.

(I don’t mean to be rude, and I don’t mean to use code. I’ve said at other times that I am not using code when I point out code used by other people. It’s not often that a phrase on a sign meant to be harassing, jeering and degrading has had the opposite effect of mirroring my exact feelings about the person whom the code is intended to represent, but that happened today. I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t think that not saying it would result in my getting mercilessly attacked.)

Both signs were on the side of a display for “Rug Doctor Carpet Cleaner” supplies.

July 14, 2011

I don’t write about these things to be vindictive. I write about them because they’re important; they’re important for people besides me, like kids who are going to be molested.

As far as I personally am concerned:

I get harassed a lot, and it’s not fair. I’ve had trouble finding a job, and that’s not fair, either. I’ve been living in a homeless shelter for a lot longer than I should have been or would have been if I hadn’t been getting harassed, and that’s not fair, either.

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July 14, 2011

The computer that I was using earlier today shuts itself off at 4:15 p.m.. I made a correction at 4:14 p.m. and hoped it would go through before the computer shut down, which it did but not by much. It took the whole minute during which I would otherwise have written “/edit @4:14 p.m.” I knew it would take that minute, and so I had to choose between making the correction without recording the time at the end or not making the correction.

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July 14, 2011

When I wrote earlier today that I probably wouldn’t have expressed my personal reaction to the sign that said “ZERO INTEREST 6 MONTHS” if I didn’t think that saying nothing about my reaction would have resulted in my being mercilessly attacked, I meant that I don’t need malicious people interpreting my reporting and protesting of problems as being about envy, romantic interest, or anything other than my concern about the problems.

That would have happened if I hadn’t said what I said today.

What I said was my true reaction.

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July 14, 2011

I looked at my e-mail earlier today and saw that someone had sent a comment to this blog. I’m going to try to post it so that people can read it. I wish that the police would keep an eye on the shelter, especially at night.

The comment is from someone who calls him or herself “CRAZY HUNTER” and says that his or her e-mail is “URCRAZY@CRAZYPEOPLE.COM”. The comment is “U CRAZY HO”.

Here’s the information about the sender that showed up in my e-mail about the comment:

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Author : CRAZY HUNTER (IP: 99.235.30.185 , CPE00222d164e96-CM00222d164e92.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com)
E-mail : URCRAZY@CRAZYPEOPLE.COM
URL :
Whois : http://whois.arin.net/rest/ip/99.235.30.185
Comment:
U CRAZY HO

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July 14, 2011

I’ve never posted a comment from anyone before, and I don’t know why it isn’t showing up on my blog that I can see. I did get the comment notice, I did follow the blog’s instructions for posting it, but I can’t work on it anymore now because I was supposed to be out of the common areas almost an hour ago.

I wish that the police would take my word for it that somebody sent me that comment and keep an eye on the shelter.

Tomorrow, if I can work more on making the comment visible, I will.

Obviously, everyone who hacks all of my accounts can see that I did get that comment.

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July 15, 2011

This is one of those times when I’m not sure that I should make the joke that I’m about to make:

Look at that lazy stalker who sent a comment to my blog. At least all of the other people who have stalked me since I got out of the hospital have gotten in their cars and gone out looking for me.

I’ve heard it said that America’s work ethic is disintegrating, and when I see a comment like that one, I have to wonder if it’s true.

There’s my joke about that comment. I would still appreciate it if the police would keep an eye on the shelter and maybe do some drive-bys at night to make sure that things look ok. There are some people sleeping in the common areas, which means that they’re closer to the doors on the first floor; there’s a side door and a front door.

The windows of the women’s dorm on the first floor open out directly onto the front and side porch. The bunk beds are right next to the windows; you could stand on the porch, put your arm through the open window not even up to your elbow, and touch someone who is sleeping on the bottom bunk. It’s impossible to keep those windows closed and not die of heat in the summer, so it’s not fair to the people who sleep in that dorm for there to be any kind of threat that might necessitate them keeping the windows closed.

When I say “die of heat,” I only partially mean that as a figure of speech. People who stay in shelters often have health problems, and you can’t always know who it is who has those problems or how something like excess heat or not being able to get enough sleep on a regular basis because of the heat would affect someone.

There was a male resident of the shelter who died in his sleep a few weeks ago. I didn’t know he was sick or unhealthy, and, although he wasn’t young, he didn’t seem decrepit. He was found dead in his bunk in the morning.

The word “dorm” doesn’t give an idea of the size of the women’s dorm on the first floor. It’s not a big room; there are three bunk beds against three walls, and you could stand in the middle of the room, turn in a circle with your arms out and touch all of the bunk beds while turning in the circle without moving your feet except to turn around. The beds can’t be moved away from the windows to be put somewhere else in the room and there’s no air-conditioning in the shelter at all.

There’s also a fire escape in the back, which is a nice staircase that goes from the 2^nd floor into the backyard. It’s really just a staircase, but residents aren’t supposed to exit from it; a fire alarm goes off if they do. I think that the door at the top of the staircase is locked to the outside at all times; you can leave from it, which sets off the fire alarm, but you can’t get into the house through it.

However, because there are also windows on the second floor, the staircase does provide more access to the house from the outside.

I would feel better if the police would drive by the shelter a few times at night and get out at least once and peer around back to try to make sure that nobody’s around the house or looking for a way to get in.

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July 15, 2011

I still don’t know why the comment isn’t appearing at the end of my blog. I looked at another WordPress blog, and the comments for that blog are at the end of what the blog’s author wrote.

I’m going to take what the comment looks like in my blog from my account, where I sign in, and put it here so that people know I got the comment:

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ireallyprotest

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Author	Comment	In Response To
CRAZY HUNTER URCRAZY@CRAZYPEOPLE.COM 99.235.30.185	Submitted on 2011/07/08 at 10:44 pmU CRAZY HOU CRAZY HOURCRAZY@CRAZYPEOPLE.COMCRAZY HUNTER1Approve Unapprove \| Reply \| Quick Edit \| Edit \| History \| Spam \| Trash	About 1 #

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July 15, 2011

Here, also, is the notification that WordPress sent to my e-mail about the comment:

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A new comment on the post “About” is waiting for your approval
https://ireallyprotest.wordpress.com/about/

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July 15, 2011

It looks as if I left an extra blog page here when I created this blog a few weeks ago; it’s the sample blog page that WordPress shows to new users.

It probably originally said something such as “About WordPress,” and now it just says “About.” It’s at the top of my usual blog page.

That’s where the stalker sent the comment, and that’s where the comment shows up.

It looks as if it was sent to me on July 8, 2011. I hadn’t anticipated getting that kind of comment, and have never allowed comments before, anyway, so going through them is something I’ve never done before.

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July 16, 2011

I think I owe this message to the person I’m going to say it to: the code is “The Secret.”

I’m miserable. I want you to know that; trying to figure out how to handle all of the issues ethically and to be fair to the people whose lives I may have influenced is really difficult. Add that to the fact that there’s been way too much going on for the past few months, during which I had less Internet access all the time, and the result has been a build-up of things that I couldn’t get to, misunderstandings, and me being ever more stressed out about it.

I meant the things I said about you seeming like a cool person aside from the other issues that you’ve been endorsing; those issues are really bad and should not have been getting endorsed by people who are older than both of us are, who have a lot of education and who have massive amounts of responsibility and power which they have been abusing beyond all reason.

At this time, I do think that you and everyone else ought to be understanding those issues and not promoting them.

I would appreciate it if nobody would expend energy trying to make something more out of this message than I mean by it; please don’t.

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July 16, 2011

The code in this section is “17,” used where the real name would otherwise be used.

17, I can’t imagine anything ever working out between you and me.

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July 16, 2011:

I first put what is in this section on its own page on my Weebly blog this morning. I’ve now transferred it here and deleted that page from Weebly.

@ 12:44 p.m.

July 16, 2011

Since at least a few days ago, the Ford dealer has had large pictures of a couple of cars and a football helmet on the back wall of its building. The pictures are visible from the road through the glass front of the business, even though it’s set back several hundred feet from the road.

Each car has a number on it; one says “99” and the other says “6.” The football helmet has a New England Patriots logo on it.

I just looked at the New England Patriots website; one of its sponsors is Dunkin’ Donuts.

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July 16, 2011

The code here is “Your Name Is.”

Your Name Is, I haven’t looked at much of your blogposts now, as I’ve transferred what I wrote on Weebly to WordPress. Please do understand that I wasn’t making anything up about how your involvement in the issues has been affecting those issues.

I’m not any more interested in you than I was this morning, last week, or the last time I rejected you. However, I felt that what I wrote this morning that implicated you was too close to the essay I wrote the other night to leave it there for posterity. Compared to other people, I haven’t interacted with you as much or for as long, and sometimes you seem to be at least slightly susceptible to being influenced by rational arguments.

The scenario I imagine will occur as soon as I publish this is that the big harassers will immediately start exerting pressure on you to cease being even mildly influenced by rational arguments. I hope that you can withstand that pressure, for the sake of all the people whom you will never meet and whom you will substantially contribute to hurting if you don’t withstand that pressure.

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July 17, 2011

–There’s a box of Mini Wheats on the top shelf in the cabinet in the common area where supplies such as soap and shampoo for the residents are kept. That cabinet has other supplies too; conditioner, and other kinds of things that people might need.

I’ve been told before by the assistant director that neither he nor anyone else who runs the shelter has any control over what kinds of things end up here for the residents to use. He says that they’re all donations. I think that’s probably not true; I think that someone who works at the shelter has been buying things specifically to try to upset me and to be abusive.

Today, the only kind of shampoo that there seemed to be in the box with that kind of supply in it said “Disney Cruises” on it. Ever since I’ve been here anyway, I’ve had to spend several times as long as I ordinarily would to get shampoo, soap and so on, because I have to pick through the box or the containers in the bathrooms to find bottles and packages that don’t either have water and sea references or the word “fresh” on them, or soap that doesn’t say “Cleanse,” “Clean Your Body” and ON AND ON AND ON FOR MONTHS, EVERY DAY.

The pens and pencils on the manager’s desk in the office are now held in a cup that has a duck on it.

There hasn’t been one minute since I moved into the shelter that I wasn’t being harassed by someone, about to be harassed by someone, or hadn’t just been harassed by someone. That’s after months of harassment and threats in the hospital, which was after everything that had already gone on in Burlington for more than a year, if you’re going to also count the harassment before it was sexual harassment, when it was things such as being taunted for being Jewish and inferences being made that I was crazy.

Being harassed at the shelter doesn’t make it easier for me to do the things that I need to do outside of the shelter, such as look for work and keep my temper when I’m being harassed every hour or all day.

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February 29, 2012

Here’s a note that I’m putting here about what I wrote on July 17, 2011 about the Masons.

For weeks, I’ve been meaning to get back to this blog (“Ireallyprotest”) so that I could fix my mistakes about how the organizations “Rainbow” and “Demolay” got started. Those organizations have been part of the Masons for a long time.

Once I got back here today and saw again that the event advertised by the Masons had been a “Lobster Feed,” I felt a lot less bad about having made the mistake.

Today is February 29, 2012. In the past several weeks, the number “7” has started to be used as code for support for child molestation. A few minutse ago, I looked at the first page of the Masonichip website; it says that it has “7 guests online”.

Copyright L. Kochman, February 29, 2012 @ 5:59 p.m.

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July 17, 2011

–A few days ago, I saw that the Masonic Temple has a huge banner on its front lawn that says:

“LOBSTER FEED

JULY 30

12:00 – 2:00 $12.95”

Today, I saw a poster elsewhere in town that says:

“VERMONT GRAND MASTER’S FAIR PRESENTS

1ST ANNUAL GRAND MASTER’S FAIR

SUNDAY, AUGUST 21ST 9 A.M. – 3 P.M. RAIN OR SHINE

ADDISON COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS

NEW HAVEN, VERMONT

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC FREE ADMISSION

SHRINER PARADE –CRAFTS SHOW—ROCK CLIMBING—CLOWNS–LIVE COUNTRY MUSIC—AMATEUR “HAM” RADIO—PONY RIDE—CHILD ID PROGRAM—FOOD–CAR SHOW—DUNK TANK—FACE PAINTING—DEMONSTRATIONS AND MORE

(Then, on the poster, there’s a picture of a pinwheel in rainbow colors. For people who have never seen a child’s pinwheel toy, it’s like a flower that turns around like a wheel. You blow on the wheel and that makes the flower spin around.

Next on the power, it says):

Meryl Streep movie wins borough OK

ShareShare
Print: Create a hardcopy of this page
Font Size:: Default font size; Larger font size

SUSANNAH H. SNOWDEN / SunPhotos

Cannon Square in Stonington Borough

Filming of “Great Hope Springs” set to begin Sept. 26 in the borough.

Posted: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 9:45 am | Updated: 10:31 am, Tue Jul 19, 2011.

Meryl Streep movie wins borough OK By MICHAEL SOUZA / Sun Staff Writer The Westerly Sun | 1 comment

Su	Mo	Tu	We	Th	Fr	Sa
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3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
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Special Sections

STONINGTON – Lights! Camera! Stonington!

On Monday, borough officials approved the application for “Great Hope Springs” to film at various locations in town. Speaking before the Board of Warden and Burgesses on Monday, location manager Ronnie Kupferwasser and assistant Dan Tresca of GHS Productions said filming is tentatively scheduled to begin Sept. 26 and end Oct. 11.

The two spent the day with First Warden Paul Burgess examining potential sites. Locations that have been scouted include the Town Dock, Water and Church streets, Noah’s Restaurant, the Inn at Mystic and Econo-Lodge. They have also met with Police Chief J. Darren Stewart and Captain Jerry Desmond to discuss logistics and temporary road closures. The production will bring a cast and crew of about 100 people into the area.”

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July 19, 2011

Today, she and a number of other celebrities have an ad at the top of their IMDb listings on Google searches of their names for the movie “Cars,” about which I just wrote the other day. There’s candy for children being sold as promotions for that movie; the candy that I saw and wrote about was called “MATER TEETH.”

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July 19, 2011

Here’s something that’s at the top of the page of the website for the Department of Education:

Tuesday, July 19

Rep. Miller and Musician Eleanor Friedberger join Arne for Let’s Read! Let’s Move! Part II

Tuesday, July 19

Sixth Grader Advocates for School Supplies – President Obama Responds

Monday, July 18

President Meets with CEOs on Ensuring a Competitive US Workforce

Friday, July 15

Duncan on Common Core Standards and the Next Generation of Assessments (video)

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July 19, 2011

Here’s what the page from the first link, entitled Rep. Miller and Musician Eleanor Friedberger join Arne for Let’s Read! Let’s Move! Part II, says:

“Rep. Miller and Musician Eleanor Friedberger join Arne for Let’s Read! Let’s Move! Part II

Posted on July 19, 2011 by Guest Blogger

What if the law said you could have ice cream every day before school starts? Would you vote for that law?

That’s the question Congressman George Miller (D-Calif.) posed to the young students gathered last week for ED’s second installment of its Let’s Read! Let’s Move! series. Miller joined Secretary Duncan and musician Eleanor Friedberger at ED headquarters in encouraging young children to become active readers and active in physical health.

During the Let’s Read! portion of the event, Congressman Miller read Henry Hikes to Fitchburg by D.B. Johnson, and Eleanor Friedberger read the Dr. Seuss classic Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Eleanor inspired the students to pursue their dreams just as she has done.

Taking questions from the children, Miller encouraged the children to keep reading, “When you know how to read,” he explained, “you can do anything you want to do in life. Secretary Duncan asked the children to “keep reading all summer, go to the library, and go to the bookstore.”

For the remainder of the event, the children participated in Let’s Move! obstacle courses and other physical activities to get their body in motion. For more information on the Let’s Read! Let’s Move! series and its sponsors, read our blog about this summer’s first Let’s Read! Let’s Move! event.”

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July 19, 2011

The actress who’s implicated in that blog post from the US Department of Education is completely guilty of supporting all of the evil issues. However, it’s interesting that the Department of Labor chose to try to implicate her very obviously; she’s known but not a major star. It’s a cynical and somewhat careful choice made by the government to start weaving celebrity support for child molestation into its websites in overt ways but using people who haven’t been as known as other celebrities have.

And very young celebrities, of course; the government is happy to use young celebrities, teen idols, at the start of their careers, as part of the impetus for the child molestation campaign. It’s an effective way to lure children and teenagers into it, and also, if public opinion gets raised against it and it all goes badly for the government, the government and the rest of the faction of various industries that have endorsed this issue can crumple those young stars up and throw them away.

July 19, 2011 @ 6:49 p.m.

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July 20, 2011

THE LOGIC OF BULLIES

Here are two ways in which the various bullies have tried to bully me, just over the past year and a half:

–Slurs about:

My teeth

My gums

My hair

My skin

My veins

My neck

Also: even though my vagina has never made any kind of public appearance, every possible slur has been made about it, and many slurs have been invented that had never existed before.

–Supposedly, in addition to being the ugliest, dirtiest, smelliest creature who ever lived, I am also an evil seductress who knows or who ought to know that all I have to do to induce any man of that pack of bullies to want to leave his wife is to mention his name.

Neither the individual nor the big harassers seem to see those two types of bullying as being incongruous with each other, even when both types of bullying are being used at once.

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July 20, 2011

The code name here is “17”:

I never meant to endorse your or anyone else’s promotion of any of the issues that I think are bad. I hoped that you would all stop.

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July 21, 2011

This message is for “15” (code), only where there would otherwise be a real name.

The message I had originally thought I was going to write was going to say something like such as “There are things that I need to put on Weebly today that are probably going to upset you, but I have to put them there.”

Now, I’m not sure that that’s the message that’s appropriate, given your blog posts at 10:53 a.m..

You are responsible for your own behavior. To say that you and others who are doing the things that you’re doing are young and naïve doesn’t then absolve you of responsibility. The example that you’re being given by others who are older and who are either shockingly ignorant or shockingly corrupt or some of both doesn’t absolve you, either. It’s unfortunate that they’ve set you that example, but consider people your age and younger who follow older criminals into committing serious and deliberate crimes. Does the fact that an older criminal introduced them to crime and showed them what to do mean that his or her proteges aren’t guilty of having committed the crimes?

You can learn a lesson from what you’re doing and go on and try to do better, if you choose to do so, but that’s not going to undo the damage that you’ve already done and are continuing to do.

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July 21, 2011

The Vermont State Hospital wasn’t a restful or therapeutic place, and, because of various problems getting housing, I was there for a third of a year. For the most part, I was able to get enough to eat for the first time in a few months since before I got there, despite a few days here and there when the dietician became especially vindictive and deliberately put food on my tray that, according even to hospital rules, she wasn’t supposed to put there after I’d requested that she not do it. Eventually, I was able to get enough sleep, after I’d figured out to wear the radio earphones and keep them turned off so that the fake, loud coughing and the door-slamming of some of the overnight staff didn’t keep me up at night.

There are also hospital rules that patients aren’t supposed to get harassed or abused; those are ignored all the time. As I’ve said, I’m by no means the only patient who’s ever been abused, lied to and lied about there. It’s more common than not for mental patients to be abused, lied to and lied about. The fact that abuse, lies and bullying have all been encouraged by the big harassers and those who are like them has probably made all situations in which people were already vulnerable to being abused much worse.

However, it was an extremely stressful experience, and it wasn’t as if that experience followed others that hadn’t been stressful or that hadn’t already lasted a long time.

The first few months out of the hospital were really, immediately horrible all the time, and it’s not as if it’s over. Some of the in-person harassment has gotten better. I’m also learning coping skills and have been going through it for such a long time that it doesn’t have as much power to set me off as often as it used to, but that doesn’t mean that what’s been happening is over or that any of it is or has been good.

If I make factual errors and have made uninformed decisions, I hope that people will keep in mind that there have been many times that I’ve been getting harassed even while I’m using the Internet. I don’t know how many people could keep all of their concentration while living through that. There’s also the fact that I hate dealing with all of it; I think the issues are important and that’s why I’ve kept working on them, but that doesn’t mean that it’s enjoyable or that I am at all happy about how much of my time and life have been spent on those issues.

I hope that a lot of people who read what I write don’t wait for me to explain the meaning of everything that I write, or of every detail. I don’t think that the principles of what I’ve been saying for a year and a half ought to be eluding anyone’s comprehension by now.

Copyright L. Kochman July 21, 2011 @ 11:12 a.m. /11:19 a.m. /11:23 a.m./11:29 a.m./11:35 a.m./11:37 a.m./11:39 a.m. (transferred from Word, with some additions/edits)

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July 22, 2011

Here’s the code name: Digg.

I do not have Internet access at night anymore; the shelter’s access for residents has been disabled for the past few days. Here’s what I wrote this morning before I got to the Internet, to be prepared in case I had to fend off interest from you:

I’ve been trying to do neck and facial exercises every day for the past few months. I also have made a thorough study of my encroaching wattle. It does appear to have a couple of veins as its base.

I’m wondering if perhaps the paunched-out skin in front of the veins would provide protection if a vampire attempted to bite me there. I think that the fangs might pass through the skin, miss the veins entirely and snap together with a disappointing and painful jolt for my would-be killer. The vampire would then intelligently decide that I wasn’t worth the trouble of another try and would wander off into the night, or perhaps go back to his den to nurse his incisors with desensitizing toothpaste.

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July 22, 2011

HOW TO TURN A PAINFUL LIFE EXPERIENCE INTO A FUNNY AND HOPEFULLY EFFECTIVE JOKE

For people who had never heard of me before this past year and who weren’t reading what I wrote online then, the joke which I put on my blog on WordPress this morning is the kind of thing that I was writing about some of my physical flaws two years ago. As I’ve said before, nobody will find those jokes online anywhere, because, at that time, I was using Friendster as a daily blog where I wrote essays, jokes or communications, and then would remove them and write something else the next day or over the next few days.

My jokes about getting older were never anything other than rueful commentary and a way of dealing with the sad and painful fact that my youthful beauty is going vamoose. That sort of joke can also be helpful for other reasons.

As far as getting older than being very youthful goes; I try to accept that I have to get old. If I had the money, I might get procedures done to fix the little things that could look better if those procedures weren’t especially invasive and didn’t involve putting artificial or permanent structures into my body. However, getting older is nothing to be ashamed of; it’s part of life for everyone and everything.

My own jokes about my aging process were pounced upon and have been the source of seemingly endless cruelty. As I’ve said before, the low opinion of consistently cruel people doesn’t mean any more to me than the high opinion of such people would. However, I think that it’s an indicator of something that is wrong with those people that they never stop trying to taunt me about my body, that they waste as much time as they do on that endeavor, spend their working hours trying to think of more ways to exploit me, and set an example for everyone watching that bullying is a good thing to do.

It’s true that there have been times over the past year and a half of non-stop harassment that I’ve made some unkind comments about the appearance of other people who were involved in the harassment. At those times, sad to say, I stooped to their level of behavior.

One thing that I didn’t make jokes about was having had gum recession which was most likely the result of having been pressured into taking psychiatric medication for years at a time when I was in my late teens and throughout my twenties. I talked about having had gum recession in order to warn other people about what can happen to them if they allow themselves to be pressured into the same kinds of things that I was pressured into doing.

That recession wasn’t a natural part of aging; it was something that could have been prevented.

It hurts, also. I’ve always had sensitive teeth, so having some of the root of some of my teeth exposed means that there are days when my teeth hurt for much of the time, even when nothing is touching them.

That was how I knew how to make my joke about desensitizing toothpaste this morning, on WordPress. Here’s a lesson for would-be writers; the more of life you live, the more experiences there will be in your memory to draw upon at times when you wouldn’t expect it, as long as you’re observant of what you’re going through and take the time to think about it. There have been a lot of good writers over the years who have said that the best writers and the ones who are most able to imagine what other lives are like are those who have lived their own lives as fully as possible. I’m not recommending making tours of mental hospitals and out-patient psychiatrists’ offices; what I’m saying is that this morning was an instance in which I could take something bad that happened to me when I was younger than I am now and use some of the knowledge that I gained from that experience to turn it into a useful joke that had more than one purpose.

Copyright L. Kochman July 22, 2011 @ 9:55 a.m. (From Word)/final edit and addition @ 10:06 a.m./really final edit at 10:20 a.m.

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July 22, 2011

This message is to Your Name Is (code). The other code name in it is Ms. Your Name Is.

I wanted to think about what I was going to say, because earlier today I wrote online about everything that was on the front page of both the Times Argus and the Burlington Free Press, and I knew that one of the titles from one of the newspapers would cause questions.

I only had so much time at the Department of Libraries, and I didn’t want to quickly write something to deal with those questions abruptly; I’ve noticed at other times when I’ve anticipated the same problem and immediately tried to deal with it when I only had a few minutes left before the computer was going to shut itself off, more and worse problems occurred.

I never anticipated you being capable of being really cruel. The other things, such as your other moral weaknesses, didn’t surprise me that much, after a while, but that one did. I thought, even up until tonight, that maybe you were just afraid of the big harassers and that that was why you did the things you have done, but now I don’t think that.

I had wanted to create a separate page on my blog on WordPress to write what I had planned to say, but I don’t think that I’m going to be able to do that. I wanted to give it a background of its own, but not only do I think that maybe I can’t do that without giving the same background to all of my blog, when I looked through the first few backgrounds that WordPress offered they were all offensive and I didn’t have the stamina to look through all of them for one that wasn’t.

I felt bad after I saw your blogs, enough so that I felt tired and then a little angry, but I’m also tired of spending a lot of time on anger, especially over the same things over and over again.

Maybe you deserve what I had planned to say on the way back to the shelter from the Department of Libraries before I looked at your blogs, or maybe you could deserve it, or could have deserved it. In any case, I am too tired to rewrite it, so I’m going to write it here more or less as it appears in its first draft:

———————————————————————————————————————–

I don’t think it’s a good idea.

I still feel sad about it sometimes, because maybe if I’d worked at it more and given you some time to understand how serious I am about the issues, you would have invested in doing what I asked and it might have gone all right.

It’s true that I only did my first Google search of you, ever, when I said that I did. As I’ve said, I felt guilty about all of it because it did seem to me that you had probably left Ms. Your Name Is at least in part to find out if I’d be interested in you.

I also was afraid to find out that you were supporting all the bad issues. I put off the moment of discovering that for as long as I could, which wasn’t the right thing to do.

It’s sad. A lot of what has happened over the past year and a half has been sad. However, reality demands to be recognized by people who want to make good decisions.

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That’s the gist of what I had planned to say. I had thought, also, of giving the separate page for it a title, since I think I remember a movie that you were in that had a quote at the end that seemed to lend itself to being paraphrased:

The Sadness of Watching Someone Whose Talent and Intelligence You Always Admired Go Wrong

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July 23, 2011

I’ve been wondering if I should write this message or not. I got accused of being a gossip a lot last year, which I didn’t mean to be. In fact, one of the earlier code names for me was “Gossip Girl.”

The code fill-ins for the names are:

Digg

Sophie

They are only code if I use them where there would otherwise be real names.

Last year, it seemed that Digg and Sophie were in a relationship that was right for both of them, that had started when they were both young adults. However many years the relationship had left in it, it didn’t seem to me that they were incompatible together as the people who they were when I started interacting with them. That’s still how I feel about that couple.

17 and 16 were in a relationship that they’d been in for a long time, and which they’d started when they were really young. It seemed to me that they were growing apart as they grew up, and I got the feeling right away that the romantic aspect of the relationship probably wasn’t going to last for more than another year or two at the most. However, it also seemed to me that they were very attached to each other, that it had been an important relationship for both of them, and that it wasn’t something to be taken lightly. I also didn’t want to be the cause of the end of that relationship, or associated with the end of it in any way. That was one of the reasons that I kept saying “no” to him when he seemed to be on the verge of breaking up with her to try to go out with me. That was a reason, along with the age issue, the fame issue; there were those issues along with the larger issues which never have resolved.

The fact of the matter is, though, that all of those people are monsters. There isn’t one celebrity that I can think of that I interacted with in any ongoing way who didn’t turn out to be or turn fully into a monster.

I want to say this, too, for people who don’t know all or most of what happened last year.

The only larger issue that was going on when I started interacting online with celebrities was the sexual harassment issue. There was nothing about Iran, nothing about child molestation; those issues got added on later, with the celebrities and others following the lead of the White House and various media and corporate endorsers of those issues. There had been some bullying about my being Jewish by some TV shows and the Internet media, and some other media. There had been, and continued to be for a while, and still continues to be, at times, bullying about my having a psychiatric history. However, there was nothing about killing, imprisoning or torturing people or hurting children; it was a time of at least 6 months that I had been trying to understand and object to the sexual harassment before the other issues got added on.

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July 23, 2011

Internet searches of people’s names

It wasn’t necessary for me to have ever worried about what anyone thinks of my doing Google searches on other people’s names. Since at one time I did worry about how that would be regarded, I’ll say now that I’m not going to continue to explain or even mention it every time that I do a Google search on someone’s name.

As I’ve said before, I’m capable of saying how I feel about people. I don’t need to use indirect ways to do so, such as using code or looking people up on the Internet when I know that they are tracking who looks up their names and most likely recognize all of the computers that I use for the Internet by now.

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July 23, 2011

Here’s something I wrote earlier today. I’m copying it here from my handwritten notes:

@ 4:54 p.m.

I’ve been going to the Shaw’s Supermarket in Montpelier with some frequency for the past couple of weeks. I’ve bought some things from their salad bar with my food stamps card.

This week, I noticed that they put 2 signs on the front door, one advertising “Live Lobsters” and the other advertising “Live Chicken Lobsters.” Then, they started putting seafood salad among the salad bar options.

Today, I walked toward the salad bar and stopped several feet away from it because, to my surprise, there was no salad of any kind on it. The entire thing had been filled with boxes of fruit. Each box said:

“RIPE AND READY

FRESH FROM CALIFORNIA”

I bought a half-pound of potato salad from the deli instead.

@ 5:07 p.m.

I just noticed that there’s also an orange “Caution” road cone right behind the bus stop at the edge of the Shaw’s parking lot. I often take the bus from that bus stop. Someone from Shaw’s must have put the cone there.

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July 23, 2011 @ 11:00 p.m.

I just spent several minutes trying to publish the previous section on Weebly; that was where I meant to put it, not WordPress. However, I found that I couldn’t create another page on my Weebly blog. It was weird. I created the page several times, calling it “Shaw’s Supermarket in Montpelier made increasing efforts to persecute me over the past week,” and I couldn’t get the page to exist at all, even though I’d just created one for another subject.

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July 23, 2011

Tonight I saw pamphlets from the Vermont Agency of Human Services, Department for Children and Families.

I looked at one of them. It says:

“Step Up To Help End

Child Sexual Abuse”

The first paragraph says:

“Child sexual abuse is a serious problem—most often committed by people we know and trust.”

The picture at the top of the pamphlet, above the title that says “Step Up To Help End Child Sexual Abuse” shows a group of children. There’s a little girl in the front. She has red hair. Her shirt is pink and has a large letter “V” written on the front of it.

The shirt says “VARSITY” at the top. Then there’s the large “V.” Then after the V is the word “School.” Below the V is the word “TEAM.”

The shirt looks something like this:

“VARSITY

V School

TEAM”

The words and letters are closer together than I’ve been able to show here. The “V” on the front of the shirt is very large; it’s the most obvious thing about the picture.

The little girl behind her is wearing a shirt of which the writing is partially obscured but still can be read; It says “PRIVATE ACADEMY.” It’s a grey t-shirt over a longleeved red shirt.

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July 24, 2011

At 11:30 a.m., this morning, the following were the first two White-House-created search result/blog posts at the top of the first page of a search of the name “Barack Obama:

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“Globe and Mail Daley Says Obama Would Veto Plan If Doesn’t Extend Into 2013
Bloomberg – 1 hour ago By Margaret Talev and Julianna Goldman – Sun Jul 24 13:40:37 GMT 2011 President Barack Obama would veto a deal to raise the debt ceiling if it doesn’t …146 related articles

Geithner: Obama And Boehner Still Negotiating Grand Bargain
Business Insider – 10733 related articles”

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July 24, 2011

The second blog post, entitled “Geithner: Obama And Boehner Still Negotiating Grand Bargain,” is most likely code from the White House supporting the Vermont Masons and the “1st Annual Grand Master’s Fair” that I had noticed was being advertised for in Barre, VT.

I wrote several blog pages about the Masonichip, Masons’ Child ID program on Weebly this past week, and about my speculation not only that the ID program had been used by Masons to identify and get close to children in order to molest and/or abduct and/or kill them, but that the Masons were now publicly endorsing child abuse.

The base for the blog post is a “Business Insider” article, with an ad for American Express at the top of the post that said “START BOOMING.”

The entire blog post is code for “what a great business decision it is” to endorse child molestation.

tried to put the whole White House blog post here. The ads didn’t show up on my WordPress blog; however, I first did the Google search on the name Barack Obama and found the blog post on the first page of White-House-created search results at 11:30 a.m., got some of the information, and then left it for a half-hour. When I did another Google search on the name Barack Obama later, that blog post had been replaced by others.

I was able to find the entire blog post again by doing a Google search on:

“Geithner: Obama And Boehner Still Negotiating Grand Bargain
Business Insider – 10733 related articles”

Some of the words of the blog post that showed up as being highlighted in orange when I put the post on WordPress were originally green. The one in the first section that said “bargain” out of “grand bargain” went to an ad for “Back To School” when clicked on.

http://businessinsider.us.intellitxt.com/iframescript.jsp?src=http%3A%2F%2Fpixel.intellitxt.com%2Fpixel.jsp%3Fid%3D2645%2C2642%2C2644%2C2835%26type%3Dscript%26ipid%3D25293%26sfid%3D0

http://s0.2mdn.net/2308392/Plum_Orbit_728x90.swf

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Geithner: Obama And Boehner Still Negotiating Grand Bargain

Zeke Miller | Jul. 24, 2011, 10:11 AM | 2,233 | 34

Image: NBC

John Boehner

Summary

John Andrew Boehner is the 61st and current Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. A member of the Republican Party, he is the U.S. Representative from Ohio’s 8th congressional district, serving since 1991. The… More »

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Nancy Pelosi

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Nancy Pelosi was the 60th Speaker of the House of Representatives. She is currently the House Minority Leader, a position she held from 2003 to 2007. Pelosi is the first female Speaker of the House…. More »

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Obama Administration

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Since President Obama was sworn in on January 20, 2009, thousands of people work in his administration, within the West Wing, the East Wing, the Cabinet and the Executive Office of the President.

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Tim Geithner

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Timothy Franz Geithner is the current U.S Secretary of the Treasury in the Obama Administration, and an economist, banker, and civil servant. Prior to his role as Treasurer, he was President of the Federal Reserve Bank of New… More »

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Tom Coburn

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Thomas Allen “Tom” Coburn, M.D. (born March 14, 1948), is an American politician, medical doctor, and ordained Southern Baptist deacon. A member of the Republican Party, he currently serves as the junior U.S. Senator from… More »

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34 Comments

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arch duke ferdinand on Jul 24, 9:41 AM said:

What Started the French Revolution…1789…http://seenoevilspeaknoevilhearnoevil.blogspot.com/2011/07/what-started-french-revolution-1789.htmlOT: Hilarious 2 Min Vid….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0Uju3tYS2s

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the main cause of the French Revolution was the debasement of currency on Jul 24, 10:19 AM said:

@arch duke ferdinand:

Why did bread become so expensive?The printing of money.What was a prominent profession at the time?A stock jobber. Ring a bell?What caused the revolutions in Egypt, Libya etc? this year?The printing of money by the FED, which caused bread to go up in those countries.Why is a gallon of gas and our food so expensive?The FED banksters printing $$$$$!Why is Congress able to spend like crazy and why do we have a debt ceiling problem?You guessed it- the FED’s unrestrained printing of money! They want the US in debt so they can suckle on the teat of the US Taxpayer! Look at what has happened since 1913 when the private bank called the FED took over the US and coincidently that same year the Income Tax was brought in to existence. All ties to real money known as gold were broken in 1971 and just look at how the common man has suffered through inflation while the FED and the banksters have profited via that inflation.END THE FED,

Flag as Offensive

Gary Anderson (URL) on Jul 24, 10:51 AM said:

@the main cause of the French Revolution was the debasement of currency :

No, take over and nationalize the Fed. Ultimately it was lack of regulation, while Geithner was Fed president that allowed the private mbs bubble to go wild. That was the real housing bubble. Ending the Fed would just allow anyone to attempt any kind of toxic loan. People would have easy money loans with a giant unpayable balloon payment at the end. It would be like the wild west. No, better to take the bank over, cancel the debt owed to the bank, 1.6 trillion, and give criminal penalties for allowing easy money loans.It was the unregulated part of the housing bubble that did the most damage. Look at the chart:http://www.businessinsider.com/you-can-hate-fed-behavior-without-being-a-libertarian-wacko-2011-7

Flag as Offensive

Howard Dean on Jul 24, 11:00 AM said:

@Gary Anderson:

WHEN IS OBOZO GOING TO COMPROMISE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH

Flag as Offensive

buckethead on Jul 24, 11:07 AM said:

@Gary Anderson:

Aside from some partisan deflection, I agree with the approach of nationalizing the Fed and eliminating the “debt” they created (with a complicit congress and executive branch) and own. Privately held remaining debt is a separate issue.Will monetary policy be politicized? Sure! But it’s better than being privatized.

Flag as Offensive

Gary Anderson (URL) on Jul 24, 11:12 AM said:

@buckethead:

I blasted Geithner for his role in letting Henry Paulson and others spread trillions of dollars worth of toxic CDO’s in 2004. How fair and balanced can I get?i just believe that the Republican, and Ron Paul, tax relief for the rich will create massive easy money loans everywhere. The investors were burned, but they could probably buy into a 15 or 30 year bubble loan where they would get the house if the buyer failed to pay it at the end of the loan. Then it would be like renting. You rent your house with easy money and then you lose it at the end if your gamble didn’t pay off.Aren’t bankers wonderful people? Well, local bankers can be but not these rascals.

Flag as Offensive

Gary Anderson is a 9/11 truther on Jul 24, 12:09 PM said:

@Gary Anderson:

When are you going to blast Obozo for killing bin Laden? You believe that the US brought down the twin towers and not bin Laden.

Flag as Offensive

Sound Money on Jul 24, 12:12 PM said:

@Gary Anderson:

“Ending the Fed would just allow anyone to attempt any kind of toxic loan.”With who’s money? Without a fed anyone making a loan would presumably first have to convince another party (with the money) that loaning it out to XYZ is a good idea. Either this or they risk their own money. A long time ago this was known as risk (pronounced like whisk but starting with an “r” sound), and it was this risk that kept those making “any kind of toxic loan” from getting or keeping much money.OTOH, maybe this isn’t such a hot idea after a century of letting those who have no productive capability control who gets the money …

Flag as Offensive

the cabal on Jul 24, 9:46 AM said:

geithner is there to pass on the word from sir evelyn de rothschild of n.m. rothschilds and sons of london the majority owners of the fed. the rothschilds houseboy geithner will tell boehner that the house of rothschilds expects to be paid back for the trillions their fed created out of thin air and laid on the american taxpayers as debt.
boehner will get the message, and will fold like a cheap suit and the american taxpayers wiil continue to be slaves on the international banking cartels plantation. zerohedge had an article a few days back on how the fed created 16 trillion out of thin air and gave it to foreign and domestic banks and laid every penny of this on the american taxpayers.only in america.

Flag as Offensive

World Revolutionary War I on Jul 24, 12:16 PM said:

@the cabal:

Public debt is the ultimate unsecured debt; the next generation (or thereabouts) won’t “owe” a dime.

Flag as Offensive

Edge on Jul 24, 9:51 AM said:

Interesting, our big banks are too big to fail and so is our national debt.

Flag as Offensive

makecapitalismhistory on Jul 24, 10:21 AM said:

@Edge:

Say it in other words: Capitalism is too important for the rich to fail.

Flag as Offensive

Mencken on Jul 24, 10:30 AM said:

@makecapitalismhistory:

This ain’t capitalism. The oxymoron known as a ‘mixed economy’ is not capitalism. Socialism, fascism, plutocracy,? Getting closer.

Flag as Offensive

makecapitalismhistory on Jul 24, 11:19 AM said:

@Mencken:

That is ridiculous!And then why the rightwing heritage foundation declared the US as the world’s ninth capitalist economy?Cuba is socialist, Venezuela is socialist and the US is the biggest capitalist shithole on this planet. 99% of the businesses in the US are privately owned. That is definitely a capitalist system.

Flag as Offensive

makecapitalismhistory on Jul 24, 11:29 AM said:

@Mencken:

“Socialism (pronounced /ˈsoʊ̯ʃəɫɪzm̩/) is an economic system in which the means of production are publicly or commonly owned and controlled cooperatively, or a political philosophy advocating such a system.” – Wikipedia”Capitalism is an economic system structured upon the accumulation of capital in which the means of production are privately owned and operated for profit, usually in competitive markets.” – Wikipedia”Fascism ( /ˈfæʃɪzəm/) is a radical, authoritarian nationalist political ideology.”- Wikipedia”Plutocracy is rule by the wealthy, or power provided by wealth.” – WikipediaSo, yes we have plutocracy and capitalism and your teaparty is fascist.

Flag as Offensive

makecapitalismhistory on Jul 24, 11:36 AM said:

@Mencken:

And the US isn’t also a mixed economy. Sweden or Germany is a mixed economy, also called social market economy or third way. But even those countries are not socialist. They are more socialist than the US, but they are not socialist. Mixed economy is not the same as socialism.

Flag as Offensive

Libertarian on Jul 24, 12:26 PM said:

@makecapitalismhistory:

“Capitalism is an economic system structured upon the accumulation of capital in which the means of production are privately owned and operated for profit, usually in competitive markets.” – WikipediaSo where will the Facebook IPO money come from? Predominantly, a loan from GS, JPM, C … one of the primary dealers. Where did the lucky PD get this money? Did they forfeit their accumulated capital? No, it was spawned from the ass of Benny and Inkjets. So in what bizarro world is this a system based on the accumulation of capital?

Flag as Offensive

youtoo on Jul 24, 9:55 AM said:

I had almost forgotten the excitement of Sundays in the financial/political realm – shades of Bear/Lehman e al

Flag as Offensive

dollarmayhem (URL) on Jul 24, 9:56 AM said:

If Congress and Obama agree on a law, it means the rest of us are getting screwed.

Flag as Offensive

bloodworm on Jul 24, 9:57 AM said:

Political theatre meant to divert our attention.They bailed out the rich and our going to stick the middle class with the bill. Both parties did this.

Flag as Offensive

telltruth on Jul 24, 10:01 AM said:

America’s finances are a mess. The federal government spends too much, and the debt burden is too high. So what next?

Flag as Offensive

war is a racket on Jul 24, 10:08 AM said:

@telltruth:

next is war with iran, zerohedge about a week ago had a report by robert baer the former cia head of mideast operations for 21 years. robert baer said that israel will attack iran in september and pull the u.s. into the abyss of this war. baer is totally opposed to pulling america into another war for israel, as we are already fighting all the wars in the mideast for israel.according to a recent report by brown university the mideast wars have cost 4.4 trillion, and according to joseph stiglitz and paul craig roberts the wars have cost over 6 trillion and counting, so with the israeli attack on iran all bets are off.

Flag as Offensive

nicko on Jul 24, 12:01 PM said:

@war is a racket:

Israel doesn’t have the resources to fight a full scale war with anyone. Iran is a massive country of over 80million people. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Just look at Syria, its falling apart ally by itself, just let nature take its course.

Flag as Offensive

Bastiat on Jul 24, 10:25 AM said:

Would there be a damaging debt standoff without damaging debt? Dealing with symptoms (what is seen) rather than root causes (the unseen) is becoming standard operating procedure among the vacuous ‘politicals’. The solution to the damaging debt is, as always, is more debt. Does it ever end?

Flag as Offensive

the cabal on Jul 24, 10:35 AM said:

@Bastiat:

the elite cabal in control of america ie the committee of 300, the bilderbergers, the trilateralists, the council on foreign relations, the rand corp. , the brookings institute, etc. are destroying the u.s. economy on purpose to laid the foundation for a new world order one world government with a global bank and currency and vat under the IMF.none of this happened by accident it is the planned destruction of america.

Flag as Offensive

nicko on Jul 24, 12:02 PM said:

@the cabal:

Um LOL, and what about CHINA and INDIA, or even Brazil for that matter? Are they part of this massive conspiracy as well?

Flag as Offensive

youtoo on Jul 24, 10:46 AM said:

how do you get rid of that stupid and irritating slide out at the bottom right of the screen on Business Insider?

Flag as Offensive

hschmidt on Jul 24, 10:46 AM said:

Just like Dan Carlin said on his show: this is not a real crisis. Artificially created problems can be fixed pragmatically anytime. The real problem is not the debt ceiling but the debt instead. The current discussion is just a distraction.

Flag as Offensive

noogan on Jul 24, 10:46 AM said:

How would Obama’s plan REALLY work?Obama would have to increase taxes on wealthy Americans making over $67,000.00 annually, confiscating 46% of their taxable income, because they can afford to pay a little more.How does it feel to be a rich American? One of the wealthy 35 million private jet-flying, tax-paying Americans making over $67,000.00! Just like your average public-sector worker, who, under Obama’s “Tax the Rich” plan, will now take home $36,000.00 per year in order to pay for the 150 million middle-class and poor Americans who can’t afford to shoulder the burden of the their ever-escalating government entitlement program costs. Obama believes that any American making $400,000.00 a year has unneeded income and should pay 65%, or $260,000.00, annually in federal income taxes.http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/../2011/07/how_would_obamas_economic_plan_really_work.html

Flag as Offensive

mt keller (URL) on Jul 24, 10:47 AM said:

You mean protect your rich friends at Goldman Sachs… right?

Flag as Offensive

toddd on Jul 24, 12:21 PM said:

@mt keller:

When did Treasury become a political position?? Why is Geitner posing as a political figure, rallying the lawmakers to decide….OR ELSE!Maybe it’s because Geitner represents Goldman and not the people?I’m not a fan of the tea party, but the more Geitner pushes for an increase in the debt ceiling, the more I’m against it. And the fact that there is ONLY one perspective in the MSM, that the debt ceiling must be raised, also emboldens me.The tea party reflect the will of the people or some of the people. No more spending on wall street. Fuck the stock market that’s propped up by the fed and government borrowing.I find myself more and more rooting for the tea party members.

Flag as Offensive

abolish the fed on Jul 24, 11:02 AM said:

some months back jamie dimon said that the total worth of everything in the u.s. was about 61 trillion , most estimates of the actual debt range from 61 trillion by sheila weinberg to 140 trillion by martin weiss and larry edelson to 202 trillion by boston university professor laurence kotlikoff.the bottom line is if they threw in the total worth of everything in the u.s. the debt can not and will not be paid off, default is the only answer, jim rodgers and marc faber and ron paul are all saying this and they are right., the bullshit farce in d.c. is all smoke and mirrors.

Flag as Offensive

Marie Antionette on Jul 24, 11:49 AM said:

Let them eat cake!

Flag as Offensive

No way on Jul 24, 11:57 AM said:

Im surprised he is still not arrested but gives interviews on tv.

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July 24, 2011

This message is in regard to Your Name Is (code):

It’s my plan tonight to try to go back through my WordPress blog and remove the sections where I accused Your Name Is of forms of hacking that I was previously unfamiliar with as far as my own life is concerned.

I know that a lot of people have done a lot of hacking of all of my online accounts, my bank account (last year, and also, most likely, this year), and, of course, my food stamps card. However, I don’t actually know what, if anything, Your Name Is did. It’s a serious accusation that I made quickly and without taking time to review it or try to understand better what might have happened, and I don’t feel like having it on my blog anymore.

The blog’s long, and I don’t know how much time I’ll have, but I will try to get all of those sections.

I haven’t changed my mind about any of the other issues, or about him.

———————————————————————————————————————————

July 25, 2011

More Clarifications and Reiterations About the Weebly Blog Page 4. Newblog2011: 07/22/11, from my Weebly site, Newblog2010

–The celebrity whose code number is 10 doesn’t have that code number because of me. That’s another reason why I didn’t need to panic over the first publication time on the blogpage 4. Newblog2011: 07/22/11.

–As I wrote the next day on the blog page 1. Newblog2011: 07/23/11, the panicking that I had done on the evening of 07/22/11 was unnecessary and had a bad result, for which I apologized and for which I now apologize again. I had already previously said, many times, that there is no code in anything I write, say, or do unless I say that there is, and enough time has passed and I’ve been consistent enough about it since I was somewhat inconsistent about it months ago that I shouldn’t be worrying about it anymore.

–As I wrote on WordPress on July 23, 2011 in the section entitled “Internet searches of people’s names,” I’m capable of saying how I feel about people, and I don’t need to use indirect ways to do so.

Look at the way that I have to sit here and spend time explaining all of this. How often do the celebrity men who participate in calling me names ever have to spend time making one clarification and explanation after another? It seems to me that they are habitually quite a lot more brutal, dishonest, backtracking, indecisive, disappointing and deliberately cruel to women than I have ever been to any of them, and I rarely, if ever, see them showing signs of being under pressure to make any clarifications or explanations about that. In fact, there’s been quite a lot of pressure placed upon them by the big harassers to be even more chauvinist and abusive than they already were used to being as famous and rich actors.

Right now, instead of making these explanations, I could be out looking for work or writing about other issues that ought to be getting considered far more seriously than the times at which I published a blog page and its additions 3 days ago. Instead, I have to make these explanations for my own personal safety.

What has happened over the past year and a half is that the time capsule of unabated, virulent male chauvinism that has been festering in the entertainment industry for the past 60 years broke open, and, unfortunately, there were people in power in the media, government, and at various corporations who have tried to make use of that, with disastrous results.

———————————————————————————————————————————

July 25, 2011

This is a message for Your Name Is:

I’m sad about it; I’m sorry that it didn’t work out and won’t work out, but I’m doing the right thing.

For me to say “These are the reasons why it didn’t and won’t work out, and I know that most of those are and continue to be good reasons” doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad about it.

You are incorrect if you thought that I was never genuinely interested. I hope that this is the last time that I’m going to feel that I need to say that.

———————————————————————————————————————————

July 25, 2011I did a Google search on the term “Vermont legal age of consent.” The section which I’ve numbered “1.” shows what the first search result listed at the top of the page of search results looked like. The sectionwhich I’ve numbered “2.” shows the first part of the first page of the website that the search goes to.I thought that the ads for “Viagra”and “cool teen sites” at the top of the website that is supposed to be about the legal age of consent in Vermont were not good.When I brought the first part of the website here, the ad for Viagra didn’t show up. It may even be gone from the original website by the time I publish this.Something weird happened when I transferred the search result and the first part of its website here; that’s why the words that I’m writing skip around in this part of the section.There are other things about the website that I noticed, but I had other things planned to do today and I’m sure that people will figure it out.————————————— ———————————1.

Vermont — Age of Consent

www.ageofconsent.com/vermont.htm – Cached Similar– Block all www.ageofconsent.com results

Vermont — Age of Consent … (A) Without the consent of the other person; or … AgeOfConsent.com is a repository of both legal and commentary information …

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Vermont — Age of Consent

[Cool Teen Sites]

Chapter 59. Lewdness and Prostitution

§ 2602. LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS CONDUCT WITH CHILD

A person who shall wilfully and lewdly commit any lewd or lascivious act upon or with the body, or any part or member thereof, of a child under the age of sixteen years, with the intent of arousing, appealing to, or gratifying the lust, passions or sexual desires of such person or of such child, shall be imprisoned for the first offense, not less than one year nor more than five years, orfined not more than $3,000.00, or both; for the second offense, not less than two years and not more than ten years, or fined not more than $5,000.00, or both; and for the third or subsequent offense, not less than three years and not more than 20 years, or fined not more than $10,000.00, or both.

(4) Induce, entice, procure or compel such female to reside in a house of prostitution; or

(5) Induce, entice, procure or compel such female to live a life of prostitution.

(b) A person violating a provision hereof shall be imprisoned not more than ten years nor less than one year or fined not more than $2,000.00 nor less than $200.00, or both.”

———————————————————————————————–

July 25, 2011

It has occurred to me that perhaps one of the reasons that there are celebrities and other wealthy people who are endorsing child molestation is that those people live in a world in which crimes get committed by people in that world all the time. For them, the legal system is something which doesn’t apply in the same way that it applies to most of the rest of the United States; that is, unless the celebrity in question is someone whom the celebrity clique has decided to persecute.

Leaving out entirely the question of whether or not any particular celebrity would worry about going to jail, I’m sure that none of the fines listed above would provoke anything but laughter and a shrug from all of the people who have been promoting child abuse. I think that’s probably also true of the powerful people in government, media and the corporate world who have been promoting child molestation.

One of the ways in which I was bullied last year is this; two years ago, when I first realized that my online writing had been noticed, I wrote a few times about the fact that my high school record had gotten me a $10,000-a-year-scholarship to college when I was 19. I had been out of high school for a couple of years by the time I was 19, having graduated a month before my 17th birthday. I wrote about it more than once because I didn’t have a regular blog where the writing stayed; I would write things on Friendster and then remove them and replace them with other writing. At the time, I was trying to encourage anyone who might be reading what I was writing to try to study when they were in school; I wasn’t bragging, and at that time, there was no child abuse issue going on. Education really is important; I’m not just a natural writer, I was taught what to do. My mother was an English teacher at one time, and both my parents stressed the importance of being a good writer. At the time I was there, South Burlington High School offered a good education to its students, and I could never have imagined that what has happened would happen.

For months and months, an ad that said “Are you a mommy? You could get $10,000!” kept appearing on my Friendster page when I was logged in and alongside the blog posts of various celebrity bullies.

———————————————————————————————————————————

July 25, 2011

Last year, all of the public schools in Vermont were encouraged by the government, media and all other big harassers to be part of the harassment. The websites for high schools such as South Burlington High School were covered with harassing references, even references to stoning.

Today, the South Burlington High School website shows that whoever’s making the decisions for that high school has been following the larger story and still wants to be part of everything.

Here’s what the first part of the SBHS website looks like:

———————————————————————————————————————————

SBHS Class of 2011 would like to thank….

Grad Night
2011
THANK YOU TO OUR COMMUNITY SPONSORS!

• Al’s French Frys • Barnes & Noble • Bed, Bath & Beyond • Costco • Dunkin Donuts • Healthy Living Market • Hollywood Video • Jolley Mart • M.T. Bellies • Majestic 10 • Palace 9 • Price Chopper • Starbucks • Subway • Uncle Tony’s Pizza • University Mall • Zachary’s Pizza •

The SBHS Office of Student Activities and the SBHS After Prom Committee. We would also like to recognize the South Burlington Police Department, SBHS IT Support, the SBHS Maintenance and Custodial Team, the (surname-my edit L.K.) family, and, of course, our fantastic volunteers. Grad Night 2011 would not have been possible without you!

After Prom
2011
THANK YOU TO OUR COMMUNITY SPONSORS!

• Al’s French Frys • Applebee’s • Brad Chenette Real Estate • COCO • Costco • Downs Rachlin Martin PLLC • the Edge • Eyecare of Vermont • Farrell Distributing • Hair Sensations • Law Offices of Fred Peet • Maplefields • Merchants Bank • Northfield Savings Bank • O’Brien Brothers Agency • Play It Again Sports • Price Chopper • Rocky Ridge Golf Club • Shaw and Heald Sales • Shearer Pontiac • Small Dog Electronics • University Mall • Vermont National Country Club •

Special thanks go to Domino’s Pizza, Heritage Toyota, the SBHS Parents’ Association, and the Sunset Ballroom for exceptional and continued support of SBHS After Prom.

———————————————————————————————————————————

July 25, 2011

There’s more on the SBHS website, as of today, July 25, 2011, that indicates what happened last year. For one thing, there’s a huge video section of the rowing team, complete with boat and water. The caption there says:

————————————————————————————————-

“The South Burlington High School Rowing Club had their first race of the season on Saturday October 8. The James Wakefield Rescue Row on Lake Champlain brought together teams from throughout the Champlain Valley along with crews from both Vinalhaven and Northhaven, Maine. Competitors rowed in both a half mile sprint and a mile and a half race along the Burlington breakwater. Six South Burlington crews, comprised of more than thirty-five athletes, braved strong winds and whitecaps in the event. Coxswains (names of students) successfully guided each crew. In the novice division, Rebel crews took second and third over all, while the veteran crew took fourth overall in expert division. The club’s next race is on Otter Creek in Vergennes on November 6^th.”

——————————————————————————————————————————-

July 25, 2011

Below the paragraph about rowing on the SBHS website, it says:

——————————————————————————————————————————

“SBHS ranked as one of the top 25 “Best Schools for Your Housing Buck” by Forbes Magazine. For information on the ranking criteria, click here.”

I followed the link from where it says “SBHS ranked as one of the top 25 “Best Schools for Your Housing Buck” by Forbes magazine. At the top of the site it goes to is a large ad for “Full Sail University.” Ads for “Full Sail University” were constantly getting sent to my Friendster page last year; there ought to be pictures of them that I took when I was logged into Friendster, transferred to my Flickr photoblog, 2010Friendster.

It seems as if that website, where the link goes from “SBHS ranked as one of the top 25 “Best Schools”’ by Forbes magazine, is at the mercy of whatever some Internet entity that can control aspects of the Internet feels like putting there right now. Under the picture of SBHS students, there are two ad-captions. The one for “Franchises under $10,000” also says “Franchisegator,” as in alligator, because an alligator lives near and in water. “Valley Terrace” for the retirement community ad is probably self-explanatory by now.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Franchises under $10,000

Franchises for less than $10K. 100’s of low cost franchises.

Franchise.FranchiseGator.com

Best Retirement Community

Valley Terrace Call us today! 802.280.191”

———————————————————————————————————————————

July 25, 2011

I also followed the second link in the SBHS website’s section about Forbes Magazine, where it says “For information on the ranking criteria, click here.”

It went to a Forbes.com article called:

“The Best Schools for Your Housing Buck”

Both kids in the picture are girls wearing red shirts. Here are the first 3 paragraphs from that article:

———————————————————————————————————————————

“When his job was moved from Redondo Beach, Calif., to landlocked Peapack, N.J., (name) and his wife, (name), weren’t concerned about crossing the country or leaving his beachfront home office behind. Like most parents, they were worried about finding a house they could afford in a town with the very best schools for their kids.

After a week-long search spanning three counties, the family happily settled on a home in Basking Ridge in Somerset County, N.J. No wonder: Its public high school boasts a 100% graduation rate, administers Advanced Placement exams in 22 subjects, and in 2009 96% of students scored at or above proficient on the Language Arts Literacy and 96% scored at or above proficient on the math exam of the New Jersey High School Proficiency Assessment, well above state averages.

They didn’t skimp on housing, either, swapping a small three-bedroom, two-bathroom, ocean-front property for a five-bedroom, three-and-a-half-bathroom colonial on an acre of land. There’s water, too, a pond for skating in the winter and swimming in the summer.”

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July 25, 2011

More excerpts from the SBHS website before this computer shuts itself off today. South Burlington High School was one of the most involved in the harassment, and I suppose that the number of prizes won by the students could have been a coincidence:

“SBHS Students in the News

SBHS “Best Ever” Red Cross Blood Drive nets 67 pints of liquid life (WCAX.com)

SBHS Students featured on WCAX
(name) and (name) discussed their team’s success in winning the Real World Design Challenge Governor’s Cup with Gina Bullard on the WCAX :30 show. SBHS students traveled to Montpelier, March 9th, to receive recognition from Governor Shumlin for taking the top three places in the state challenge. Click the image to watch the broadcast.
(5:38 + an opening advertisement)”

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July 25, 2011

Today, I did try out waiting until it was almost 4:14 p.m. before trying to do the last thing on the computer; it almost didn’t publish, and you can see the result above. Often, a blog that I’m writing on will take on the print form of whatever I transferred to it from the web.

More from the SBHS website, as of July 25, 2011:

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“(Girl’s name) and (boy’s name) represented Vermont at the International Science and Engineering Fair in Los Angeles, California in May because of their winnings at the VT Math and Science Fair. (Girl’s name) had flown directly from Houston,Texas, where she attended the International Sustainable World (Engineering, Energy & Environment) Project Olympiad. In Texas, (girl’s name) received a special award from A&M University and a bronze medal with $400. In LA, (girl’s name) won a special award from MAWHIBA-King’s Foundation for Creativity and Giftedness in Science Education inSaudi Arabia with a medal and $2000. In June, (girl’s name) will be traveling to Chicago to attend the U.S. Stockholm Junior Water Prize. Both students won many awards at the VT Science Fair as well. They had wonderful experiences meeting nobel laureates and the founder of dreamworks, seeing Bill Nye the Science Guy, spending a night at Universal Studios for free, and much more!”

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July 25, 2011

The reason that I did a Google search earlier today on the age of consent in Vermont is that I had read the following from the report “Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis”:

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“Under federal law a sexually explicit photograph of a mature-looking, 16-year-old girl or boy is legally child pornography (18 U.S.C. § 2256). (p. 15)”

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I thought that was interesting; it’s not illegal for someone who is 16 or older to have sex with another person who is 16 or older, but a “sexually explicit photograph” of a 16-year-old is child pornography.

I think that the legal age of consent is different in different places. In Vermont, it’s 16; I think that there are other states in which it’s 17.

I’m saying that because people for whom the age of consent is a question ought to find out what the law is in their own states; don’t go by my blog for things like that. Some things I know, some things I find out because I know where to go to find them out,and some things I don’t know anything about.

After I wrote the penultimate sentence in that last paragraph, I did look up “United States Age of Consent”. It seems as if 16 is the youngest age, in some places it’s 17, and in quite a few places, it’s 18 WHICH I’M COMPLETELY HAPPY ABOUT, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, BECAUSE I AM REALLY TIRED OF THE CAMPAIGN TO VICTIMIZE CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS. This entire situation has encouraged me to have far more conservative thoughts about something such as the age of consent than I ever have before in my entire life; certainly far more than I had when I was a teenager or in my twenties.

Everyone who’s busily reading my blog while I’m editing it because he or she has hacked it and has no respect for my privacy can quit making notes to create his or her own blog posts about me turning into a Republican. I’m not a Republican.

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July 25, 2011

Next I’ve put an interesting quote from the same report “Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis,” by Kenneth Lanning, that explained that a sexually explicit picture of a 16-year-old is child pornography. Reading this next quote was one of my favorite moments of the day:

“In fact, in the United States, child pornography and sex-ring activity frequently result in a net financial loss for offenders. (p.15)”

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Copyright, with noted exceptions, L. Kochman July 25, 2011 @ 5:09 p.m. (transferred from Word)/with edits and additions @ 6:02 p.m./and at 6:13 p.m.

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July 25, 2011

I guess I have to write again about the Village Trustafarian.

Both times after I’d had sex with him, some blood was in my vagina the next day, during times which weren’t close to my period.

If I had been able to tell him, after the first time, that it hadn’t been a good experience for me, I’m sure that he would have tried to be more careful not to cause me physical pain the second time. However, I’d told my therapist about the first time, and she didn’t care, just the way she never cared about it whenever I told her that something in my life wasn’t right. Therefore, I was unable to communicate with him about it, even when he’d expressed concern that the first time hadn’t been consensual; he said, with a question in his voice “I didn’t force myself on you,” even though I hadn’t accused him of it, and I said “No, you didn’t” even though he had in fact manipulated me into it.

He said that he’d pulled “an a—hole move” and that he felt bad about it, but, since I had been muted by my therapist, I couldn’t tell him “Yes, it was, and I’m glad that you feel bad, AND I’m sorry, but I never want to see you again,” or, at least, “Yes, you did, and I’m glad that you recognize that.”

Therefore, the second instance of intercourse was just as bad for me as the first time was, and we never had sex again after that.

I have said before that the therapist I had then was constantly telling me that I needed to “look for the positive” whenever I tried to talk to her about my perceptions. I was almost entirely screwed up by her by the time that I was finally able to get away from her.

If I wrote that guy a letter during that emotionally confusing and unhealthy time that contained a few lines in which I referred to having had sex with him, as I’ve said when I’ve written about this before, I was trying to “look for the positive” in the experience. If you tried to tell your therapist that someone had sex with you and you hadn’t really wanted it, and she’d said “Everything’s fine,” then where’s the positive to be found in the fact that there was blood the next day? If what you’re thinking is “What I thought happened must not have happened because my therapist, whom I trust to help me, told me it didn’t happen. What is the only other possible explanation for what happened?”

He didn’t manipulate me into having intercourse the second time, even though physically the experience of intercourse was identical to the first time. I’d already been so manipulated by my therapist that he wouldn’t have had to manipulate me even if he’d meant to.

For me to have written him letters was, I’m sure, annoying to him, but I never threatened him. All I did was write to him until I didn’t think about him much anymore, whether to be angry or not, and then, for me, it was over. I wasn’t getting any emotional support or help dealing with my life from my therapist. I was paying more than $40 a week for health insurance and I was paying her $240 a month in copayments to see her twice a week; that was out of a weekly paycheck of $11.25 an hour, and before that, it was out of a weekly paycheck of $10.00 an hour.

As I’ve also said, he and the woman whom he later met, dated and married never had to talk to anyone in the media or anywhere else about me whenever it was after I got attention from famous people. I had never identified him by name when I wrote online about what had happened; they showed up, said “Lena’s talking about him,” and they were the ones who told everybody who he was. They had nothing to defend themselves about; it had been over for a long time.

It was YEARS ago. I met him when I was 29. What’s the last date on any letter I wrote him? And the last time we communicated, it was fine; it was all over and done with.

There was no reason for any of what has happened in regard to him to have happened. Those old letters have been used against me by people who are doing bad things to other people, that I did not cause and that I protest every day. It seems to me that those old letters are also being used by people who want to excuse their own continual, unfounded and unreasonable abuse of me.

As I’ve said before, the opinion of people who are being unreasonable doesn’t mean very much to me; however, this situation has been disrupting my life for a long time. I want to stop being hassled about it.

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July 26, 2011

It looks as if I forgot to write the word (code) after the code name “Village Trustafarian” in the previous section last night.

I have said, quite consistently, and for a while now, that even when I use code names or numbers, they are only code if and when I use those names and numbers where a real name would ordinarily go.

My having said that for a while now, and the fact I used that same format last night and happened to forget to put the word (code) after the Village Trustafarian’s code name at the beginning of the section, was good enough for anyone to recognize that his code name was the only code in the section. I’ve used that code name for him several times before, and also, in this instance, I put his code name at the beginning of the section as I have done when I’m explaining at the beginning that there’s a code name in what I’m writing or that what I’m writing is about someone who has a code name.

There’s no code in what I write or do unless I say that there is.

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July 26, 2011

Here’s the code in this section: Village Trustafarian.

I’m not sure what more anyone wants me to say about that issue. He wasn’t any more physically endowed than other men that I’ve slept with, of which there haven’t been many for someone my age.

On the first night that he spent at my apartment, he told me that his last, long-term girlfriend had made him promise to her that he would never treat another woman the way that he’d treated her.

If fortune-hunting had been my goal, I’m sure that I could have extended our relationship and gotten him to marry me. Whenever I was able to get out of a situation that wasn’t right for me, it was almost always against a lot of pressure from my then-therapist; that made it difficult for me to make decisions.

I was able to end it with the Trustafarian, and then I called him a few weeks later. We didn’t go past kissing on that third, last night and we didn’t kiss for very long. Before he kissed me, he surprised me by whispering “I thought I’d never see you again.”

He could tell that I didn’t like him that much, or that whatever was going on with me wasn’t contributing to what could turn into a good relationship. A few days after that night, he said “If you’re not as into it as I am, then maybe we should stop.” I tried to avoid him as much as possible after that. I had had a membership at the community health club where he’d worked since before I met him, and, although I hadn’t used it that much before, I stopped going. I avoided the bar where I knew he spent the most amount of time. I tried to stay away.

My emotional problems were getting worse. My job was extremely stressful and not in entirely positive ways. My therapist was completely against my looking for a different job. She wouldn’t hear of it, even though she’d spent the first two years of having me as her client telling me that everything that had gone wrong in my life was a result of my having a mental illness and that I had to be careful about getting too much stress. She also always refused to listen to anything that I tried to tell her about what I saw as being the reasons that I had problems, whether I tried to give her insights about what my life had been like or tried to take responsibility for things that I’d done wrong; that was how she handled everything I told her from the first day I met her.

It was months after things ended between the Trustafarian and me that my other stresses overwhelmed me and I started to contact him in a way that was frequent, out of balance, or beyond the limits of what we had agreed on when we’d ended things, which was that we’d see each other around. Between the time that we ended the dating trajectory and the time when I lost my balance, I sometimes did see him around and we would talk for a few minutes; he was far from avoiding me and I’m sure that we could have started dating then if I had said that I wanted to.

It’s been years since there was any communication either way between us; years.

I don’t know what else to say about that time from my past, except to note again how extremely malicious the people who keep on and on about that issue seem to be.

Also, as I’ve said many times, he and the woman whom he later met and married never had to talk about me to the media or to anyone else that they’ve talked to since they noticed that I was getting attention from famous people. I never would have told anybody outside of a confidential setting who he was; he was the one who identified himself from writing I did online two years ago in which I neither used his name nor said anything about him that would identify him, even to people who knew him in Vermont.

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July 26, 2011

There’s code here for a name which is incidental to the story itself: The Village Trustafarian.

Also, this story includes the word “pool.” It’s about pool, the game, and is a story that I need to tell now. There is nothing in it which I intend to be taken as support for harassment.

An Unsuitable Man

The Village Trustafarian wasn’t the first man whom my then-therapist had pressured me to stay with when there were issues that needed to be addressed that she denied. Because of her, I never had one experience of intercourse that was enjoyable for me. She really didn’t care if sex was a good experience for me or not.

Sometimes, life gives you a reminder that you’re not crazy even though you might have some problems, which is helpful when you have a therapist who never listens to you and who doesn’t care about anything you have to say about your own life.

One summer, maybe a year before I’d met the Village Trustafarian, I was teaching myself to play pool. I had started going to bars at night to play against other people, after having practiced by myself or in games with people who were around during the day wherever I could find a pool table. I never drank; I’ve never been drunk.

I had missed out on a lot of life experiences throughout most of my late teens and into my 20’s, for various reasons. In my late twenties, I wasn’t used to having groups of guys notice me and make a fuss among themselves until one of them walks over to me, sits next to me and works on getting me to go home with him.

I guess that the Unsuitable Man of the title of this story was about 22, and I wouldn’t have gone home with him if he hadn’t still been in college or if he or his friends had seemed especially rowdy or dangerous. Because of psychiatric medication that I took in late adolescence and in my early 20’s, I had been 30 to 50 pounds overweight during all of my own college years, and so I had been able to be friends with groups of men that age without them all competing to try to be my boyfriend. The men I’d known when I was in college were friends, and, since they didn’t think of me as a trophy, they were a lot more relaxed around me than they were around girls whom they found more attractive than they found me. That was the plus side of being on the plus side at an age when most people would like to be as attractive to as many people as they can, so that they can have a lot of dating options but also so that they can enjoy the feeling of having a lot of people think that they’re attractive. Personal validation based on appearance is a compelling motivator for most Americans when they are young.

Like a lot of college seniors, he had a room in a house that he shared with friends. Early in the morning, he fell asleep for an hour or so, with both of us scrunched into his one-person bed. I looked out the window where the sun was making an appearance and, even though I knew and had known from the beginning that he was most unsuitable for me, I thought “When it’s the right person, this is why people keep going. This is one of the reasons that people decide to live.”

I never slept with him. I also never kissed him again. I knew he wasn’t that nice of a guy, the Unsuitable Man who spent a few hours that night reminding me that there are good kissers in the world. I knew that whatever happened past that night, if anything, wouldn’t last long. At the time, I had no idea how to manage even the kind of relationship that it might have been possible to have had with him.

Today, I got the feeling that the Unsuitable Man has been talking about me, so I figured that now was the time to tell this story.

Copyright L. Kochman July 26, 2011 @ 10:05 a.m./ I edited some of this section after I first published it here, but I didn’t publish all of the times for that, feeling it would be both tedious and a waste of time for me to do so. Also, I first wrote this section and the previous section on Word and then transferred them here; the first time of publication in this section goes for the previous section also./edit @ 12:41p.m.

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July 26, 2011

This message is in regard to The Secret (code).

I feel that I have some responsibility for the fact that you got involved in promoting some of the worst issues, because I encouraged you to stay involved with someone who has been a pivotal figure in their promotion. If there are times when I behave as if I’m trying to protect you from the consequences of your having gotten involved in promoting those issues, it’s because I feel partly responsible for it and not because I endorse any of those issues or want to encourage their promotion.

I can’t protect you from the consequences, whatever they’re going to be. However, at least for a while, I think it’s appropriate that when I report specific instances in which it’s obvious that your involvement has had a significant and bad effect, people can keep in mind that my own mistakes in judgment about how to handle the situation might have influenced you to become more involved and also more exploited for your involvement than you might otherwise would have been. I will be revealing the effects of my own missteps along with the effects of your decision to be involved.

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July 27, 2011

SUBJECTS IN THIS SECTION, OR THAT I’VE PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN ABOUT AND THAT ARE MENTIONED HERE:

INDIVIDUAL U.S. STATES–OFFICIAL WEBSITES

KRIS MARTIN

TIMES ARGUS

LAKE CHAMPLAIN ANGLER, WHICH CALLS ITSELF “YOUR CONNECTION TO CAPTAIN MICKY MAYNARD AND LAKE CHAMPLAIN ANGLER FISHING CHARTERS”

“CHARTER SCHOOLS” HAVE BEEN USED AS CODE FOR CHILD MOLESTATION

A U.S. COAST GUARD CAPTAIN NAMED MICKEY

Also last night, I looked up the official websites for some individualU.S.states. One of the websites had something on its first page that referenced “keeping trout inMartinLake.”

Kris Martin is a reporter for the Times Argus whom I’ve written about on Weebly before. He calls himself “The Shoestring Fisherman.” His articles about fishing and related subjects have appeared on the front page of the Sports section of the Times Argus, next to articles about children of all ages. The titles of his articles have been things such as “Ready To Fish.”

I just did a Google search on the term “Kris Martin articles Times Argus.” The first search result was called “Big Fish Bigger Smile.” The link went to an article by Mr. Martin on a website whose main page is “LakeChamplainAngler.com.”

Here’s what it says near the end of the first page of the Lake Champlain Angler website:

“Community Service, Conservation and Youth Stewardship…”

Then there’s a list of places to which the Lake Champlain Angler Charters has donated benefit charters, including:

“–CVPHMedicalCenter

–PlattsburghMoose Lodge 2390

–C.A.S.T. for Kids”

Below where it says “C.A.S.T. for Kids,” it says:

“Below Captain Mickey Maynard and pro angler Clay Dyer support C.A.S.T. for kids on July 11, 2009 inPlattsburgh”

Below that, there’s a picture of a child with a fish, with a caption that says:

“Inspire stewardship for the future!

Teach a child to fish!”

A few more lines near the end of the page, it says:

“

Fishing Planet Earth
An Angler’s Guide To
The World’s Most Productive Trophy Fisheries”

Below that, there’s a large picture of Captain Mickey Maynard, a U.S. Coast Guard Captain.

The captions say:

“Lake Champlain ~~~~~~
~~~ Marine Resource and Services ~~~
United States Coast Guard Captains
~~~ Serving The Lake Champlain Watershed ~~~

Marine Towing and Salvage, Lake Champlain Tours,
Fishing Charters, Vessel Transport and other Captain’s Services”

Below the picture, it says:

“Visit us on the web at…
www.LakeChamplainTowBoat.com”

I went to http://www.LakeChamplainTowBoat.com.

Captain Micky Maynard is one of two Coast Guard and Merchant Marines featured on the website LakeChamplainTowBoat.com

Here’s what it says at the top of the Lake Champlain Angler website:

“Welcome to LakeChamplainAngler.com

–An Angler’s Guide To Fishing Lake Champlain and its Tributaries

It’s July 2011 and the fishing is hot!

This constantly updated website offers over 60 pages of useful information for theLake Champlainfisherman.

The site is also your connection to Captain Mickey Maynard and Lake Champlain Angler Fishing Charters, where affordability counts, more is better, and size definitely matters. Experience a world class fishery with a seasoned US Coast Guard Captain.

Captain Mick guarantees fish!

Treat yourself to a fishing stay-cation!

Our affordableLake Champlainfishing charters beat the competition’s rates hands down…

We have fully equipped 25’ or 21’ vessels for cold-water downrigger trips or stealthy warm-water charters!

Fish With Captain Mick! Reserve Your Summer Dates Soon…

(then there’s Captain Mick’s phone number)

UPDATED FISHING REPORT!

The remarkable fish below are just a few of the many that were landed on trips from July 13 –July 14, 2011”

There’s more on that website, but that’s the gist of it.

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July 27, 2011

On July 14, 2011 I wrote on WordPress about the “Mater Teeth” candy that are being advertised for children as part of the Disney/Pixar movie “Cars 2.”

“Cars 2” is now a very popular ad that many celebrities who have been part of endorsing all of the worst issues have been putting at the top of their IMDb pages.

I need to again express my confusion over why this is happening. I don’t know what more anyone needs to see to understand what that kind of behavior is contributing to.

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July 27, 2011

EDITING AND ADDITION TIMES

One of the reasons that I add editing and addition times to what I publish online is that I’ve had parts of my blogs erased by other people in the past. For me to note the time that I edit or add something to what I’ve written online makes it less likely that others will try to tamper with my blog, for fear of being detected.

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July 27, 2011

The code for this is 17: that’s the person for whom the message is intended. The number 17 is only code if it appears where there would otherwise be a real name.

I would appreciate it if you would remove from your blogs and websites anything that implies that you and I are in love or dating or that we are planning ever to be those things.

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July 30, 2011

(Since the computer at the shelter is gone, and since I don’t know if I’ll be able to go back to Another Way tomorrow, and since I only have a half-hour left before the Kellogg-Hubbard Library closes today, I’m going to write what I can about this now. I probably won’t get to the whole story, and some of it may have unfortunate wording or thoughts that I would otherwise edit out, but I think I should try to do at least some of this now.)

TECHNOLOGY CLASH/THE STORY OF BANK GUY

He seemed so nice. He was so funny and I was so lonely. I started going to the chain bookstore that he worked in because I was going to school in the same building.

We only talked a few times, but it was obvious from the second time that we talked that we were good talkers together. I think that the first time I saw him, he might have followed me into an aisle of the bookstore. I supposed it’s a nice thing for a bookstore to do, to let people read the magazines and books without buying them. I was surprised the first time that I saw people doing that; doesn’t it deter them from buying what they’ve already read?

I was reading a book, sitting on the floor in one of the aisles. After a while, I looked up and saw that he was in the aisle, also, doing something with other books on one of the bookshelves.

We seemed to have a similar sense of humor in some ways, from the beginning.

He was fun to talk to.

There was a lot going on in my life at the time, and I decided to stay away from the bookstore until things had gotten calmer. I stopped going there for a few months. I went back after I’d found a job and felt my life was on an upward trajectory, but he didn’t seem nearly as interested in talking to me then as he had before. I wondered if maybe he had been mad that I had stopped showing up at the bookstore.

I got on the bus one day after that, but it was too noisy and hot and I decided to walk, instead. As I walked up the street, I saw him and he saw me. I said “Who are you?” meaning, “What’s your name?” He said his name, and then he said “We used to talk, at (the name of the bookstore).” It’s not as if I hadn’t remembered him, but he’d never told me his name.

I have to go.

Short story;

–I saw him around my building a few times when I didn’t expect it. He also got a job at a bank that had a branch right across the street from my apartment, although he didn’t go to that branch right away.

No more time; have to get to the rest of it later. It’s reputation defense I’m working on—that’s all.

I didn’t know anything about social networking until the fall of 2007, either; part of the issue. I hadn’t used the Internet for anything but e-mail and research for school before then.

12:53 p.m.

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August 2, 2011

I still go to the Kellogg-Hubbard Library in Montpelier because it has access to things such as the Internet and other media. It’s also still a library, so if I want to look something up here, I can do that.

If I had a choice, I wouldn’t go here. Also, if I were a parent, I wouldn’t let my kid into this library; certainly not by him or herself. That’s true of every place where I have been and have reported signs of support for evil.

I still am unlikely to have time to get back to the subject of the essay previous to this one today.

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August 3, 2011

I guess I can use code here; Basketball Diaries.

I’ve said a million times that things that are too degrading are too degrading.

Now I’ve said it a million and one times.

It doesn’t matter who the object of the degradation is; I’ve said that a million times, too.

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August 3, 2011

I wonder when it is that everyone who’s watched me talk about the overall issues for the past year and a half will understand that it’s not personal for me. Too degrading is too degrading; it’s the overall issue of what I thought all of that harassment by one powerful person and organization after another would do that I always thought was going to be very bad.

I was right.

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August 3, 2011

TO ALL HACKERS:

I’ve started saving essays that I’m working on to my e-mail because I don’t have a flash drive, discs, or any way to save notes or what I write except to write things out on paper. It takes up a lot of time to do that and then also to re-type them onto a blog or toWord and onto a blog.

Also; I am always on a time limit with every computer I use. For example, at the Department of Libraries, the computer turns itself off at 4:15 p.m. every day, and whatever I haven’t saved somewhere is gone.

As soon as I walked away from the computer this morning, I knew I was going to have to go back and explain more about some of what I’d written on the essay I’m working on. I knew it the second I logged off of everything; I knew what the reaction of the

PEOPLE WHO ILLEGALLY WATCH EVERYTHING I DO ON THE INTERNET

would be.

That’s what it means that I’m trying to save things so that I can work on them later and edit them, to take my time with them. There have been a lot of problems over the past 2 years that could have been avoided if I hadn’t immediately published a lot of what I wrote online. My saving things to my e-mail now is the best I can do to try to stave off more problems like those.

It would be great if you’d respect my privacy; since you don’t, I have to do the best I can with that fact of my life. I don’t even know how I’d find out who you all are.

As far as what I wrote this morning goes; your reaction didn’t cause me to edit that section of what I wrote later. I hadn’t fully described what happened on the day I was talking about. I still haven’t fully described everything that happened during that conversation; that’s what it means to go back and edit things, too. It makes it possible to remember more details about what happened.

A male resident from the shelter who habitually harasses me, including in public, has shown up at the library in the past few minutes.

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August 4, 2011

Here’s the code: Basketball Diaries.

I’m not interested.

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August 4, 2011

I’m not going to use code for this; I am, as always, short on time. It’s the last person I did Google searches about before putting this on WordPress.

No, thank you. Today is the first time I’ve looked you up. It seems as if you’re on your way out, anyway; keep going that way, please.

I’m not planning to have angst-filled, indecisive moments about it, so don’t waste your time.

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August 4,2011

I don’t want to do any more of trying to interpret people’s blog posts and other, easily misinterpreted publications and signs in order to understand and respond to whether or not people are interested in me personally.

In addition to what people put up about themselves, they also put up things about other people. I often need to do Internet searches about people to see what they’re doing about various issues; I certainly can’t take the time to respond to every hint that everyone makes that he or she or someone whom they know or someone whom they know about might be interested in dating, befriending, or otherwise “unvirtually” connecting to my life.

As for dating especially, I could miss a lot of signs that someone is interested, resulting at least in unhappy feelings which could also be in addition to the damage that the person’s pre-existing relationship suffered while the person was displaying signs to me that I missed and so didn’t put a stop to.

Also, I could make an error and interpret interest where there isn’t any; that would be uncomfortable for everyone concerned.

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August 5, 2011

TECHNOLOGY CLASH PART 2

The first part of this story is on this WordPress blog, from July 30, 2011.

Today I’m publishing more about the day I ran into the future Bank Guy on the street after not having seen him for a while. I’m also publishing more about what happened later.

On the day which I started to describe the last time I wrote about this, he was still Bookstore Guy. He told me his name. I said “That sounds like a prep school name.” I didn’t mean that in a good way. I haven’t met a lot of people who went to expensive and exclusive private high schools; I’m sure that many of them are perfectly nice people.

He picked up on my feeling of suspicion upon hearing his name. He laughed and said, “Yeah, like ‘Sterling .’”

At some point during the conversation, he told me he likes to make fun of people for a while without them knowing it.

When he said that, maybe he was joking, half-joking, or doing something a professor once told a class I was in to pay attention to. She said:”If you meet someone and he or she tells you something about him or herself, believe the person.”I don’t think she meant that people should be gullible.I don’t know why these sentences are in a box. I took the other sentences in the box from an e-mail note I wrote to myself for this essay a couple of days ago, and for some reason, it looks like this now. I can write in the box, which is also weird.

Within a few minutes, he’d started….I guess the word is talking but it was more like….I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone do that before, that he or she is not really having a conversation with the other person who’s there. Performance, I suppose it was; a long line of words that I’m sure were meant to amuse me. I think it was more his intention to amuse me that got me laughing than anything he said. I don’t think I even heard more than the first few words of it; it was more that I got an instant signal from him that blared “Everything I’m about to say has almost no meaning whatsoever; I’m going to say all of this stuff and see what happens.”

He finally paused. I heard the pause and looked up at him with something of a “What’s this guy about?” squint. He apparently thought my squint was hilarious; I guess that for some people, one squint is worth a thousand words.

We talked for a little longer. I hinted around about asking him out, and he said he had to meet some friends. I said “Ok, I’ll see you later,” and as I walked away he called after me “I’ll see you around.”

Soon after that, an I Spy appeared in Seven Days, which was not then a newspaper which supported sexual harassment and child molestation, as far as I know. It was 2007. The I Spy said something such as:

“Leanna, I really enjoyed talking to you the other day outside of (the bookstore where we’d met and in front of which we’d talked). Do you want to get coffee sometime?”

I didn’t answer the I Spy, but I thought I’d try to go back to the bookstore some time when he was working and talk to him again.

By then, I had a job that made it difficult for me to show up during a time when he was likely to be working. During one of the times that I’d talked to him before, he’d told me what his usual schedule was, that he was at work by 6:00 a.m., at least an hour before the store opened to the public. After a few attempts to stop by casually that were unsuccessful because I tried to go either in the morning before I had to be at work and I’d show up minutes before the store opened and I couldn’t stay or when I got out of work and he wasn’t there, I finally decided to call when I thought there was a good chance that he’d be there.

I knew it wasn’t the greatest strategy. I guess, also, that he didn’t understand what I said when I did call. He answered the phone and identified himself by name. What I meant to do was to let him know without being too specific why I had disappeared for months after we’d been talking for a while and had obviously both liked talking to each other. I thought I should try to give him a hint about that, because the first time I had stopped into the bookstore after having been gone for a while, he was around me within a minute but he looked mad, or at least I got the feeling that he had been mad at me. Then, when I saw him outside the bookstore, he was very interested in talking to me, but then when I’d hinted about spending time with him on that day, he’d said he had to meet some friends.

Then, there’d been the I Spy. The I Spies in Burlington probably weren’t as much like they would have been in a bigger city than Burlington, because Burlington is small and it’s very likely that if you’ve already seen someone around, you will see the person around again and you don’t have to write him or her an I Spy unless you really want to see the person again soon and don’t have any other way to contact him or her.

People used to communicate through the I Spies in Burlington the way people often seem to use the Internet now. People read the paper version of Seven Days when I was in my 20’s. I think that it was only a percentage of the I Spies that got used for “I saw you and didn’t get your number, this is what I was wearing, the day and time….” Much of it had to do with threats, broken-hearted-end-of-relationship-laments, reputation shredding and reputation restoring; the I Spies in Seven Days have never been without their problems and virtues.

The Seven Days I Spies that have to do with “I saw you and didn’t get your number,” or “I wish I’d asked you out when I had the chance” are somewhat notable amidst the rest of what the I Spies for that newspaper often are.

What I said to him when I called was in regard to an imaginary conversation, from which I hoped he’d understand why I’d stopped going into the bookstore for a long time. I said “Do you remember when you helped me find that book about getting over bad relationships?”

Perhaps not knowing what to say, he said “Yeah….?”

I said “It was very helpful, thanks.”

Then we said goodbye.

The next time that I went into the store, there was a very weird vibe. I didn’t see him, and some of his earpiece-wearing coworkers followed me around the store. That was at a time when I wasn’t used to and was somewhat frightened of the employees of a big store all wearing headsets so that they could talk to each other from around the store. It reminded me of ants or of a weird, military operation. It also seemed like an amplified way for employees in retail to do what employees in customer service have always done, which is to complain about and make fun of customers. In the days before that sort of technology was added to retail, you had to wait until you saw a co-worker in order to talk about someone who had been a bad customer. Sometimes you’d have already forgotten about it before you saw a co-worker.

I thought that the headsets made it easier to talk about customers for no reason, and to bully people.

I wrote him a very short note after that and mailed it to his first name with some dots after it, care of the bookstore. I said “I got a very weird vibe the last time I was at the store.”

I didn’t say much of anything else. I put my return address on the letter and stopped going into the store.

A few months later, I wrote him a letter on Thanksgiving. I was at my parents’ house; it was the usual napping hour for Thanksgiving Day. I didn’t have much to do, so I wrote him what I thought was a funny letter and sent it care of somewhere; I think maybe it was the college that had shown up on a Google search of his first name and “Burlington, VT.”

The next time I did a Google search on his name, several weeks later, his My Space page showed up as one of the first search results. I went to the page; his profile picture showed him in a picture that I hadn’t seen before but that was in the same pose that he’d been in for his picture on the college website which I’d mentioned in my Thanksgiving letter was where I’d found out what his last name was. He was holding the side of his face. His My Space page also showed that he’d changed jobs. At least since I’d written my letter, he’d gone from working at the bookstore to working at a bank that had a large office right across from the return address that I’d put both on my note to him from much earlier, in the summer, and from my Thanksgiving letter.

He wasn’t working in the office across from my apartment building; he was working in the one in the town where my parents lived. That doesn’t really mean much, because South Burlington and Burlington intersect with each other. There are places where one side of the street is Burlington and the other side is South Burlington. However, what I always wondered about that job change was first, if he wanted to try to find a way to go out with me without anyone from the bookstore knowing about it, and second, if he thought that perhaps eventually his life might involve walking to work in the morning from my apartment across from the branch of the bank that was in Burlington. If he was thinking about me when he chose to work for that company, going to work in the office that was across the street from my apartment building would have been a move that said “Lena, I’m a stalker!” It’s not necessarily difficult to transfer offices once you’re working for a company that has more than one branch; maybe that was eventually his plan, I don’t know.

About the bookstore; other employees there had observed our conversations during the months when I was first going into the store and he would show up immediately to talk to me. Once I heard them making fun of him about it and him answering them: “Look who’s here…” “Shut up.” I’m sure it was a topic of discussion for quite a while.

What I’ve wondered since the whole thing was completely over was if by the time he got my Thanksgiving letter, he’d already gotten together or back together with the girlfriend whom he married in the fall of 2009. If so, that would explain a lot.

When I saw his My Space page in December of 2007, I braved my fear of social networking sites and tried to create a fully functional My Space page for myself. I sent him a message. I didn’t get a response within a few days. I had just been through a lot and was feeling defensive; I got mad and wrote him a message because he hadn’t written to me.

What I describe here isn’t always going to be something I describe because I’m happy that I did it or am happy to talk about it; it’s describing what happened, that’s all.

I wrote him a few messages, and then I wrote him a letter, care of another college of his, which got returned to me.

Here I say something in my own defense; at that time, social networking sites seemed trivial to me. I didn’t realize that they had their own set of rules and ways to behave so that you don’t seem like a stalker. From my perspective, at the time, something like a phone call or a letter counted as real communication to be taken seriously, e-mail messages were about half as serious as that, messages sent on a social networking website didn’t really mean anything and profile views didn’t count at all. I also let him know right away that I hadn’t used the Internet for much of anything except for e-mail and research for school; he knew from the beginning that I had no experience with online social networking at all.

Soon after I wrote him the third letter care of one of his colleges and got it back, I did a Google search on his full name. Not only his My Space page but also a Friendster page appeared.

I signed up for Friendster, sent him a “Friend” invite, and he added me as a Friendster Friend.

That, readers, is how I got acquainted with Friendster.

Would you believe that he never once wrote me a message back, called me, or did anything but get me to sign up for one Internet profile after another?

We went through the same thing, over and over again, for a few months before I gave up. First, it was My Space. Then, it was Friendster. Then, it was Peek You. I would sign up for whatever it was that he seemed to be using to indicate that he wanted me to communicate with him. Then, he wouldn’t talk to me, send me any messages, or respond in writing to anything I said. I would get mad, and I’d cancel whatever profile that I’d created for the specific purpose talking to him. Then, I’d do another Google search on his name days or weeks later when I thought to myself “Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say,” or “I shouldn’t have gotten mad,” or “Maybe when he met me, he didn’t realize that I was 33 and he was 26; maybe he needs time to think about that. I really didn’t like it when I found out he was 26, because I know how mean younger men can be, especially men in their 20’s. Maybe I’ve been too insecure, and I’ll try again.”

One of the reasons that I was getting mad about him not responding when I would create profiles was that I was still being stalked by someone else, and that the stalking had continued on from phone calls to my cell phone, to phone calls to my parents’ house once I cancelled my cell phone, to hundreds of fake websites with sexual, violent and death-related wording in them that showed up on a Google search of my name. As I’ve said, I didn’t know anything about social networking sites. The fact of the stalker made me feel uncomfortable having a profile on something such as Friendster, because the harassing websites were an addition to things he’d done before and I didn’t know how much more and what kind of future stalking he planned to do.

I did finally give up on Bank Guy when I realized that all of the effort was on my side. That was the summer of 2008. I stopped doing Google searches on his name or profile views on anything of his.

Late in the fall of 2008, I did a Google search on his name. A few days later, I did a Google search on his name again, and immediately, about 3 listings for his Facebook page appeared. I’d never heard of Facebook.

It was March of 2009 before he let me know that he not only had a girlfriend but was engaged to her. Before he let me know that, we’d gone through at least one more cycle of him signing up for yet another profile on yet another social networking site. In the middle of that cycle, I left a tearful voicemail message in his private voicemail at his job in which I asked him please just to tell me what was going on. I called him there because he never answered at the home number he’d put online during the months when he was getting me to sign up for profiles online; there was never an answering machine at the home number, he never picked up the phone, and then he disconnected the number during the summer of 2008, which is when I gave up.

It wasn’t a home number that I searched for and found; he put it on one of the profiles that he’d created after he’d been getting me to sign up for one profile after another. I think it was at least on the third profile he created. He put the number there, I called it, and he never answered it.

The question is, when did his girlfriend move in to his house, or when did she start wondering who was calling? I wondered about that much later. At the time that he disconnected the number, all I thought was “THAT’S BAD–he must really think I’m crazy or he wouldn’t have done that.”

After I left the voicemail message for him in which I asked him to tell me what was hapening, there were about 2 weeks during which he created another profile online, for a social networking site which I decided I WOULDN’T sign up for. Soon after I decided not to sign up for that site, I did a Google search on his name and saw he had decided to let me know that he was engaged.

What appeared was an engagement notice for him and someone else, with a registry for people who wanted to sign up to buy gifts for the couple. There was also a picture of him, seemingly taken for the purpose of putting with the engagement notice. It was the third version of the pose where he was holding the side of his face that he’d been in for the picture I’d found of him on the Internet when I’d been trying to find out who he was and told him about that in my letter to him back in the fall of 2007, which he’d then seemed to have adapted for his My Space profile picture. For his engagement notice picture, he was also wearing sunglasses and a guilty look.

I had never thought that I was in some kind of relationship with him. All I had ever thought was that it had been fun to talk to him at first, that he had seemed to like me, and that he kept putting out hoops for me to jump through and then ignoring me and I didn’t know why.

In addition to shock when I saw that he was engaged, I had a feeling of “You can’t be serious. Why did you waste my time with this? I didn’t HAVE to pay all that attention to you, I wasn’t THAT desperate. There were a lot of other things that I could have been doing over the past year instead of everything that’s led up to this moment. It was fun talking to you when I first met you, that’s all. When our communication moved to the Internet, I thought there must be a good reason that you kept indicating that you wanted me to pay attention to you but then you never got back to me when I did pay attention to you. I thought that the reason that you never wrote back to me was that I was handling everything wrong, but probably my lack of Internet expertise wasn’t even half of what was causing your weird behavior. You kept me around, that’s all; you kept me around while you were deciding whether or not to get married to your girlfriend, who, it appears from her My Space page, has been living with you for I don’t even know how long.”

Things got worse. I was shocked, angry, sad, amused in a misanthropic way by what seemed to me to be his petty behavior, and I was ready to let go, wish him the best, and deal with my disappointment.

Unfortunately, not everyone in that triangle was perhaps as willing to let go of the situation as I immediately was.

When I had first noticed the hundreds of fake search results that started showing up on Google searches of my name in the winter of 2007-2008, I had told him about them. I had told him that I was being stalked, and given that also as a reason why I preferred not to keep a profile on the Internet and wished that we could communicate away from the Internet.

After he let me know that he was engaged, I noticed that Google searches of my name were showing what seemed to be updated versions of some of the fake, harassing, sexual and/or violent search results with my real name in them that the stalker had been creating since winter of 2007-2008. They were a little different from what they had looked like before, and there were a few new ones, also, that seemed more disparaging than obsessive.

I thought that maybe Bank Guy had told his fiancée about my stalker, and that she had taken some of those websites, updated them, and made some up of her own. I wrote him a letter that said “I never thought that you and I had anything going on; I hope you know that I was never confused about that. I’m happy to let it go. By the way, if your fiancée is the person who’s been taking some of those harassing websites and adding things to them, and/or making up new ones, could you please ask her to stop doing that?”

Nothing happened except that the websites with my name in them got worse. I wasn’t sure what to think of that; I did get mad and wrote him a letter saying “TELL HER TO LEAVE ME ALONE!”

I’m pretty sure it was her; if I wrote something on Friendster about what was going on, without using names, or if I did a profile view of one of her profiles, all of a sudden the websites would appear on the first page of Google search results of my name. The only thing that I felt that I had a reason to talk about was her Internet stalking me and using my name incorrectly; I had already let go of the guy, as I’d indicated to him.

I thought that she was being excessive. I’d already had the disappointment and shock of finding out he was engaged when I hadn’t known that he even had a girlfriend. I’d been very clear that I wasn’t going to pursue him at all or argue with anyone about it. All I wanted was to be able to move on with my life, and here she was invading my life by committing identity theft with my name online.

It was too much for me to handle her behavior at the same time of having found out how why he’d been what had seemed weirdly evasive for a long time. I spent several weeks of the spring and summer writing online in which I expressed my various feelings about all of that and tried to convince her to leave me alone. Finally, I added a report about it to the Internet Crime Complaint Center that I’d been advised to contact by Vermont State law and law enforcement agencies when I’d had problems with the harassing search results of my name that had been created by my first stalker, and then I tried to stop arguing online about the issue in public.

I had had some success with the Internet Crime Complaint Center with the hundreds of search results of my name that had been created by the first stalker. A few weeks after I’d made the first report about that stalker, most of those search results had disappeared off Internet searches of my name. They hadn’t only been on Google; they’d shown up on searches from several search engines.

I had gotten not quite half of what I’d asked for from the Internet Crime Complaint Center, or “ic3.” They had removed most of the search results, but they didn’t seem to have tracked where the results were from or given any kind of warning to the person who created them.

Some of the original harassing websites that have my name in them are still on the Internet and show up on Internet searches of my name. There also seem to be some new ones, which isn’t surprising since the federal government has been harassing me and the FBI is part of the ic3.

Here’s what a Google search on the term “ic3” shows:

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Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3) | Home

www.ic3.gov/ – Cached Similar

A partnership between the FBI, the National White Collar Crime Center and the Bureau of Justice Assistance which acts to receive and investigate complaints …

File a Complaint Contact Us Internet Crime Schemes About Us	FAQ Internet Crime Prevention Tips Press Room Public/Private Alliances
More results from ic3.gov »

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August 5, 2011

TECHNOLOGY CLASH, PART 3

With any luck, this will be the last installment of The Story of Bank Guy.

While I was still trying to understand why Bank Guy would act as if he wanted me to talk to him and then would ignore me, before I knew that he had a girlfriend, sometimes I created a Friendster page with a fake name on it and used the profile itself as the message. It occurred to me to do that after I’d been using Friendster for a while. I haven’t been back to Friendster since I had to move everything that was on it to Flickr and I don’t know if it’s the same format now or not.

The way Friendster was when I was first using it was that you could create a profile, do a profile view of someone else’s Friendster page, and then the person would see on his or her Friendster page that he or she had gotten a profile view. All the person had to do was click on the section of his or her Friendster page that said “You have a profile view,” and then the person would be shown the profile of the person who had done the profile view. At times when I felt that I absolutely had to tell him something, I’d create a Friendster profile for a name that I figured nobody would look for or look up, and then I’d write whatever I wanted to say to him directly onto my profile and do a view of his profile. That way, when he saw that he had a profile view and went to the profile from which I’d done the view, he’d see what I’d written to him.

They were very obviously fake names, and I would put my real name at the end of what I’d written on the profile I’d created so that he would know I’d written it. I quit doing that when I quit everything else in the summer of 2008, months before he made even more profiles on Google public the second I did a Google search on his name in the fall of 2008. I also used that way of trying to communicate with him a few times during those two weeks in March of 2009, after I’d left him a voicemail in which I was in tears, while he was putting up more social networking profiles, and before he let me know he was engaged to someone else.

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August 6, 2011

Last night, I looked up Polyvore for the first time in a long time. I miss creating outfits there, and probably shouldn’t have created one last night, for the reasons I gave before, but I miss it.

I didn’t create a profile for myself or publish the outfit. My privacy was invaded by people who took the few things I put together to mean something and made something out of it.

There are a lot of people who have been part of the nightmare who are 21, I think. Also, I have stated more than once my lack of interest in dating the person whose code number was in the last 2 digits of the number for what I think was the price of the dress. It might not have been the brightest thing I ever did to try to make the outfit for a few minutes, but I’m tired of the whole thing, I’m tired of code, tired of being abused, tired of having my privacy invaded, I hate it more than ever.

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August 7, 2011

Defense Only

I would appreciate it if neither individuals, corporations, nor anyone else would ridicule people from my past, even people who showed up to attack my reputation. I’ve written about those experiences and my thoughts about what happened in order to defend myself, not to ruin their lives.

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August 7, 2011

I’m writing this impromptu. Sometimes I have moments when I fail to be diplomatic.

The President of the United States is an evil man. What kind of President endorses rape, abuse of women, abuse of children, child molestation, bullying, and forces other people to endorse those things, also. I HATE this President. I HATE him.

Here’s something from one of the blogs that showed up on a Google search of his name at 11:55 p.m. tonight:

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Children enrolled in Camp Gan Israel of Westport made their way onto the Saugatuck River Wednesday afternoon in boats they built themselves with instruction from Curtis Tucker, founder of Kids Aboard Workshops, Inc. Tucker is seen in this photo, standing, with his back to the camera. Photo: Contributed Photo / Westport News

WESTPORT — Excitement mixed with a bit of trepidation along the Saugatuck River Wednesday afternoon as more than 50 elementary school children from Camp Gan Israel got ready to venture into open water — in humble vessels they assembled themselves.

Some of the youngsters, ages 7 to 11, admitted to being a little nervous as they rowed away from the boat ramp. But there was no need to worry. The boats proved positively buoyant.

“It was scary and surprisingly fun,” said 8-year-old Isabelle Katz, a soon-to-be third-grader at Long Lots Elementary School.

“It was awesome,” said Samara Cohen, a fellow Long Lots third-grader. The boat building took place two weeks ago at Coleytown Elementary School, led by Curtis Tucker, founder of Kids Aboard Workshops in Ocean Park, Fla.

Maya Kallins, 8, said the best part of the boat-building exercise was “learning how to use a power drill.”

After a base coat of paint was applied to the four boats to waterproof them, the children had to wait for the right day to head out to the river.

Before they left shore Wednesday around 2 p.m., Rabbi Yehuda Kantor was invited to give his blessing.

“You should come back the same way as you came,” he said, smiling.

The children weren’t merely passengers. They both paddled and piloted their vessels. Most were also accompanied by a counselor who also paddled, but one brave junior counselor got into a boat sans paddle, confident enough her campers had been adequately trained by Tucker minutes earlier.

Tucker said boat-building is an old-fashioned “work type of project in which they experience good communication and hard work, a project that doesn’t involve technology and computers.”

Camp Gan Director Dina Kantor said, “It was incredible teamwork that was taking place, kids working together to make something from nothing. It gave them a tremendous sense of teamwork, bonding, satisfaction and empowerment, as far as what they can do.”

Tucker said children are filled with pride when the boats they built hit the water.

“You see it in their eyes and their stature,” he said. “That feeling of, `Look at what we did. This is real.’ It’s really a good self-esteem-building project.”

While Camp Gan, like many other summer camps, offers swimming, horseback riding, tennis, archery, theater and other activities, Kantor said it’s the special activities each week, like the boat building and performing at the Quick Center for the Arts at Fairfield University last week, for example, that will make campers recall their summers with fondness years from now.

“These things are life memories, things that don’t happen every day,” she said. “Camp is such a big part of childhood memories, and it’s these unique opportunities that don’t come around every day that really leave an impact on children.”

Camp Gan Israel, for campers ages 2 to 11, is based at Coleytown Elementary School. Its season ended Aug. 5. For information, visit http://www.ganisrael.com or call 203-226-8584.

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August 8, 2011

Tonight, I saw an adult man wearing an orange shirt that had the number 13 on the back.

I also saw a young boy, who probably wasn’t yet in his early teens, wearing a shirt that had the number 28 on the back.

Yesterday, I saw a man with what looked to be 2 sons. One of the boys might have been in his early teens. He had a shirt that said “If you even dream of beating me, you’d better wake up and apologize.” I thought that maybe that was supposed to be a warning to child molesters, and then I saw that his father was wearing a shirt that said “HEAD” on the back, at the top of the shirt.

I know that “Head” is a brand, but I still thought that all of those things were bad signs.

I’ve heard at least 2 separate ads for Burger King “Mini’s” in the past hour, from the TV that’s on several feet away; I thought that was also a bad sign.

Up the street, in this relatively poor neighborhood, someone put a large, yellow sign made of cloth on the front lawn. It’s in the shape of a children’s truck. I thought that was a bad sign, too.

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August 8, 2011

Tonight I created a Weebly blog for one story.

The blog is called:

From A Page I First Had On My Original Weebly Blog on 11/17/10

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August 15, 2011

Code here is “Psychology Major,” in place of the real name.

There’s something I want to add to what I wrote about Psychology Major on June 24, 2011.

Obviously, the experience of getting to know me wasn’t an entirely positive one for either of us. I think, too, that I was influenced at the time by stereotypes about men; for example, the idea that all they ever think about is sex. I think that part of what I thought at the time was that all I had to be was pretty, that it was important not to act or look too slutty at first, but that once you had kissed someone a few times, there was no amount of sexually aggressive a woman could be that would make a man uncomfortable, especially a guy in his early 20’s.

For someone else, it might have been fine, but it wasn’t for him, so I would appreciate it if people would stop talking about that situation, too, whether with a positive or negative connotation.

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August 18, 2011

I have another blog on WordPress. It’s called “realnames1.”

I’ll still be using this and my other blogs.

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August 19, 2011

There’s no code in the section previous to this one. I recorded the times as they were. Since there are a lot of people illegally watching everything I do on the Internet all the time, they know that’s true.

As I’ve said before, I’ve never used times as code. For a while, a long time ago, I would sometimes wait a minute or two, or more, to be able to publish something at a time that couldn’t be interpreted as having any code in it. I quit doing that; it was a waste of time, energy and thought, for a number of reasons.

Some of the reasons I stopped worrying about times being interpreted as code are:

–There eventually were a lot of code numbers, with at least half of the people whose numbers they were dating or thinking about dating each other at any given time and it was all too much to keep track of.

–Since I left my parents’ house, I’ve only had short times available to me to be on the Internet. During those times, I’ve almost always been getting harassed by other people in the room, and doing nothing for a minute, two minutes, or however many minutes it would take to get to non-code time zones is something I’m not willing to do, especially given the fact that I ALWAYS have more to write about than I have time to write.

–For the most part, I really hate the whole code aspect of the situation. I’ve never liked it. In some situations, such as when people don’t deserve to have their privacy protected, I think using real names is ok. However, much of what has been turned into a code issue is silly; for example, worrying about the times at which people publish things.

As for the specific codes for “13” and “16”; as I’ve said before, when I started interacting with them last year, the only thing they were involved in was some joking around with the sexual terms that I objected to. What I have always called sexual harassment of me had just started, and I’m sure that none of us had any idea where it would all lead. They were young, mostly uneducated, and had already spent years encapsulated in the unhealthy, misogynist, irresponsible world that the entertainment industry seems to mostly be, and I hoped they would grow out of what they were doing.

I’ve never done anything but protest what I have considered inappropriate behavior. I’ve done that the whole time.

Let’s say that I still have feelings for “13,” that I got used to concerning myself about “16,” and that yesterday when I stayed consistent about publishing times accurately, I remembered that while I was staying consistent about publishing times accurately. I got on the Internet when I had time to get there. I didn’t try to write or publish any of it at any particular time; I wasn’t even looking at the time until I was about to publish. It wasn’t intentional, but let’s say that I had those feelings when I did see what time it was. That’s healthy; it’s normal.

Everything else that’s happened over the past year and a half ISN’T healthy or normal; it’s sick and wrong. I don’t feel anything for the behavior of 13 and 16 to which I’ve already objected except for continuing to feel that I need to object to it; I don’t condone their behavior, never have and never will.

Many times, I have accurately recorded times that, if they had been code, would have been embarrassing to me. I unhappily saw how those times could be interpreted and published them as they were.

I shouldn’t be getting attacked for being accurate, especially since I’ve been attacked every time that I’ve made factual errors or interpreted things incorrectly while writing about various issues.

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August 20, 2011

Yesterday morning, I was on a computer that automatically logs off 45 minutes after you log onto it, whether you’re using the Internet or not. I’ve never used that computer before. It also took more than a minute for the WordPress blog to update what I’d written after I’d clicked on “update”. I didn’t know until less than a minute before I got logged off if what I had written would get published or not. If it hadn’t, I would have had to type the entire thing over again the next time I got to a computer.

It isn’t feasible for me to worry about the times that I publish things.

In addition to everything else, and unlike the big harassers and child molesters, I don’t have staff to research, write and edit my blogs. I do everything myself.

Being homeless and/or poor also means that you are always on someone else’s schedule, and tasks that you could ordinarily do all in one day or in a few days can take a week or more. Yesterday, I got a chance to do my laundry; most shelters and day shelters let people do their laundry once a week, so that’s what I did yesterday. I also still don’t have a locker or storage, so I’m carrying my stuff with me all the time.

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August 22, 2011

I wouldn’t have made any explanation at all of the times at which I published what I wrote on my WordPress blog “ireallyprotest” on August 18, 2011, except that I noticed the next day that the big harassers and child molesters were using the times at which I’d published on August 18, 2011 in order to excuse more pursuit of their agenda. The big harassers continued a similar tactic over this past weekend and are continuing it today, which moved some questions I had been thinking about asking up on my list of priorities.

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August 23, 2011

I don’t have much choice about when I’m able to use a computer. As I’ve said, I’m always on the schedule of service providers in Boston, and it will be that way until I’m financially able to have more independence than I do now.

Even if that weren’t the case, I’m not interested in worrying about the times at which I publish things or in explaining those times to anyone. As I’ve repeatedly said, I’m perfectly capable of saying how I feel and what I think. I’m not much of a hint-giver. I prefer to be direct.

I don’t need to use the times at which I publish things in order to communicate with people; I don’t need to do anything that is petty in order to communicate with anyone.

August 23, 2011

I’m going to go where I want to go and do what I want to do. I’m not part of the group of people that deliberately and consistently tries to hurt other people for no good reason. I’m not going to live my life according to the unfair, vile and ridiculous rules that a group of bigots, bullies, murderers, sexual harassers and child molesters want to inflict on me and on the rest of the world.

August 29, 2011

When I was about to publish the blog page 4. Newblog2011: 08/27/11 Starbucks, on August 27, 2011, I noticed that the time was 4:28 p.m.. I saw that, and I was afraid to publish what I had written at that time because, earlier in the week, my publishing something at a time that has the same code interpretation was followed the next day with a large newspaper’s announcement of yet another international catastrophe. There had been something in the essay that I had thought about writing anyway, so I went back and made the addition. By the time that I had written the addition, it was 4:29 p.m.

Everyone who illegally watches everything I do on the Internet saw my having first typed 4:28 p.m. at the end of the page, then saw me make the addition to the writing and then publish the page at 4:29 p.m.. I didn’t hesitate about any other times I published on that day, since I felt that I had repeatedly, recently, and in detail made my feelings clear about all of the people who have had those truthful times as code numbers.

It didn’t even occur to me to remember that Bank Guy is 29 now. Since the big harassers will accuse me of ANYTHING, here’s a reminder of what I wrote on my WordPress blog, “ireallyprotest” on August 5, 2011:

“August 5, 2011

TECHNOLOGY CLASH, PART 3

With any luck, this will be the last installment of The Story of Bank Guy.”

August 29, 2011

It doesn’t seem to me that there’s anything that I can do to avoid being abused by the big harassers and their followers, and I am now a little bit sorry that I didn’t publish the time “4:28 p.m.” the second that I put it on the screen. However, nobody should be reading my blogs until they are published; everyone who is doing that IS A CRIMINAL. It is A VIOLATION of privacy, not in some theoretical realm but in clearly delineated, legal terms.

There is NO REASON for people to be taking the times at which I publish things, or anything else that is that petty, to mean anything.

Also, when I do write things on the Internet and then erase them before publishing them, when I put things in my e-mail account, or whatever it is that people illegally watch; I don’t know what I could do to stop those people from violating my privacy and watching what I write and do. I shouldn’t have to worry about things that I write and then don’t publish, things I decide not to say after having written a sentence or two, or anything of that nature.

Even if I were to try to take the precaution of only ever writing things on wordprocessing and then publishing it all when every word was exactly what I meant to say and no editing were necessary; first of all, if I always allowed myself to be the kind of perfectionist about writing that I really am, there would be even more things left half-completed than there already are. Second of all; I’m not sure how many more times I need to say that I don’t have unlimited Internet access. I get logged off public access computers with a little bit of warning on the screen, such as “You will be logged off in 10 minutes,” “You will be logged off in 2 minutes, please save your work,” and then, if I haven’t somewhere saved what I wrote, it’s all gone and I have to write the entire thing over again the next time I log on anywhere.

I don’t have a flashdrive. Even if I could buy one, which I can’t, I’ve never used one. Maybe that’s something I can consider next, but, to be honest, there are a lot of things that I could use and I do without them because I don’t have the money to buy them.

I wonder if it would matter anyway, what I write online and then erase or save, versus what I write even on wordprocessing programs on any computer that gets the Internet; it’s not as if the people stalking me aren’t governments who can do whatever technology has available.

Did I mention that them doing that is illegal? I’ve mentioned that already a few times, haven’t I?

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September 1, 2011

One thing I’ve been wanting to write is a clarification of something I wrote a while ago; I don’t remember everything I hear or that has happened to me. What I can do at times is remember HOW things sound and then say them again the way they sounded, without needing to hear them again and again. That goes for the other senses I wrote about, also.

It depends somewhat on what was going on. If something’s really boring, most people have trouble paying attention to it and remembering it. If something involves you, even if it’s a bad moment, you’re more likely to remember it than you otherwise might be.

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September 1, 2011

This is to the person whose code name is Digg:

I have absolutely no idea what the today’s front page of the paper version of the New York Times that they’re using to make slurs about me in regard to you is about. I can think of some things that they’re doing that are absolutely, completely unfair and wrong, but even in that context of sickening things that the newspaper and others like them have done, I can’t even think of what they’re referring to in regard to you.

Yesterday, one of my Weebly blog pages had “0211” written where the date was supposed to be 2011. I saw that I had published it that way, and fixed it immediately, feeling sick because I thought someone would probably make something horrible out of it.

“11” is someone else’s code number, and that’s all I can think of that happened yesterday, in the context of “sick, bad and unfair things that the New York Times is doing today.” I mean, it’s the only thing that I can think of that they might be trying to use to point to in order to do sick, bad, unfair things; obviously, it’s not the only horrible thing the newspaper’s doing today.

I can’t even think of something like that in regard to you. I’d have to go through everything I wrote yesterday to try to figure it out. I’d have to spend hours thinking about everything I did online yesterday to know what they mean, if they haven’t actually moved on to making up a lie out of absolutely NOTHING, not even something that they have to know themselves didn’t mean anything but that at least was there on a screen I had published for a minute, by accident.

I’ve said I don’t want to go out with you. I’ve said it without fail. I said it a year ago, I said it a year and a half ago; I’ve never said anything else. I’ve said “If you’re going to break up with Sophie (code), it won’t be to go out with me, because I won’t go out with you.” I have never said anything but that.

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September 8, 2011

PLEASE DON’T SEND COMMENTS TO ANY OF MY BLOGS!

I need to ask that nobody send comments to any of my blogs, even when the tone of the comments is meant to be complimentary or otherwise positive.

Anyone who contacts me that way is putting himself or herself under immediate scrutiny by everyone who maligns and harasses me. That’s true whether or not I publish your comments, because everything I have online has been hacked and is watched 24 hours a day. When you send me a comment, I get a notice in my e-mail that I’ve received a comment, and there’s a copy of it both in my e-mail account and in the administrative part of my blog that only I am supposed to be able to view, along with a request for me to publish the comment or delete it from my queue of mail.

Please don’t send me comments any more.

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September 18, 2011

I first published this essay on another blog, using real names. Then I decided to delete it from that blog and put it here; I gave the person whom I’ve named Computer Guy his code name because one of the things that he was working on when we were friends was to build a computer from spare parts.

The other person has already had a code name, but since I used his real name the first time I published this essay and there are probably more people reading my blogs every day, I want replace his code name. Unfortunately, I haven’t thought of a replacement code name yet.

Re: Computer Guy

It seems as if someone I used to be friends with, named Computer Guy, may have been talking about me to a lot of people.

A few months ago, after having told me more than a year ago that he didn’t want to be friends with me, Computer Guy sent a comment to my WordPress blog “ireally protest.” He wrote “Nobody thinks you’re being harassed but you. You should get some help.”

He meant psychiatric help. He knew since I met him that I had a psychiatric history. We met at work and the medication I was on at the time was giving me a lot of problems that interfered with my ability to learn and perform tasks there. Also, when he and I became friends, I talked to him about some of what I’d been through.

However, he’d absolutely told me, more than a year ago, that he didn’t want to be friends with me. Since he’d obviously been reading my blogs, he had to know that everything I have online has been hacked, and that even if I didn’t publish his comment, people would read it and he’d get attention for it.

When we were friends, I talked to him about a lot of things. Sometimes I talked to him about my guy problems. Sometimes he was helpful. He helped me try to end my short relationship with Guy Whose Code Name I Have Yet To Think Of when my therapist was pressuring me to stay, and eventually he also helped me get rid of the therapist.

Sometimes people can help you just by giving you their honest opinion, if it’s someone who cares about you, with whom you’ve been honest, and if you’re talking to the person about your problem. Here were Computer Guy’s Helpful Comments in each of the situations I’ve just mentioned:

I was talking to him about Guy Whose Code Name I Have Yet To Think Of, and Computer Guy said “You can’t stay in something that hurts you and that makes you feel bad about yourself.”

I was talking to him about the therapist, who did a lot of other things besides pressuring me to stay with men whom I didn’t feel were right for me. Computer Guy had been listening to me talk about the therapist’s advice to me for maybe a couple of years, and he finally said, “That is the most dysfunctional situation I have ever heard of.”

I guess I’m not sure that Computer Guy’s more recent discussions of me have been helpful to me; I’m getting that impression, even though I haven’t talked to him.

I will always be grateful that he helped me stay, as much as possible, in the reality of what the situation with Guy Whose Code Name I Have Yet To Think Of was like, for me. Maybe that situation could have been a better one if the therapist wasn’t such a jerk, but really, Guy Whose Code Name I Have Yet To Think Of and I weren’t meant to be.

As far as my dating problems that were the result of my own behavior and which the therapist didn’t help me with because she wasn’t able to support me in ways that would have made my life healthier overall, I’ll say this about whatever Computer Guy’s judgment on me has been there:

For all the time that I knew Computer Guy, he didn’t date at all. He didn’t even seem to try. He didn’t talk to me about wanting to date people; not really. I would have talked to him about it if he’d wanted that, because I didn’t ALWAYS fail, but he never talked about it or seemed to show signs of wanting to do things to help that part of his life thrive.

He once lent me money, which I really needed at the time. It was either 20 or 40 dollars, and I paid it back in a timely way. However, the night he lent it to me, the dynamic of our friendship changed. He drove me home, and then, when I was back in my apartment, he called me from his car, which was still parked in the parking lot of my building. Then he called me at least once more while he was driving back to his house. In the 2^nd phone call, he said “I’m calling you again,” in the embarrassed, I-know-that-I’m-slightly-stalking-you way that someone who is slightly stalking you will say that kind of thing.

Whatever my problems are or have been, I’ve tried at things. As many times as my romantic life went wrong, I kept trying and I kept trying to do better. Someone who never even tries at a whole side of life, especially one that is difficult for a lot of people, has no right to criticize or condemn someone who tries and fails, no mater how many times she fails.

I’m REALLY sick of people from my past taking advantage of the fact that they used to be my friends.

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September 19, 2011

I’ve taken out some of what I wrote here yesterday, because I had meant to put it on Weebly anyway and didn’t have time to do that yesterday.

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September 26, 2011

I couldn’t help feeling bad the other day.

Poisoning the minds of young people is something that corrupt, fascist politicians and others in power often seek to do in order to permeate society with their bad agenda. Young people are usually easier to persuade to think and to do bad things than are older people, because young people frequently don’t have the life experience to know when they are being manipulated and what the results of many of their actions are going to be. Young people are also usually moderately to extremely susceptible to peer pressure and are more likely than older people to conform to what their friends or other people whom they admire or fear are doing and telling them to do.

Young people usually have fewer commitments and investments than older people do; for example, what does child molestation mean personally to someone who has no children, and who has never had any paternal or maternal feelings?

As far as people who are older and who participate in things such as the promotion of child molestation go; to people who have never been molested, or who haven’t had other life experiences that have enabled them to imagine ever being helpless and abused, doing things that promote the victimization of others means much less than it does to people whose lives have been full of opportunities to understand the nature of victimization and abuse.

The ability to feel compassion for others isn’t always a byproduct of suffering; only if you’re lucky.

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September 27, 2011

I don’t know what to call the Village Trustafarian except the Village Trustafarian. I didn’t know he was a trustafarian when I met him, and I didn’t find out for a long time after that.

I think there’s a story that I need to tell. I’ve told it before; I told it online about a year and a half ago.

The night that I saw the Village Trustafarian out at a bar and invited him to my apartment, I told him before we got to my apartment that all I wanted to do was make out. He said “I would love to make out with you.” I’m saying that now; I told him before we got to my apartment that all I wanted to do was make out.

That night, I’d worn a pair of jeans that were made of thin material. They also sat low, and, not being a thong-wearer, I hadn’t found a pair of underwear that I could wear with them that didn’t show over the waistband. I always wore those jeans without underwear.

The light was on in my room the whole night. After we’d been kissing for a few hours, I noticed that there was a teeny, tiny bit of wetness that had gone through the pants I was wearing. I was the one who noticed it, and mentioned it for one second, in one sentence. All I said was that it was there.

He wouldn’t even have noticed it if I hadn’t said anything.

I’m curious as to what he’s been telling people since that night, when I was 29 years old. I’m now 37. Has he been telling people, all that time, something like “She was so wet, it went through her jeans?” Like the next day, to all of his friends, and not just to the media years later?

I told my side of this story, as I’ve said, a year and a half ago, because I got the feeling from a TV show I saw that he’d been saying exactly what I just speculated he’s bee saying. I didn’t even worry about telling my side of the story, because I thought I was telling the story to adults.

The response I got from the initial stages of what turned into the harassing conglomerate?

“Floods! FLOODS! Oil spill! Floods, floods, everything that ever has to do with moisture is going to be used as code for your dirty, overly wet vagina FOREVER!”

Hillary Clinton’s contribution to the harassment during the summer of 2010 was “Floods in Pakistan,” as if my vagina were responsible for the monsoon season that has visited India and Pakistan every year for so many thousands of years that nobody could even begin to know when it started.

Just one of Bill Clinton’s contributions to the harassment during 2010 was an Esquire article in which he was ostensibly talking about Haiti, but that was full of harassment. What I remember of the article was mud, fish, pizza; that kind of thing. Also, this phrase “baby-faced accountant,” which, of course was praise for Bank Guy.

Here’s some of that article. Pools, too; I had forgotten that part of the paragraph, the mention of the swimming pool. There’s probably more in it than that; I’ve put the phrase “baby-faced accountant” in bold print.

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After five days in Port-au-Prince, I sat at the hotel bar and ordered a Prestige, the beer of Haiti, the beer of preference — a pretty damned good beer, if you ask me. I liked the word, Prestige, which somehow rolled French off my tongue. And I liked the way the bartenders wrapped the fat brown bottle in a white paper napkin, which in the evening heat clung like gauze to a wound. A jazz trio played under the eaves at one end of the courtyard, well enough that I wondered who they’d played with and what they knew. Next to me: a baby-faced accountant, here from Kentucky to audit microcredit payments, Ryan, the only person at the hotel I could stand to drink with.The rest of them were NGO volunteers or medics in for a week, insular, high-minded, and somehow vacant in their mutual moral purpose. Just then, some of them were swimming in the hotel pool, a half dozen American nurses and a pair of Canadian surgeons, playing a game of Marco Polo.

By Tom Chiarella

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I’m going to say this again; the Village Trustafarian didn’t ever have to talk about me to the media at all. He certainly never had to say anything to them or to anyone else in order to defend himself, because I never identified him by name or in any other way online until I saw that he’d gone to the media to talk about me.

I never even told anyone in Burlington who knew him that I had ever had anything to do with him.

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September 28, 2011

RE: Village Trustafarian

People who haven’t been reading my online writing for very long might not know that in my late 20’s I taught myself how to play pool. For a few years, I spent several nights a week in bars, from early in the evening until close, playing pool. I never drank, which is likely one of the reasons that I learned the game quickly and started winning more often than I lost.

I met the Village Trustafarian because he also played pool. People who don’t play pool regularly, or who have never spent any part of their lives regularly going to bars in small towns, might not realize that, once you have established yourself and feel more or less comfortable with the other people you meet who do the same things you do, you don’t worry all that much about who you meet if they don’t seem immediately dangerous or screwed up and you’ve never heard anything bad or anything at all about them from other people in your crowd.

I didn’t try to find out anything about him from the Internet, not even after I’d spent time with him. That wasn’t how my generation grew up finding things out about people. At that time, as I’ve said, I didn’t even have a TV, let alone the Internet, in my apartment. That was by choice, not least because I’d had problems letting go of other people, because I wanted to make myself try to move on from not knowing how to handle the Internet, and because I didn’t care about the Internet that much for its own sake. I felt that I had missed out on a lot of normal, youthful life experiences, and I wanted to go out and meet people, and be young while I still was young, and have fun in the real world as opposed to the virtual one or something given to me by TV or the movies.

That would probably also account for some of the initial hokeyness of parts of my first, few scripts for Friday Night Lights, a few years later. I had watched TV almost not at all for years before I happened to see the show one night when I was at my parents’ house. I think it was on Wednesday nights then. I was over 30 and the first part of my youth was over; I think I ameliorated those issues, though, and I would say that my scripts got more in tune as I wrote more of them.

As far as the Village Trustafarian goes, what I knew about him was that he had a pretty good job, and that he had gone to the same high school that I’d gone to, South Burlington High School. I remember that the night he first stayed at my apartment, I said “I pegged you for a rich kid the first time I saw you,” which was true, but it wasn’t a compliment or something that had drawn me to him at all. What I was thinking of, and what I didn’t tell him, was that the first time I saw him, he had the look of someone who was both spoiled and extremely bored, and something about that said to me, “rich guy who’s not even trying to use half of his brain most of the time, because he knows he’ll never have to.”

The job he had was one I could respect (this was years before I was famous, years before any of the conglomerate’s activities started, before the President we have now was even on people’s national radar, and even now the job wouldn’t be code for anyone or any organization that didn’t want it to be code), but it didn’t say “money,” until later, when I understood that the children of rich people can often take any kind of job they want because they don’t have to worry about money.

The car he drove, which I’d been in so he could drive me home on our one date a couple of weeks before he stayed over at my house, also said nothing more than “from a middle class home, has a job that can afford him an ok used car.”

I was fine with all of the messages about his life that DIDN’T say “rich guy.” I really was; I was used to that with other people. His lack of obvious wealth was one of the only things about him that didn’t make me uncomfortable.

I never knew him and had never heard of him when I was in high school. I didn’t move to South Burlington until a few months before I started high school in that town. He is also 3 years younger than I am, and I had skipped 3^rd grade. An Internet search of his name looks as if he graduated from South Burlington High School in 1996. I graduated in 1991.

The high school from which we’d both graduated had always had a number of students who lived in nice houses and whose parents had seemed to be financially upper middle class. The night he stayed over at my house, he told me he was living in his parents’ house while they were away. He told me the neighborhood, which I recognized, and I didn’t think about any of it more than that.

Millionaires and billionaires weren’t part of my life. I wasn’t on the lookout for them; I never thought about them. Trying to get a rich guy to like me was the farthest thing from my mind.

I can credit my parents for not raising me to be someone who ever cared how much money someone had or didn’t have. I can only imagine what my father would have said to me if he’d ever heard me say a sentence such as…I can’t even write it without both laughing and feeling nauseated, it’s so against everything I was raised to think and do….. “I want to find a rich guy….” Talk about ugh; that is not the mindset I was raised with, not at all.

Everything was settled between us for a long time before he went to the media about me; it was settled, with no more issues that I knew of. Before he did that; for me to have written online about some of what knowing him had been like for me, long after the last time I ever saw him in person, and without identifying him in any way, is something that I think I was within my rights to do.

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October 8, 2011

Re: Audio blog called “castironnerves” on PodBean.com

I now have an audio blog on podbean.com. The name of my blog is “castironnerves.”

I called the audio blog “castironnerves” because, despite both my occasional loss of them and my occasional failure to inspire others to possess them, I like the phrase.

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October 13, 2011

There was only one project that I thought I was going to be able to complete today, and I still haven’t been able to start it.

This is another time when I’m listening to music that reminds me of something in the past so that I can remember what happened.

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October 13, 2011

People can skip the parts of this that they’ve seen me write about before.

When I’ve talked about how I ended up having some issues with men, it wasn’t to say that everything I ever did was right. An explanation for how something happened, or an explanation that’s the best you’ve been able to figure out for why you did things isn’t the same thing as saying “Most reasonable people would look at that behavior and say that it was fine.”

The things that I used to do that made other people unhappy made me unhappy, too. They were things that I did that were driven by unhappiness, that started for a lot of reasons, and that didn’t get better for a while for a lot of reasons.

There’s no getting around the fact that I was traumatized by my first serious experience with mental health care. That trauma made it extremely difficult for me to talk honestly, at first, even to mental health professionals who might have been able to help me if I weren’t too terrified of having them put me back in the hospital for no reason, if I weren’t too terrified of everything in that system, by then, because of what I’d been through with a couple of hospitalizations by the time I was 18 ½.

People who have never been in a small place like Vermont may not realize what it was like there 20 years ago; you can’t walk away from an identity like “She was in the hospital.” I know that it wouldn’t have been as big of a deal if I had grown up in a larger, less conservative, less rural place. Vermont is socially conservative because it’s small and rural and because people from other, more enlightened places only migrated there for a short time, during the 60’s and 70’s. I’ve discussed this before; the children of most of those people fled. For one thing, it’s very difficult to make a living there; even professionals have trouble because there are only so many opportunities.

When I was in the hospital for the first time, at not quite 18, the doctor had said “It’ll be a year to two years” before, in his opinion, I’d be ready to go to college. I remember my father telling me the doctor’s opinion and feeling completely dejected; a year to two years. I was the one who’d asked to be in the hospital, because things felt very off when I got back to the United States from being in Europe for the better part of a year. It’s probably not as bad now, because people who go on those exchange programs probably stay in touch with the people that they care about from home much more easily than they could when I was a teenager. In addition to technology allowing better contact now; I don’t know what the rules are now for the agency that ran the exchange program that I went on, but when I went on their exchange program, part of the program was that it encouraged you to be as much a part of the place that you were in as you could be, even to the point of discouraging you from communicating often with people from home.

A few years after I’d been in the hospital, I heard about other people who’d been on exchange programs as teenagers, not specifically the one I’d been with. Making the transition back to home was more difficult for a lot of people than making the initial transition to the foreign country was. Some people went into their old rooms at their parent’s house and more or less didn’t leave for a year. I’m certainly not the only person who ever had trouble finding the right set of gears to be re-Americanized.

It was a time of transition in other ways, too; I was supposed to go to a very expensive college that I didn’t want to go to and never should have applied to, that had impressed my parents a lot and that I hadn’t known how to get out of once my parents decided that I couldn’t do better. It’s one thing to take on all the debt of an expensive college that you want to go to; it’s another thing to take on all of that debt to go somewhere that you don’t at all want to go to.

I spent all of my life until right before I started high school out in a very rural part of Vermont, which is a rural state anyway. After I skipped 3^rd grade, it was very difficult for me to make friends; before that, it was no problem at all.

I think that that very small, rural part of Vermont was really hard for my parents. As beautiful as rural Vermont is, they were isolated even from Burlington, where there were other people who, like my parents, were transplants from more urban areas outside of Vermont. My parents missed however many years it was, more than a decade, of being around their own friends, of the cultural life that Burlington had to offer, such as it was, of being able to make the other business and social connections that you can make when you don’t have to start your half-hour or more drive back to your house out in the middle of nowhere as soon as you’re done with your extra-long work day, so that you can get home in one piece in your used car in the winter in Vermont.

Vermont’s still a cold place, but 30 years ago the winters were even more severe than they are now. There was no such thing as “no snow” in November, as best I can recall, and it was not all that unusual for it to snow in April. Rural roads also weren’t something that people who have never driven on them probably could imagine; few or no street lights, for one thing. You’re talking roads that maybe the plow did or didn’t get to by the time you’re driving home on them, in the dark at 6:30 at night, with only the lights of your own car and whatever you have been able to afford for snow tires to get you where you’re trying to go.

My parents went through a lot, living out there, at that time. We didn’t move to South Burlington until I was almost done with 8^th grade out in the middle of what was, at the time, really rural Vermont. I don’t think that my parents knew how difficult it was going to be when they bought that house. I don’t know that they knew how isolated they were going to be, how lonely it was going to be for them without other people like them around to talk to and spend time with, how wearing it is to have a heat a large, old schoolhouse by building a fire in the furnace every morning as soon as you get up and every night as soon as you get home. We had the furnace in the basement, and we also had a heat stove in the middle of the living room, with a metal chimney going up from it through the roof to let out the smoke.

I don’t think that my parents knew that what they’d chosen to do was too much for them. They were determined people, and I wonder if they thought it was their own fault that they couldn’t make what they’d chosen work in a way that made them happy. I think they were about 26 when they got married, and it’s not as if even middle class people have always had a holistic way of looking at their own lives. They fought a lot, and I didn’t really have very many people my own age to spend time with, didn’t have a lot of activities to be part of, so I got emotionally tied in with my parents in a way that I think made my psychological separation from them very difficult when, only a few years after we moved from rural Vermont to South Burlington, I was 18 and of the traditional age to go to college and start learning how to be an adult.

Then there’s the fact that the mental health care system in Vermont doesn’t like to let people move on, either; it never has.

Whether or not you start out warped when you first try to get help for your emotional issues, or during important transition times in your life, if you’re not fortunate in those attempts, you can end up really damaged just from those attempts. That’s in addition to the fact that you didn’t get help with what you first needed help with; you get more and serious problems added on to the problems you already knew or could feel without articulating it that you had.

Wounds of all kinds don’t necessarily get better on their own. I don’t know how many years ago it was that I thought to myself a rephrasing of a popular idea, “Whatever doesn’t kill me can make me sick for a long time.”

I’m not sure exactly why I started overcommunicating with people, but that problem wasn’t limited to overcommunication with men with whom a relationship had ended. I used the word “relationship” without a specific meaning here; I mean it to include all situations that fall under the category of “Having To Do With Dating.” I don’t know when it was that I got the habit of leaving a million messages on people’s voicemails, such as for therapists, lawyers, and so on.

I do think it had something to do with, after fighting it as much and for as long as I could, having accepted for myself, for several years, the identity of being “mentally ill,” with all that what goes along with the stigma for it implies. When you are someone that people talk TO and AROUND, when you are someone whom people literally talk around even as they’re talking about you, as if you’re not there at all, which is what started happening to me as soon as I was in the hospital the first time, the belief that it doesn’t matter how much you say because nobody’s listening anyway gets firmly entrenched in your psyche without you even thinking about it or knowing that that’s how you’ve learned to think about yourself. You talk, or you write, or you leave voicemail messages, or text messages, either because you don’t think that what you’re saying is going to affect the person that you’re communicating your own thoughts to, or to get your feelings out while you also don’t really think that your communication directly to the person is going to affect that person any more than if you were writing a letter that you then tore up and didn’t ever send or show to anyone.

I also think that people who knew I’d been in the hospital got more scared of my excessive communication than people who didn’t know it got. I think that people who didn’t know it got annoyed or maybe nervous for a little while, but, since they didn’t know that I had a psychiatric history, they didn’t avoid me when I saw them around or get extra spooked; they thought I was annoying and didn’t want to talk to me much, but it wasn’t some massive scare. Interestingly, those were people it was easier to stop over-communicating with; they didn’t shy away from me, or make a big deal out of my annoying behavior, or feel they needed to do much except ignore me or say “Quit it” a couple of times until I did. They didn’t get extra mad, either; it was probably more flattering for them than anything else. “Hey, another letter; I am SUCH a stud.”

Since I’m talking about this issue again, I feel this isn’t a bad time to say this. There was one guy that I had trouble ceasing to write and call who did something others didn’t do; he would sometimes stay on the phone and say cruel, self-serving things to me. I remember once he answered the phone and, after haranguing me for several minutes, said “I know you’re happy as s— because I picked up the phone on the 5^th ring.” It is a coincidence that that was exactly what he said.

I never had as much trouble ceasing to contact men I’d known who didn’t want to talk to me anymore as when I was taking psychiatric medication and going to counseling. That is a fact; the worst cases of it occurred when I was taking medication and going to counseling, and they got better when I stopped doing those things.

I’m sure counseling can be useful, and some people like medication or at least have been made to think that they like it. I think that my own, improved mental health, such as I’ve been able to make it, has been a combination of the parts of counseling and other people trying to help me that did help, ceasing to take medication, which more than one psychiatrist said would probably be ok, and was not only ok but much better, and going through enough of life to learn what to do and what not to do at least some of the time.

October 13, 2011

The night that the Village Trustafarian stayed over at my apartment for the first time, I said, on the way to the apartment “All I want to do is make out,” he replied “I would love to make out with you,” and, as far as I’m concerned, that should have been all we did. I don’t think that when someone tells you “All I want to do is make out” you should then do or say anything to try to get the person to do more. I don’t think that you should push for it, and I also don’t think that you should try to manipulate or persuade the person into doing more than he or she said that he or she wanted to do.

He is in a very small category of people who ever tried to push me or persuade me into doing more than I had said, and continued to say throughout the night, that I wanted to do; the entire encounter was not usual for me, for that reason, for the fact of him continuing to try to get more all the time.

There isn’t anything that we did, until the moment in the morning when he persuaded me to be naked, that wasn’t still just making out.

In the morning, we were on my bed. I guess I was topless at that point, and had been for a few hours; we both were. We took a break from making out and were talking. I ended up telling him that I had a psychiatric history; it was early, and we’d been together for several hours. I was trusting him more by then. It was hours after one time of telling him, soon after he got to my apartment and was trying to undo my shirt, “Stop,” and “If you don’t think you can take “no” for an answer then you’ll have to leave,” and then one, less stressful moment a few hours later when he’d backed away from me for a minute to say “I don’t want to stop,” which was a pretty respectful way to repeat his interest in doing more than making out, to which I’d also said no and after which he’d stopped asking for more.

We had been talking, quietly and in a relaxed way, about a lot of things. Somehow I ended up telling him that I hadn’t slept with very many people, and that I’d been a virgin until 2 years before I met him; I was 29 when we were having that conversation. My mentioning that I had a psychiatric history and had had trouble getting my life started was part of explaining why I’d been a virgin for a lot longer than a lot of Americans are.

I could feel the change in him, when I told him that I had the psychiatric history. I know that in those few minutes, after my telling him that, I went, in his mind, from being “cool girl that I finally got to make out with” to whatever it is that people list in their minds under “things that most people think about people who have psychiatric histories,” and that I took an immediate plummet, as a person, in his estimation. I also knew that I would never look the same to him again, that he’d never treat me the same way, that whatever he’d thought of me up until then would from then on be something else because of what I’d told him.

After hours of kissing him, which happened after weeks of him showing his interest in me every time I saw him around, all of a sudden I was someone else to him. I knew that that was what had happened; it had happened with other people, too, whether they were friends or employers or whatever they were. Sometimes it didn’t seem to happen, with some people, which was why I hadn’t given myself a rule of being wary about discussing it with anyone, no matter what, without getting to know them for a long time first.

To his credit, he didn’t jump out of my bed and start saying “Thishasbeengreatgottagoseeyalaterbye.” I’m not sure what he said for a few minutes. I do remember him saying slowly, as if figuring it out “So, I’m making out with a teenager?”which perhaps was him talking half to himself to understand what my reluctance to do more than he had wanted to do was about.

Lack of experience wasn’t all it was for me. I still think it’s better not to sleep with someone the first time that you’re with the person, or the second time, or for a lot of times. It’s too much, and whether men always want to admit that about themselves or not, and whatever it is that society has said about men being able to handle casual sex or sex with people whom they don’t know vs. women not being able to do that is irrelevant. There are women who can handle having casual sex, and there are men who can’t. However, I do think that it takes too much from anyone who does it, most of the time. It’s a lot to be naked in front of someone, especially someone you don’t know. Even if the other person is the nicest person in the world, it crosses a lot of boundaries at once, and I think it asks a lot of both of you; at the least, it’s a lot of extra mental processing to feel and behave in a normal way around the person after that, for a while, if you don’t take your time to get to know each other first.

Plus, I’ve always been a fan of kissing. The more, the better. You can’t really have too much kissing.

That was some of the reason that I hadn’t wanted to do more than make out.

Another part of the reason was that all of my experiences with intercourse, even in those 2 years, had been bad experiences; all of them. I’ve said a lot about the therapist I was seeing at the time that I met the Village Trustafarin. One thing that I haven’t written about online for a couple of years, and which I didn’t save online anywhere, is that that therapist didn’t care whether or not I enjoyed sex, ever. All I had to do was tell her that I wasn’t that into someone to have her telling me that my expectations for myself and other people were too high. I think I can safely say that, although smart in some ways, she was Not Smart in other ways, and that wasn’t unusual for other, female therapists her age whom I’d seen since I was a late teen. They were of another time, born, raised and educated when women were expected not to enjoy sex and they hadn’t grown past that time. Their business was being therapists, which meant that they always had more power than their clients, which is how it always is. In however many decades that they’d practiced counseling, there had never been any way for the people whom they counseled to say “The way you see things is outdated,” or even know that that’s what they should say. I’m not even saying that the therapists I saw who had outdated ideas meant to be malicious or harmful, or excessively controlling; they didn’t know they were doing anything that was wrong, that was antiquated and bad for people. They went with what they knew. Counseling and all mental health care is unusual that way; much of it is about what people think. Even when it’s a beneficial process, it’s still about people thinking and talking, in a situation in which it’s usually one therapist and one client. The fact that much of mental health care is subjective is not a fact that I’ve discovered while writing this essay. It’s not bad that mental health care is about thinking and talking; however, it does make the profession vulnerable to problems that aren’t as obvious in other kinds of healthcare. One problem is that the therapist almost always wins in a dispute between the client and the therapist about what’s best for the client. Another problem is that the ambiguities and many ways of feeling and looking about things, the subjectivity of humans and their views about themselves and other people and the world, has made the practice of mental health care a victim of pharmaceutical companies and I guess also insurance companies. Generic Prozac can cost less than $10 per month. A therapist who charges less than $100 per session, once a week, isn’t charging all that much as therapists go.

There are all kinds of ways to exploit mental health care clients, the way that the profession has now, badly, developed. Some of those forms of exploitation probably aren’t intentional, usually on the part of the therapist and/or psychiatrist; if it has become accepted in the mental health profession that “there are a lot of people who are born with mental, chemical imbalances, who will always need medication and counseling,” that also means that you can keep someone in that chair across from you, week after week and year after year, without working all that much to help him or her get over his or her problems. If you keep the clients that way, then you don’t have to worry as much about the fact that insurance companies don’t want to pay you very much and that you can’t raise your rates. You also don’t have to think about what the person is saying in order to figure out what his or her real problems are, because it has now been agreed by a lot of people in your profession that “some people are sick and there’s only so much you can do for them.” You don’t even have to listen that much; you can sit there and let the person talk, while you think about what you’re going to do after work, or you can say the same things to him or her that you said the week before, or that you say to a lot of other clients.

For the first year that I started seeing the therapist that I was still seeing when I met the Village Trustafarian, I wrote down everything she said to me. I bought one notebook after another, and I wrote down every word she said. Then, when I was at home, I’d re-read what she’d said. That’s how desperate I was to help myself start to live a normal life. I thought that if I kept working at it, if I just worked at it hard enough, maybe the misery that I’d lived in since I was 18 would end and that, finally, at 27 ½ , with this therapist whom I’d never worked with before, I could do better, I could be all right.

That was, alas, not what happened.

I started to see her when I was 27 ½ and extremely poor. She was nice to me in 2 ways. One is that she lowered her rates for me a lot. She wanted to see me twice a week, which she thought was best because I’d just had a major upheaval in my life. She didn’t take my insurance, so she charged me a very reduced rate until I was working enough, got better insurance, and could pay her. She often, during the first year, also would let me build up a bill with her until I could pay her.

The other thing she did was not to worry too much about the fact that I had, by then, a long psychiatric history. She said that about herself, she said “A lot of therapists wouldn’t want to see you,” which obviously isn’t THE nicest thing she could have said but which was also, to a certain extent, true.

She was someone who I think started out in life as a smart, nice person who somehow got a lot less nice and actually less smart as she got older. I started seeing her when she was making that transition in her own life; I saw it happen.

In some ways, she was erudite. She said some things that I might never have heard somewhere else, and that were very helpful.

As far as advising me about men, I have to give her a grade of “0” out of infinity, or a large, negative number.

Even before I had met the Village Trustafarian, I had tried to tell her that sex was painful, for months, in a situation that she had pressured me to stay in despite everything I told her about it, and she said, every time I tried to talk to her about it “What does it matter if you have an orgasm during sex as long as you have an orgasm?” That, of course, is all wrong. It’s not as if she were saying “There’s more than one way to have a good sex life,” or “Maybe it’s because you haven’t been having sex for very long and you need to figure out how to make it work for you,” or anything that allowed for real discussion or future improvements. It was as close to “Nice girls don’t like sex, so, really, what you’re telling me is great” as anyone in her profession could get away with saying past the year 2000.

There’s no reason that intercourse should only be enjoyed by men. Especially to say that it doesn’t matter if sex not only doesn’t feel good but HURTS every time you have it, even when you’ve tried to describe other things about the person that make you unhappy, and to insist that you’re right and your client is wrong ALL the time, and then to say “You think that what I’m telling you is the absolute truth, and all I’m doing is giving you another perspective,” as if it were at all true that I was ever the one between her and me who ever thought that what she was saying to me, about my life, was the absolute truth and not something that she repeated over all of my attempts to tell her what was going on; I had problems before I started seeing her, and she made it all much worse. I tried, just like I tried to tell her what it was that had made me be a very unkind person in some ways before I started seeing her, to which she always said “No, you were sick,” instead of just letting me TELL her what had happened, so that I could help myself recover as a person.

I had no problem resisting the Village Trustafarian throughout the first night that he wanted to have sex with me because the best that had ever happened to me in regard to intercourse was that there was one time that I could remember that it hadn’t hurt.

I am running out of time today, and I want to get this done. There may be some editing that I didn’t do, that it could use. I may even repeat myself in it; I really have to complete it today, I don’t have anywhere to store it without putting it into my e-mail, where it will be read by the conglomerate, who will then think of ways to malign me about it before I’m able to put it on the Internet.

After I’d told the Village Trustafarian that I had a psychiatric history, after I’d watched about half of his feelings shut off within a few minutes of my having told him, he said something like “We shouldn’t press—“ meaning that we shouldn’t press whatever our night of kissing might lead to as far as getting to know each other more. Maybe he just wanted to hear more about what had happened, or to observe me more for a while, to make sure I wasn’t unstable, before deciding that his initial perceptions of me were the right ones; I don’t know.

No matter whether you are sure that you really like someone or not, I don’t know how many people there are who could spend a night kissing someone who had seemed to be, if you’ll pardon the expression, crazy about them, then tell that same person something very personal in the morning and see the person pull away without feeling a heartbeat of self-protective concern. Without thinking about it, I put my hand on his arm in a frightened way. He stopped in mid-sentence of “We shouldn’t press.”

It’s not as if I had all of a sudden decided that I wanted to have sex with him. It’s also not as if I had all of a sudden decided that I wanted him to be my boyfriend.

We talked for a while longer, about other things, but I was much more insecure by then than I had been at any time since meeting him.

At that time, I had finally tried out getting waxed, which I had thought was really funny. I thought it was funny that waxing had turned into an important part of dating in the years from the time I left college just before I turned 23 and the age of 29. Also at that time, and probably at least partially because of my upbringing, with a mother who, thankfully, did believe in feminism at least while I was a child and even once gave me a copy of “Our Bodies, Ourselves” as a present, I mentioned to him that I’d gotten a bikini wax. He asked me if he could see it. Because it had been hours since he’d pressured or even asked me to do more than make out, it didn’t occur to me that he might have other reasons for wanting to see the results of my bikini wax besides thinking my story was funny and wanting to hear more about my funny story.

I hesitated, and then I took the rest of my clothes off.

He instantly started to turn the moment into more sexual activity. He moved over on the bed and started to perform oral sex on me. I said “no,” and he looked up at me for a minute and then continued.

I wasn’t all that comfortable with him doing that. I guess I don’t entirely feel the need to defend myself about having conflicting feelings about that moment but then not pushing him away and saying “GET OUT NOW!” Things weren’t the same for me that morning as they’d been the night before. I had felt that I had gotten to know him a little more, and much of the making out part of the night had been fine. It’s entirely possible to not be comfortable with something, do it anyway and then feel bad about it later.

Even though he didn’t take my “no” for an answer, I let him continue, despite my reservations, because he had surprised me. I also let him continue for the reasons I’ve just listed in the previous paragraph and because, even though I wasn’t really ready for him to do that, I’d had oral sex before and it had never hurt. I didn’t have any reason to think that it would be physically painful.

I started to show a physical response to what he was doing. It wasn’t a loud response, but he heard it. He stopped and said “Should we have sex?”

In less than a second, all of the following thoughts went through my mind. Here’s what they were:

–I haven’t known him for very long and I don’t know what he’ll do if I say “no.” He’s pressured me this past night, in a way that made me feel uncomfortable and that I’ve rarely and maybe never felt before. I can’t predict what he’ll do if I say “NO.”

–Even if I do say no, there’s no way I could EVER successfully get him prosecuted for rape, if he rapes me now. I am naked. He’s been here all night. He’s just been going down on me for a few minutes. There is no way that I could get believed; it wouldn’t even go to court.

–It will hurt a lot less for me not to say “No,” if rape is what he’s planning to do if I say “No.”

–I need to give him a condom; at least, I can get him to wear one.

I didn’t say anything back. I reached over to the top drawer of the short bureau next to my bed, took out a condom and gave it to him.

He got up and took the rest of his clothes off. The sun was shining through the windows and, for the first time, I saw his whole body. I said the first thing that crossed my mind, which was a true thought that anyone could have about him, and I said it, even in the midst of my jumbled, emotional state in which I didn’t know what I was feeling or thinking. I said “You’re really hot.” He was. I said it with no real tone in my voice. As I’ve said much of the night had been positive once he’d seemed to accept and stay with my statement that I didn’t want to do more than make out. He was all of a sudden back to being the guy who wanted to get what he wanted, and part of my mind still thought it was talking to the guy who he’d been when he wasn’t acting that way.

He said, “Thanks. You’re a sweetheart.”

Then he got back on the bed and had sex with me. I lay there. He didn’t ask me how I felt or anything about it, or even look at me as far as I know, until it was over.

He asked me, when it was over, if I’d had an orgasm or been close to one. I said “No.” He said “I’ll get you off sometime,” and indicated that he was too tired from the night of having made out with me, with no release until the end, to worry about that right now. Then he fell asleep.

I thought about making him leave my apartment that minute. I didn’t know what to do. What I do remember is something I’d never felt before, and have never felt since; my body was sad for me. I’d never in my life felt a feeling in such a physical way as I did that morning. I didn’t know, intellectually, what I was feeling, and what happened mentally was a thought that passed through my mind, once I’d been feeling that feeling for a minute or two, that I was so full of sadness that only my skin was holding it back.

It didn’t have anything to do with not having had an orgasm. It’s true that it hurt, physically, when he had sex with me, more than it ever had with anyone except for when I stopped being a virgin. There was that, and then….I’ve never fully analyzed all the reasons that I felt that way, that morning.

I didn’t make him leave. I was on a medication that gave me chronic insomnia, so I also had to take medication to sleep. I took a pill of one of the medications that made me sleep, and I feel asleep on the bed next to him but not touching him.

When I tried to tell the therapist what had happened, how I hadn’t wanted to have sex with him and he’d manipulated me into it, she did the same thing she always did, which was to tell me I was wrong.

I never wanted to see him again. She didn’t listen. She didn’t care what I thought about anything.

I really wanted to have my love life be a real love life, and I really tried, and had tried for a long time, to do what the therapist thought I should do and to listen to the things she told me about myself.

I called him within a day or two after that night, to tell him that he’d left his watch at my apartment. He said he’d come over and get it. Even he knew better than the therapist what had really happened. He expressed it on the phone when we talked about that night. He said, in a tone of not being sure, without my having said it first or accused him of anything “I didn’t force myself on you.” Having been forced back into 1950’s-style female servitude by the therapist, whom I was then paying a sizeable amount of my small income, almost half the amount I paid for rent each month, I said “No.”

He also said, either in that phone call or another one, that what he’d done had been “An a—hole move.”

The second time he was at my house, he went down on me before we had sex. He didn’t stop in the middle. He didn’t force me to do anything. Intercourse was no more enjoyable for me the second time than it had been the first time; physically, that was certainly true, and I’d been talked out of having better expectations for it by Ms. I-Didn’t-Notice-Women’s-Lib-Ever-Happened.

We never had sex again, or even close to it. I was really ambivalent about the relationship, couldn’t get comfortable with him, couldn’t talk to him about anything that had happened or what I was feeling, even though he’d shown that he wanted to be as nice to me as he knew how to be.

We didn’t see each other even for as long as a month. I told him I didn’t want to continue.

I was lonely and I was confused. The therapist kept telling me, about everything in my life, that I was wrong in what I thought. I asked him back once, after I’d told him I didn’t want to see him anymore; we didn’t have sex. He slept in my bed until the extremely loud winds that always howled past the windows of my apartment woke him up in the middle of that night. He got up and went home.

The next time we talked on the phone, I know that I was ambivalent and reluctant again. He said “If you’re not as into it as I am, then we should stop. We’ll see each other around.”

I didn’t lose it right away. My mental state got worse, in all ways, as I continued to see the therapist. I didn’t start communicating with him in an excessive way until months later, when I got a cell phone for the first time and was learning about how to text people. I sent him a text which was meant as a joke; I texted “Fine. Don’t call, don’t write, mean a—hole.” He texted back saying “I think you must mean someone else.” I don’t remember what I texted back, but he then texted me “Stop texting me!”

The therapist couldn’t help me understand and stop my subsequent excessive communication to him, just as she hadn’t been able to help me understand it and stop it with another person previous to him until I’d stopped on my own. When you have a lot of feelings that you have nobody to help you with, you want to sort them out, and if all you know how to do is express them, you do that, especially if that part of your life has been so bad for so long that you never stop feeling bad. It’s like any other thing that people do repeatedly when they’re out of balance; for a little while, when you do it, you feel better, but it has bad consequences and can be upsetting to other people.

I never threatened him, and, really, honestly, there was nothing about my behavior toward him that had to do with him having a lot of money. I’ve thought before of making a joke out of that, by saying, “No, really, I’ve stalked plenty of people who didn’t have any money!” There, there’s my joke.

I also don’t think that “stalking” is the appropriate word if all you’re doing is sending someone letters or otherwise over-communicating. I never threatened him, not even in an indirect way. I never followed him around; in fact, I tried to stay away from the places that I knew he most liked to be. It wasn’t always easy to think of a reason not to go to his favorite places, since the other people I knew weren’t close to him but also went to those places and I’d been to them plenty of times. I knew that things had gone wrong, and I tried to be as responsible about it as I could.

Run-on sentence because I have to go:

He went away for a while, probably to stay with his parents in another state until I stopped writing to him, since he knew I had a psychiatric history and was probably thinking to himself “How crazy is she,” and also, let’s be honest “My parent live in a nice, warm place that I love to visit. It’s cold here in Vermont. It’s not BAD to say that there’s a crazy woman writing me letters and how about I stay with my nice folks in their nice, warm state for a while. Not every crisis in life is all bad.”

After he got back, we ran into each other once, in a parking lot while I was out for a run. I said “I spend half my day trying to avoid you. You’re probably the same.” He looked away and said “Yeah.” The next edition of the free newspaper “Seven Days” had an I Spy in it that said:

“I spy an ageless mountain mama in pigtails. Forever beautiful, sweet sixteen. When you come to the “Y” in the road, take the path less traveled. Good luck.”

I thought that was a friendly thing for him to have written. To be truthful, I have to write what the ad said, although of course I would prefer not to mention the word “pig” about myself, since the conglomerate hasn’t stopped calling me one. There were a few ups and downs after that, while I figured out that we weren’t going to be friends and that I didn’t really want that anyway. I guess maybe I started texting him again after that, which was part of my having problems and wasn’t about him; when you have a mental disturbance, the people who take on the part of being in the center of that disturbance at any given time are irrelevant in terms of who they are and what happened. You may vary the things you say from one person to another, according to what it was like to know them, but underneath it all is the same problem, which is that no matter what you’re feeling you don’t have the capability to handle and resolve your feelings in a healthy way.

The morning after the first night that he’d stayed in my apartment, he’d gotten a text message from a female friend of his very early in the morning, maybe 6:00 a.m.. He also told me, that morning, that she was someone he’d slept with. There was one time, maybe a couple of months after the I Spy that I texted him something that I meant to be nice, and only friendly, early in the morning. He called my phone and left an angry message. Then the girlfriend he got after he and I were over called my phone, from his phone, and said “This is my boyfriend’s phone. He’s not here right now.” She sounded really hurt, upset, so I texted back to his phone “I’m sorry. Tell her I’m sorry, too,” and stopped communicating with him completely.

Several weeks later, she showed up at my job looking like she wanted a fight. I went into the back room and let the other person working there wait on her.

I didn’t ever have any intention or desire to take him from her; there was nothing for us to fight about.

I wrote him a letter in December of some year, I think maybe 2006, a short letter saying that I had seen that the house he’d been staying in where I’d sent most of my letters when I’d been writing to him was for sale. I said “I hope you’re not selling that house because of me, because of being afraid of me. I’m sorry about how I handled things.”

He wrote back and said “No, my parent own the house and they’re selling it. It has nothing to do with you. Don’t worry about it; it’s all in the past. I wish you the best.”

After I’d been getting severely harassed by someone else, there was one time that I went to where he worked. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with the other person, if I was going to end up trying to press charges to in court with him, so I wanted to talk to the Village Trustafarian and see how he was thinking about me, to know if I had to worry that, in a small town, his opinion of my character would be a problem. He didn’t come out to talk to me, and I left, and didn’t go back.

When I’d started getting stalked online by that other person, who also was calling first my cellphone and then the landline where I was staying at my parents’ house, and who was putting up hundreds of fake websites with my name in them, with sexual and threatening language, I did write the Village Trustafarian one e-mail, having found his e-mail address online. I wanted him to know that I hadn’t suddenly lost it and started posting things about myself. I told him, briefly, what was going on, and asked him not to write back to me, that all I had wanted was for him to be informed.

I did see it when he and his girlfriend got engaged. They put a notice in the paper. Not having any idea how engagement announcements or wedding announcements worked, I was worried that maybe there wasn’t a picture with the announcement because they were scared of me. I e-mailed him something that he probably didn’t understand at all, like “I saw that you got engaged. You don’t have to worry about me in regard to that.”

This is not something that I wrote with a lot of happy feelings. I now understand what is meant by it when it’s said “You live it twice” about people who do get seriously raped and have to talk about it to people who are out to get them, as the conglomerate is out to get me. I’ve always said that what happened with the Village Trustafarian wasn’t like a brutal, intentional rape, that it was accurate to say that he had manipulated me and that he later knew, on his own, that he’d made a mistake, and that he was sorry for it. If I had been able to respond to his apology in a way that wasn’t repressed and distorted, I don’t think that things would have gotten to my being mentally disrupted about him. I don’t think we should have or would have ended up together for a long time, ever, but things didn’t have to happen the way they did. What I did when I couldn’t deal with things that went wrong in my dating life was the only coping skill I had, for everything that ever went wrong in my dating life.

I think that’s it, about that story. I absolutely cannot edit this, write more about it or anything at all. It’s getting late to find a bed at a shelter and I have to go.

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October 15, 2011

Re: Stalked by Garbage and Recycling Trucks

So far this morning, I don’t seem to have been stalked by streetsweeping machines. However, when I was standing outside of The Women’s Center, waiting for it to open, an orange truck that said “The Works,” on it, as in the Department of Public Works, pulled up across the street. The truck also had a number 23 on it. It was a garbage truck. The two men who were with it emptied the garbage from the front of two houses, then drove the truck across the street and around the corner, where they parked it again, still visible from where I was.

A few minutes after that, a recycling truck pulled up in front of The Women’s Center and took the recycling away.

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October 15, 2011

Why do people who ridicule me for having a psychiatric history also hold me responsible for every psychological problem I’ve ever had?

(I’m at the Boston Public Library. The harassment started within a minute of my signing into the computer.)

I was the one who asked for therapy, in my late teens. I didn’t know the therapist or what she’d be like before I saw her; she was the first of many who did more harm than good. I also asked to be in the hospital, when therapy didn’t seem to be working. I didn’t know what the hospital would be like; it was devastating, and then, after that, the hospital and things like it started to seem like the only things I was good for, anymore, because I didn’t think of myself as a real person, with rights, after the people who told me how I had to think about myself from then on had gotten to me.

I developed coping skills that were bad coping skills, but how is that my fault? I went to therapy again after I’d been in the hospital; I went for years. When one therapist didn’t help, I tried another. I went to psychiatrists, too, along with seeing therapists; a lot of people do that, because they get told that they need to do that in order to have the best chance of having a successful life. The psychiatrists are the ones who prescribe the drugs, often at the request of a therapist who has no medical training at all. I’ve never been so miserable, so dysfunctional, and so far gone as a person as when I was going to counseling and on medication. If there were times when I stopped doing one or both of those things, it was because I realized that they weren’t helping me, or because I’d outgrown the therapy and didn’t need the medication. If I kept doing some of the same behavior for a while after I’d stopped going to therapy or taking medication, the bad behavior didn’t last for as long and was never as severe as when I was going to therapy and taking medication.

It seems to me that, at one time, it was about to be common knowledge that medical science has always favored men, has always seen the male human being as the archetype of the species and the female human being as the inferior version. There are some physical variances between men and women, and men do tend to be physically stronger. However, for the things that matter the most, such as the ability to develop intelligence and character, there’s no reason to distinguish between men and women.

It seems to me that something has slowed and is distorting the true, accurate progression of thought about what it means not only to be female and male, but what it means to be a human being and a person. By no means was I the first woman to be more damaged than helped by mental health care; however, now that system is harming everyone, men, women and children….even pets can’t escape it.

I would still go to therapy, but it’s a risk. The discussion of my psychiatric history is a risk. You always get asked “Have you been in counseling before? Have you been in the hospital? Have you taken medication? Have you had a diagnosis?” It’s not the safest conversation in the world; it takes a lot of negotiating skills to have that conversation and not end up feeling like you need to start slowly backing out of the office, saying “Thanks for your time. I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

I still have muscle stiffness from nerve damage done to my index fingers when I was on psychiatric medication before. I’ve had it for years now; I don’t know that it will ever go away. I’m relatively lucky, as far as that kind of damage goes. Some people get physically contorted in ways that are very obvious and disfiguring and that never go away, even if they stop taking medication after they’ve gotten tardive dyskinesia.

There’s a lot of insensitivity about mental health issues in the world, and very little understanding about what people who end up in that system go through, and about what it does to them. Much of what people think of when they think of the stereotype of someone who is mentally ill involves behavior, appearance and a lifestyle that are results not of mental illness but of the fact that mental health care is light years behind every other kind of health care. How many doctors could hurt one patient after another throughout their entire careers and not only never be sued but be applauded as being good doctors? Everything that’s wrong with the mental health care system gets blamed on the patients in it; it has always been that way.

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October 17, 2011

To The Young and Monstrous

Re: Your promotion of the conglomerate’s agenda

I finally realized something about you. Not only do you have no idea what the lives of most adults are like, you have no idea what the lives of most children, teenagers and even people your own age are like.

From at least the time that you were young adolescents, you have had more money and power than most of the adults around you. You had more money and power even than the nonprofessional children of rich people, because you had the power of the people who employed you to counteract whatever influence your own parents might have wanted to exert over you, which might have been for your own good if it had been possible to exert successfully.

Most people, for good or for bad, have to do what their parents tell them to do for a long time. A lot of working people who reach adult age still remain dependent on their parents to help them financially, and so have to negotiate the personal relationships that they have with their parents and even with other members of their families around financial issues. I’ll sum up some of the side issues with nonparental family members with these sentences: “You gave him/her more!” and “What do the relatives know?” That’s true even of people whose families aren’t abusive to them, at all socioeconomic levels. Money is almost always a difficult subject, for most people.

You have no idea what it feels like to be subjected to parental control the way that most people are. You have no idea what you’re doing, adding the terrible burden of the threat of child molestation to the lives of millions of human beings who already have to do what their parents and the other adults around them tell them to do, all the time.

No matter how many ads for child actors, models, singers or anything else that you put on your blogs, there will never be a fraction of the opportunities available that would be needed to give every child and teenager whose life you’re negatively affecting the chance to escape his or her misery.

As for everything else, all of the other issues you’ve been endorsing; it seems that you think that those issues don’t affect you, and, to a certain extent, you’re right.

I’ve already mentioned that the rich and famous women who have been endorsing the issues are unlikely to be as affected as the millions of women whom their behavior is harming EVERY DAY. If the effects haven’t yet reached everyone in the entire world, know that it is the intention of the conglomerate that those effects will not only reach the entire world, but that more things will happen as a result of those effects, things that you can’t even imagine. Everyone who contributes to the conglomerate’s behavior is contributing to a worldwide destabilization of human rights, and destabilization is only the first stage when the goal is overthrow and then total dominance and control. The conglomerate is decimating the future of humanity.

As for the rich and famous men, in particular:

You are not the first, intended victims of all of the abuse that’s being endorsed by the conglomerate, although I’m sure that you’ve felt the edge of that abuse used against you every time that you’ve tried to exercise anything resembling independent thought. You own subjugation to the conglomerate’s demands notwithstanding, you are enjoying certain advantages that go with being of the dominant gender in a group that seeks to dominate according to and through gender. All of the power that you have been enjoying from those advantages is power that you don’t deserve; they are stolen advantages, and it is stolen power, taken at the cost of other people’s freedom, health, happiness, their very lives.

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October 30, 2011

The last time that I tried to get into my audio blog from here I couldn’t do it, so I’m going to try to put this in “ireallyprotest” on WordPress.

I don’t put code in the times at which I publish things. Yesterday, I noticed that I had forgotten to put “Copyright” with the time and date at which I published something I had put on my audio blog. As soon as I noticed that omission, I put the copyright there, with the time at which I put it there.

I thought that people might figure out that I’d forgotten the copyright notice, but, whether they figured it out or not, that’s what happened.

The blog is slow today, so I’m going to put my copyright notice on this Word document, with this time, because I only have a few minutes and can’t afford to have the blog stall while I try to put the exact time at which I publish this.

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October 31, 2011

Re: Privacy at shelters

Another reason that the conglomerate’s behavior is bad is that, when I talk about ways in which I’ve been abused at shelters because of the conglomerate’s influence, I’m putting public attention on those shelters. In some ways, that’s good, but in other ways, it isn’t.

Especially in the situations in which the behavior of some of the staff at women’s day shelters has been badly influenced by what’s happening, and I’ve felt I needed to write about that online in order to protect myself or others, a casualty of that process is privacy for those shelters. There are women who are homeless or who live in shelters and then also go to day shelters because they are fleeing abusive relationships. I’m not sure that it’s good that, while documenting my own experiences, I have had to bring the attention of however many people who read my blogs to the places where those women go.

It’s not as if the people who are abusive to those homeless women couldn’t have found all of the places I’ve talked about on their own, even if those shelters didn’t have their own websites. However, it’s still extra attention.

This time, I’ve tried to follow my improved method of copyrighting, which is to publish what I wrote first, look at it on the blog, and then put the copyright notice at the end of the page that’s already been published. I have the time to do that right now, but I don’t always have that time.

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October 31, 2011

Re: The times at which I publish things/issues of time/shelter bed availability/The Quincy shelter/harassment/safety issues

The explanation that I gave yesterday on this blog about one of my copyright notices on my audio blog, castironnerves2, was something I wrote only because I knew that that copyright notice didn’t look like anything I’ve ever published before. I’ve already talked a lot about how I don’t put code in times, that the only thing I’ve ever done in terms of times was sometimes wait until it wasn’t a certain time before publishing something, and that that was something I didn’t want to do, either, because it took up time and also because world events hinging on what time I publish things is a bad idea and unfair to everyone.

Sometimes, I have added an extra “No Code” notice when I wanted to make it very clear to the conglomerate and everyone else that I’m not trying to be unnecessarily disparaging to someone. I’ve done that because I’ve noticed that the conglomerate is as cruel to the people who do what it wants as it is to the people who don’t; that is only one of the ways in which it is a real dictatorship. I do feel that the fact that I’ve said, many times, that there isn’t any code in what I write unless I say that there is ought to cover those issues.

I didn’t take the time to put copyright notices on everything I put on podbean on Saturday.

Maybe people don’t realize that getting back to a shelter to get a bed is a serious issue, that only a few minutes can mean that someone else gets a bed for the night and I don’t. That’s true for shelters everywhere, and they fill up much more quickly and more fully now, in the colder months, than they did during the summer and the first few weeks of fall.

Yesterday, even though I got back to Intake shelter by 2:30 p.m., I waited outside for 2 hours before I got a bed. When I first got there, they said that there weren’t any beds available and that they were waiting for some to be available. I would say that sometimes that might be true, and that sometimes somebody who works there decides to lie and say that there aren’t any beds available when there are, for me and for other people whom whoever is lying and colluding in the lie don’t always want to let in for one reason or another. It isn’t supposed to be that way; it’s supposed to be that people who show up first who aren’t barred get the beds, in the order in which those people get there.

As far as the times when I’ve been barred; that’s always been as a result of being provoked, either by other guests of the shelters or by staff. My being barred for 30 days at the Quincy shelter will be over on November 6th.

The Quincy shelter has the advantage of being a place where I have been able to get back later, because there are buses that leave from Intake and go out to Quincy throughout the afternoon and into the evening. However, the Quincy shelter is also filling up much more quickly now that it’s cold. Also, the Quincy shelter and everything about getting there, being there, and leaving there makes it the most dangerous of the shelters where I’ve been. The men and the women mix the most at that shelter, which isn’t necessarily immediately dangerous all the time. However, I am always aware when I’m there that there are a lot of homeless men around; of those men, some have a lot of issues.

That shelter is a big place, with hallways and stairways that you have to go through in order to get to the cafeteria and back. At least one of the men’s dorms is right outside the women’s dorm. I am always on my guard when I’m there, and every time that I’ve been there I’ve been continuously harassed. When you have a lot of people in a place, the couple of people who might harass you in a smaller population is not a couple of people but more than that, and that means being harassed every few minutes. When that goes on for days in a row, eventually I lose my temper and I did that the last time I was there, and got barred for a month.

When I say that I’m doing the best I can with the time that I have available to me, that’s the truth.

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October 31, 2011

Re: More abuse of my name on the Internet

Today I did a Google search on the name “Lena Kochman.” Not only are the other issues that I’ve talked about still there, podbean has now put, or allowed to be put, on a search of my name, the following entry from my first audio blog, castironnerves1:

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castironnerves1 » Blog Archive » 33rd// 10/18/11/Abuse of Caution …

castironnerves1.podbean.com/…/33rd-101811abuse-of-caution-cone…Cached

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October 31, 2011

Of course, it’s not a coincidence that the entry was published on October 22, 2011; whoever is making those selections of my blog entries and making them appear on Google searches of my name is trying to imply that I support child molestation.

There are other code issues there that whoever is doing this is trying to imply, all of which I’ve already settled between me and those people.

I had other things planned for today, to address in the amount of time I have. To contact all of the blogs that are abusing my name online is something that I can imagine could take the entire time that I usually have available to me online, and I can’t do it today and don’t know when I’ll be able to get to it. I don’t imagine I’ll be able to do it before next week.

I can only imagine how much more damage the conglomerate and its supporters are going to do to my name online before now and then, and even so, my being able to get in touch with those blogs doesn’t mean that the issue will resolve soon.

Why the text changed in the middle of these paragraphs, I don’t know.

Copyright, with the noted exception of the way that podbean published or allowed to be published online on a Google search of my name an excerpt from my audio blog, L. Kochman, October 31, 2011 @ 11:20 a.m.

I continue to have the copyright on the contents of that excerpt, as with everything on all of my blogs.

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October 31, 2011

This is probably where I’m going to stop on the Internet today.

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November 1, 2011

Re: Innovation Academy Charter School

I don’t always have a chance to see news on TV. This morning, I saw some of it, and saw in the list of temporary school closings due to the snow that fell a couple of days ago, “Innovation Academy Charter School”.

I looked up Innovation Academy Charter School on the Internet this morning, and went to its website. On the first page of its website, there’s a story that goes to a page that says that the school used to be called “Chelmsford Public Charter School.”

I tried to find out when the name of the school was changed, and found this on Wikipedia, about Chelmsford, MA:

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“The town also had one public charter school, Innovation Academy, serving 400 students in grades five through ten. As of September 2008, Innovation Academy moved to the town of Tyngsborough, currently serving grades five through eleven.”

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November 1, 2011

For a minute, I thought that perhaps the school was simply an unfortunate victim of happenstance, since Wikipedia says that the name change had already happened by 2008. However, the second story listed on the first page of the school’s website says this:

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Innovation Lands in Lowell “In putting together this show… I was challenged to choose between numerous great pieces of student work. It was very difficult.” — Jim Coates, CuratorInnovation Academy recently hosted a one …
Posted Oct 1, 2010 4:13 AM by Thomas Hinkle

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November 1, 2011

That blurb goes to a page that says this:

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Innovation Lands in Lowell

posted May 21, 2010 6:11 AM by Thomas Hinkle [updated Oct 1, 2010 4:13 AM ]

_{“In putting together this show… I was challenged to choose between numerous great pieces of student work. It was very difficult.” — Jim Coates, Curator}_{Innovation Academy recently hosted a one-night satellite exhibition in downtown Lowell, Massachusetts. The purpose of the event was twofold: first, to give students the opportunity to display their work in a true gallery setting and, second, to share the great work that Innovation Academy students are doing with a broader audience. Over 200 people gathered to take in the jazz sounds of the school’s student ensemble, view snippets of the school’s two upcoming performances of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate factory (in Spanish) and A}_{Midsummer’s Night’s Dream and to wander the gallery full of student art work. The show was curated by James Coates, UMASS Lowell professor, who was impressed by the work of the students. Art teachers, Jerry Beck and Ryan Fedinand worked with a number of high school students and parent volunteers to prepare the gallery for the evening.}

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_{November 1, 2011}

_{Everybody knows my views about child molestation. I’m not going to repeat them here.}

_{I’m not giving up chocolate. I don’t crave chocolate every day, nor do I think it good that the myth that women’s unhappiness in an unequal society can be adequately assuaged by essentially trivial palliatives has been an effective marketing tool for as long as it has been. I’m merely asserting my right to live as normal a life as possible.}

_{I know that there are various societal meanings that have at times been attached to the word “chocolate,” and I’m not implying those in this discussion, nor do I mean to imply them in any way.}

_{I don’t have a lot of time to write more on this essay, nor will I probably have more time to work on it. I’ll mention, though, that I looked up the Wonka company today, and that it has an ad for a “Golden Ticket” promotion on the first page of its website.}

_{Here’s my first, sad, ironic attempt at what isn’t really humor about the child molestation issue. It’s not a joke at all, not really; it’s a lament about the books of my childhood; “Is nothing sacred?”}

_{Here’s a rewrite of the scene in “Charlie and The Chocolate Factory” in which Charlie finds the golden ticket:}

_{“There was a brief pause. Then the room erupted with the sound of grandparents shrieking ‘Over my dead body!'”}

_{Copyright, with noted exceptions, L. Kochman, November 1, 2011 @ 10:08 a.m.}

Addition To This Section, November 1, 2011

I’ve said before that my documenting others’ use of code is not the same thing as my using it myself.

I also don’t feel at all bad about the code implications in my impromptu rewrite of one section of “Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.”

The people and organizations implicated in this discussion are responsible for their own behavior.

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November 1, 2011

Re: Food Stamps

I got my Massachusetts food stamps card in the mail yesterday.

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November 1, 2011

Re: Continuing harassment by the city government of Cambridge, MA

Today, as I walked up Mass. Ave. in Cambridge, I saw that, half a block in front of me, there were two, white, male workers for the City of Cambridge Public Works Department. One of them had a broom and a dustpan, and the other had a machine with a motor that he was pushing around on the sidewalk.

As I was about to walk by them, the one with the machine pushed it in front of me, across my path, and then back along the sidewalk next to me toward the direction from which I had walked. The machine said “Billy Goat” on it.

I didn’t say a word to them; I continued up the street.

I crossed at the next cross street, half a block away from them, still on the same side of Mass. Ave. where I had encountered them. I went to a group of payphones to make a phone call. As I was on the phone, the man with the broom and dustpan walked up to the group of payphones and started sweeping around the bottom of them. The payphones were in half-booths, all connected to each other. He had followed me half a block up the street, to start sweeping around those phones.

As he went around the group of phones and reappeared on the other side of them, near me, I said to him “You are really being too aggressive. Everybody knows what’s going on here, and you need to keep some distance from me.” He scowled and got angry, and I reiterated my statement. He did turn and start to walk away, still talking, and maybe I should have left it at that, but I was angry by then, and I raised my voice to repeat to him “You keep your distance from me!” twice. He turned back around, still with the scowl, and raised his voice to me. I looked at the street that I had just crossed, parallel to Mass. Ave., and saw that the man with the machine was in the middle of it, on his way to harass me exactly as the man with the broom had just done. As the man with the machine pushed it up the sidewalk of Mass. Ave. behind me, the man with the broom yelled to him “Document that! Document that!”

Document what? Document the Cambridge city government’s ongoing, personal harassment of me, its use of taxpayer money to pay workers to rip up the roads and follow me around with brooms and machines, to block traffic and parking for weeks at a time?

When I got to the day shelter I had been going to, within 20 minutes of my being in the house, I heard a police car go by outside the building. It sounded its sirens several times, in blips.

When I left the day shelter, there was a Cambridge Public Works Department truck parked on the same stretch of Inman Street where the road had been unnecessarily ripped up and then necessarily repaired in the past couple of weeks. The truck had the number “59” on it, and there was a white, male worker sweeping around one of its back tires.

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November 1, 2011

Re: Bad Behavior

One of the reasons that writing about everything I’ve been writing about for the past year and ¾ has been a continually unhappy experience is that most of what I’ve written has been about bad behavior. Especially in the cases in which I’ve written about ways in which people who never asked to be famous have participated in one or another of the issues, it has often been painful for me to write about the things they’ve done.

I don’t have any reason to believe that they would even have thought of doing those things if the conglomerate hadn’t encouraged that kind of behavior and even threatened people who refused to participate or who showed ambivalence about it.

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November 1, 2011 @ 1:59 p.m.

I’m curious as to whether I’m having problems publishing on podbean because there are a lot of people visiting my site there right now.

Could everyone who’s visiting my site there please leave it for the next half-hour so that I can see if that helps it publish more quickly?

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November 2, 2011 @ 1:48 p.m.

Please, can everyone leave my podbean blog for the next hour so that I can continue to publish things on it? I probably won’t take all of the next hour to work on it, but at least it won’t be so slow, and that’s enough of a time window to do what I can do there for today.

L. Kochman

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November 3, 2011

Re: Cold Weather Nose

Due to the cold weather, my nose is running a lot more than usual. I hope that people who see me rub my nose won’t take offense; I never do it in order to be offensive. I try to be as discreet as possible, but sometimes there’s nothing to do but deal with it in the moment.

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November 3, 2011

Re: Chocolate and Friday Night Lights

When I wrote here on November 1, 2011 that I wasn’t planning to give up chocolate, I did remember that there was an episode in Friday Night Lights, the TV show, last year, after I’d stopped writing for them and was only interacting with them via the Friendster-TV route, that something I’d written on Friendster about the myth that feeding women or any marginalized group palliatives such as chocolate can make up for our lack of full equality in society was taken from my Friendster page and used in the show. I hadn’t written what I wrote about chocolate for that show, or for any show; I was just writing.

I don’t think I was copyrighting anything I wrote online during the winter of 2010, and I didn’t take offense, either from the show’s having taken my idea or from the opposite view that the show demonstrated.

I’ve mostly avoided looking at websites for the actors from the show since the harassment and then other issues got really bad. I didn’t want to see how involved they were; in some cases, there are actors who have been very involved.

It’s sad.

I can’t write any more about Friday Night Lights today. However I’m going to phrase what I have to say about Friday Night Lights, the show, and the people who were in it when I was involved with it, I can’t do it now. I don’t know when I’ll get to it; my list of things that I need to do gets longer all the time, and when you have a lot of feelings about something, and have had a lot of feelings about it for a long time, it makes it more difficult to sort out what you need to say, if there is more to say. Sometimes you also need to sort out, for yourself, if there is more to say.

All I can write here now is that there was nothing in what I wrote on November 1, 2011, that was meant as encouragement for anyone who is and who has been involved in promoting any of the issues that I’m against.

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November 4, 2011

Re: And you can’t make me!

It seems to me that one of the conglomerate’s goals is to turn women into nothing more than observers of and supporters for male achievement. Whatever the achievement is, the conglomerate doesn’t want women to have it or to do it themselves, and the conglomerate certainly doesn’t want any woman to outshine any conglomerate-owned man or woman in any category.

It also seems to me that the conglomerate wants me especially to be spiritless and dejected, and I don’t want to be that way when I can help it. As brutal, deceitful and hideously unfair to me and others as the conglomerate’s behavior is, one way to combat it is to say “You can’t make me feel the way you want me to feel.”

I’m against all of the issues that I’ve said that I’m against. I plan to continue to protest those issues, and I don’t condone or support the behavior of people who promote them.

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November 4, 2011

Re: 5

Here’s something that seems to be an ongoing issue. I really have only slept with 4 people in my entire life. I can’t think of another time that I LIED about something online, but I did when I wrote that I’d slept with 5 people.

As I’ve explained before, the reason that I told the lie and added one person to that number in the fall of 2010 was fear of the conglomerate’s behavior. I’ve never slept with a famous person, or anything like that, and even so, I have continued to be mercilessly abused by the conglomerate for a year and 3/4, and for no good reason. I didn’t want the number of people that I’ve slept with, which is 4, to be confused with the number of actors, which is also 4, who formed the original locus around which the conglomerate has tried to turn calling me horrible names and ruining my life and severely impairing and/or corrupting all women’s lives into a worldwide, permanent way to treat women.

I’m not sure how many times I’m going to need to repeat this; I’m never going to vary this story. That’s what happened.

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November 4, 2011

Re: Metro, “Barcelo,” child molestation, privacy invasions, “New Junior Suites Barcelo Palace Deluxe, from 234 USD per night”/National Geographic KIDS

For its “Weekend, November 4-6, 2011” publication, the front page of the paper version of the free newspaper “Metro” has an ad on the front of it that says “Barcelo: Hotels & Resorts.” The Metro proclaims itself the “#1 Daily Newspaper in Boston Proper.”

That ad has appeared on the front page of the Metro several times in the past several weeks, ever since the day after one night at the Boston Public Library when the last thing I did before leaving the Internet was do a Google search on the name “Barack Obama” and see a blog post of his that had a large ad for “Barcelo” at the top of it.

I don’t think there can be any doubt that the use of their ad at the top of one of President Obama’s blog posts and its subsequent use by the Metro newspaper on its front page were meant to be code for support for child molestation.

Two issues here:

–Nobody should be supporting child molestation.

–Do I really need to explain HOW BAD IT IS that the conglomerate watches everything I do online, and that the Metro, as part of the conglomerate, watched or heard about what I did online on the night that President Obama had that ad at the top of one of his blog posts and has used the same ad on its front page several times since then?

Speaking of Barcelo; I’ve looked at its website for a few minutes. It is advertising: “New Junior Suites Barcelo Palace Deluxe, from 234 USD per night.” Here’s more about that, from its website. I didn’t put the bold print in the excerpt from the Barcelo website.

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“The crown jewel of the Barceló Bavaro Beach Resort complex welcomes you to the clear, calm waters and pristine beaches of Bavaro Beach (named one of the top ten beaches in the world by National Geographic). This all-new 1,366 room mega resort features three distinct, upscale hotel wings consisting of: deluxe junior suites located right on the beach, deluxe family rooms tucked back in its own private area, and a section of high end suites – Club Premium, Panoramic, Master, and Presidential – also located right on the beach.

The resort also features a new Club House addition home to the new restaurants, shopping center, sports bar, spa, casino, and much more, designed in a Las Vegas-style promenade with a Caribbean flair.

Enjoy a new concept of luxury at the best beach in Punta Cana: simply stunning junior suite deluxe rooms . Make your reservation.”

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November 4, 2011

The other day, I wrote that it’s not reasonable to assume that everyone who writes or speaks the word “new” is trying to promote child molestation. That’s true; that word is too much a part of speech to make that assumption about. However, I think that the times when everything that an individual or organization is doing makes its intentions too obvious to ignore, then the intentions are too obvious to ignore.

The excerpt from the Barcelo website also mentions National Geographic. At first, last year, I was surprised at how involved National Geographic was in promoting the abuse of women. I wasn’t surprised today to see that National Geographic not only has continued its abuse of women, but is also involved in promoting the abuse of children. “Hermit Crab,” with a picture of one, “Learn about the oil spill,” and “Canada Geese: These Birds Fly South in a ‘V’ Formation” are only a few things on the first page of the “KIDS” section of the National Geographic Website.

The world is full of things that National Geographic could decide to talk about on its website. Nobody could possibly convince me that the things that I’ve just quoted and described from its website aren’t part of the conglomerate agenda to abuse women and children.

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November 4, 2011

Re: Food Stamps/Why is it that the conglomerate tries to marginalize everything that I say and do in protest of its behavior and tries to make me seem completely inconsequential except for when it thinks it can exploit something that I say or do and use that exploitation to promote something on the conglomerate’s agenda?/That’s close enough.

Yesterday, there was no Pad Thai at the place where I’ve often been buying food since I got food stamps. I am ALWAYS conscious of time, and can’t run all over the place looking for things to buy. The only other choices were one container of Vegan Chicken Lo Mein and several containers of Udon noodles. I’d never had Udon noodles or heard of them before, and didn’t know if I’d like them. I’d also never had Vegan Chicken Lo Mein. However, I’d had non-Vegan Chicken Lo Mein at other times in my life, and I figured that I would probably like the vegan version.

I also bought a red grapefruit.

I did all of the above because, as I’ve said, I need to try not to worry about what I buy on food stamps.

NOBODY should be watching my food stamps purchases, or doing anything else that it’s a crime to watch me do, and NOBODY should be making any decisions based on those purchases, or exploiting my purchases to do things such as promote the executions of the prisoners in Iran, which more than one newspaper did today.

Why is it that the conglomerate tries to marginalize everything that I say and do in protest of its behavior and tries to make me seem completely inconsequential except for when it thinks it can exploit something that I say or do and use that exploitation to promote something on the conglomerate’s agenda?

I feel that I have turned the fact that I have no privacy online to my advantage the best I can, by sometimes using my e-mail account, which I know is hacked, to do and say some things in semi-privacy. I have the right to turn a bad situation to my advantage in any way that I can find to do that.

Maybe what I’m about to say will surprise everyone who reads it, but the fact is that I don’t WANT to be any closer to anyone who hacks my e-mail and other accounts than I am at this time. There is no exception to that statement. I don’t want to meet in person or talk on the phone with anyone who doesn’t respect me or my privacy or who endorses any of the issues that I’m against. I don’t want to e-mail directly with anyone who does those things, or “friend” the person through any social networking system, virtual or not, or be at any less of a distance from anyone who’s doing those things than I am now.

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November 5, 2011

Re: Spit

This morning, there was a story on an early morning news show that said that police are going to be collecting spit as evidence. The show said that spitting on a public bus driver is a felony that has a 20-year prison sentence.

I have often written and talked about the fact that both the interior and exterior of public buses both in the Boston area (including Cambridge) have been used as surfaces to which to attach ads which are harassing and/or promoting of child molestation. I have also written and talked about being harassed by homeless people on public buses that are used to transport homeless people from Boston to the Boston Public Health Commission shelter in Quincy, and how the bus drivers have rarely intervened in any of that. Some bus drivers have even contributed to the harassment themselves.

At least once, I got on a public bus that wasn’t going to a homeless shelter and, as soon as the bus driver saw me, she conspicuously rubbed her nose several times.

I’ve never spit on anyone who works for public transportation. Sometimes, I have spit on the windows of businesses where harassing displays have been made.

I haven’t gone one day without being harassed in more than a year.

The week before this past one, I had just gotten back into Boston from Cambridge. Of course, there had already been several incidents of harassment that day; in fact, if you consider that the harassment in some shelters goes on all night, then you can’t even put a starting time to say how many hours had gone by since I’d started being harassed on that day.

I was crossing the street, and I heard a loud, male cough behind me. I looked over my shoulder, and a young man walked past me. I was tired, and it’s wearing on a person to go through that all the time, especially from people TO WHOM YOU’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING. I said “I could punch you right in the f-ing face” and then I went on my way.

A few minutes after that, I passed by an alcove in a building as I walked along the sidewalk. I heard another loud sound, like a snort, or something that I knew was meant to be harassing. I looked to my left and saw what I think were four young men. I stepped up to the railing that separated them from me, took the railing in my hands, used it for traction and balance, and spat in the face of the man closest to me.

He was very surprised. He said “Wow, really?”

I said nothing; I turned and started walking away from them in the direction I’d been going. I’d gone a few feet before a cup of coffee that one of them threw at me hit me in the head. At least it wasn’t hot coffee.

They provoked me. People provoke me every day, several times a day, and throughout the night also. It’s been like that for what will be 2 years, not a very long time from now.

I didn’t see anything about nonstop, government-endorsed bullying on that TV news show this morning. I didn’t see anything that referenced my having been provoked by people to whom I’d never done anything in my life. I didn’t see anything that referenced my having been hit in the head with a cup of coffee, or, for that matter, having been harassed by 5 men within fewer minutes; first by an individual, and then by a group.

And now, the police are going to be out trying to get samples of my spit so that if I lose my temper on any of the public transportation that is used to be specifically, deliberately, continuously abusive to me and to other women and also supportive of child molestation, I could go to jail for 20 years.

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November 5, 2011

Re: The Boston Globe endorsing xenophobia and Neo Nazism while pretending not to/My food stamps purchases and the conglomerate’s inclusion of Bangkok, Thailand in its agenda today/Carnival Cruises “I just want to bang on the drum all day”

Today, there is a small but very visible picture near the top of the front page of the Boston Globe. It shows young, white men yelling, one with a fist raised. Behind them are billows of mostly red smoke, with some white smoke.

The caption says:

“Thousands of nationalists and Neo Nazis marched through Moscow, calling on ethnic populations to “take back” their countries from a rising Muslim population. A4”

On page 4, there’s a quote above the beginning of the article that says:

“All…people are on the march: football fans, skinheads, national socialists”

Above the article, there’s another article about flooding in Bangkok, Thailand.

Yesterday, I wrote on this blog, “ireallyprotest,”about the fact that I’ve been buying Thai food at a local market.

Also, there is no way that it’s a coincidence that one of the codes for child molestation since the summer of 2010 has been The Big Bang and the Boston Globe ran a story about flooding in Bangkok today.

I have also now seen a Carnival cruise ad several times while watching the news on TV that has the song “I just want to bang on the drum all day” as the background music.

Some of the voiceover for the ad says “Dad seems different,” while showing a family on vacation. The voiceover goes on to describe how happy the father is. One of the first images in the ad shows a young, teenage girl with a bubble of bubble gum obscuring part of her face. Other images in the ad show the father looking ecstatic in a lewd way and also taking disrespectful pictures of the mother while she sleeps. The voiceover says things such as “he’s not calling work, not checking his messages.” The voiceover ends by saying “And now this,” as the image of the teenage girl with the bubble, who has also been shown throughout the ad as being the daughter of the couple, is shown again; this time, the bubble pops.

I don’t have to talk here about what’s implied by that, do I? I don’t have to explain in detail that what’s being implied is that the father has sex during that vacation with his own, teenage daughter?

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November 5, 2011

(Note written on November 7, 2011: I’ve removed what I wrote in this section on November 5, 2011 @ 2:23 p.m.. It may be that I wrote something that was absolutely true; however, I didn’t need to say it the way that I did. Copyright L. Kochman, November 7, 2011 @ 8:23 a.m.).

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November 7, 2011

Re: Stalked by Cambridge Public Works Department workers

This morning, after I’d bought some food on Mass. Ave., I walked up the street and then realized that I’d bought something that was in a yellow container. I went back to the place where I’d bought it and asked for a paper bag.

While I was walking back to the place, I saw that 2, white, male workers from the Public Works Department were in front of the place where I’d bought the food. One of them had a broom and a dustpan; the other had the sidewalk cleaning machine that says “Billy Goat” on it. They swept in front of the place and drove the machine in front of me as I went into where I’d bought my food.

When I went back out onto the sidewalk of Mass. Ave. a few minutes later, the 2 workers followed me up the sidewalk. They stood on either side of me, one with the broom and dustpan, and the other with the machine, as I waited to cross the street to be able to continue up Mass. Ave..

As I approached the street on which I was going to take a right to go to a women’s day shelter, an orange, Cambridge Public Works truck drove out from that corner. From it, a loudspeaker kept repeating “Street Cleaning. Please do not park on the odd-numbered side of the road. You will be ticketed and towed.”

That first truck took the corner onto Mass. Ave., and then took its first left, went around the block, and drove up the street where it had just been and onto which I had turned. They know where I’m going when I take that street.

Once I had gotten to the day shelter and was sitting on the steps waiting for it to open, a truck with a loudspeaker repeating the street cleaning message went past the day shelter 3 separate times.

I AM being stalked by Cambridge Public Works employees and vehicles.

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November 7, 2011

Could everyone please stay off all of my podbean blogs for at least the next hour? It’s going very slowly in the past few minutes, and I know that can happen when a lot of people are listening at once.

I think that probably happens to all of my blogs.

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November 7, 2011

Re: Harassment at the Pine Street Inn

Yesterday, I got a bed at the Pine Street Inn. While I was sitting in the common area, trying to read, a black woman at the table nearest me said to her companions, loudly, “I smell fish.” Several of her companions were also women of color.

The coughing harassment went on for a couple of hours while I was trying to sit on the other side of the common area. It started out bad and got less bad, as some of the ones who perpetuated it got tired of it or annoyed by others who were doing the same thing. Both white women and women of color did it. It wasn’t the majority of women in the room doing it; however, as I’ve said before, the ones who do it are very disruptive. Even though it got less bad over those couple of hours, I finally had to go and sit as far away as I could for a few minutes before dinner; I didn’t want to lose my temper.

I did end up losing my temper in the middle of the night at Pine Street, though. However loud it is, wherever it happens, it’s the same pattern. Usually, one person starts and then others join in. If I move at all, if I turn on one side, if I look at my watch, coughing happens. They watch me all the time.

Finally, last night, I told them to shut up. I called them lowlifes and a bunch of f—ing losers and then I went downstairs to the lobby. After I’d been sitting on the far side of the lobby for about an hour, a staffperson walked up to me and asked me why I couldn’t sleep. I said “It gets loud up there; deliberate coughing.” She, an older black woman, said “It’s not deliberate. If people need to cough, they need to cough.” I said “That’s not true and you know it.” She repeated her lie, and I said, “That’s a lie.” She said “If you can’t sleep while you’re here, you won’t be able to get a bed here; there’s no point to you being here if you can’t sleep. You’re only supposed to be in the lobby for 15 minutes at a time.” I went back to my book while she was talking and eventually she walked away.

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November 8, 2011

Re: An idea for how to address the child molestation issue

Something that I think has been a problem in terms of dealing with the child molestation issue is that I can’t write, from seeing it happen, about the abuse that’s being encouraged to happen. The children and teenagers who are being abused are probably still all mostly being abused behind closed doors, or in school where there’s pressure for nobody to say anything.

There may be thousands of stories on the Internet already, written by children and teenagers, and probably college students, too, who are being harassed in school by other students and by professors. However, there’s probably not one place where those stories are being heard enough for the public to react, or for the influential people who are perpetuating the issues to be horrified at the effects of their own behavior.

I have to say this first; how can a group of actors, especially those who are the most celebrated of their day, say that they can’t imagine what it’s like to be a molested child? Isn’t it their profession to imagine what other people’s lives are like?

They can’t continue to deny that they are supporting child molestation; there’s no doubt that they are.

Yesterday, I thought of something that might help bring reports of other people being abused to the right place.

What if there were something that was linked to everything online, something that would bring the person who clicked on it to a place to make a report about abuse? You sign in without creating a user id, without a password. You write exactly what’s going on, what has happened to you. You give your name, address, phone number, all the identifying information, and then, when you send the report, it goes directly to all the law enforcement agencies, from local to state to federal. That way, nobody in law enforcement at any level can deny or suppress the reports.

The link should be untraceable, so that, if a child uses it, and forgets or doesn’t know how to clear the search history, no parent or other abuser can find out that the child made the report. Even for computers where the parents have set the control panel to track everything that gets looked at online, the link should be untraceable.

There should be questions and explanations geared to all ages, so that children or teenagers who find or hear about the website can be helped to describe what they’re going through.

At the end, they should be told “Keep telling us what’s going on. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t hear from someone right away. If you don’t hear from someone in a few days, write to us again. We want to know how you are doing. Write to us as much as you want. If you forgot to tell us something about what’s happened, write another report.”

There should also be tips on how to stay as safe as possible until help can get to the abused person. Things such as:

–Try to find people whom you can trust and spend as much time with them as you can.

After I thought of that idea, I thought, too, that babies and toddlers can’t talk about what’s happened to them even with an Internet link. Therefore, the website should also say that you can fill out reports if you see or suspect that someone else is being abused; a younger sibling, a friend, a neighbor’s or a relative’s child.

I also thought that there should be a similar kind of website for teachers and others who work with children who are against what’s happening and who are being bullied and constantly pressured by other teachers and administrators to go along with it all. I’m not sure where those reports should go; there’s no reason why anyone should lose or have to leave his or her job for caring about children and for not wanting to be bullied themselves.

I’m not going to copyright this idea; I’d much prefer that as many people use it as possible.

Lena Kochman, November 8, 2011 @ 3:52 p.m.

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November 8, 2011

Re: Abuse at the Women’s Center

I wrote about this first today on my next audioblog, “mycastironnerves4” on podbean.

I cannot believe the way that this one young, female staff member at the Women’s Center is behaving. She hasn’t stopped her loud sneezing and coughing in what will soon be an hour. This is the first time that I’ve been this badly treated by any staffperson here; she is being absolutely awful.

The staff here don’t interact with the guests of the shelter as much as other staff at other day centers do. I haven’t been back to the Women’s Lunch Place in a while, but I’ve been getting along better with staff at On The Rise, because over days of interacting with people they can figure out what kind of person you are. There’s not much that I would be here at the Women’s Center for except for the computer. I don’t mind the mostly hands-off philosophy of the place. Unfortunately, because of the abnormality of the overall situation, I’m NOT being left in peace by those of the staff who are immature and who are being badly influenced by the conglomerate’s behavior.

I’m not here for them to abuse. They have no right to treat me this way.

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November 9, 2011

Re: The Women’s Center

Since the last essay I wrote here was about the Women’s Center, yesterday, it’s a good time to mention that one of the staff went on and on about a fishing village this morning before she left. I don’t know what race she was; I didn’t see her, I just heard her.

The guest of this day shelter who just sat at the computer behind me has started with the coughing. Her coughing is of the “HUH-uh” variety; not as loud, but as offensive. I don’t know what race she is, either; her back is to me.

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November 9, 2011

Re: Sidewalk sign/Laughter/Lying

The place where I’ve been regularly buying food has a market side and a café side. After days of the sidewalk sign for the café side advertising for “Grilled Cheese Truck” and then adding more things on the sign with cheese, ham, apples, and so on, I asked the café manager if she could please find something else to put on the sign.

She’s a white woman, probably in her mid-forties. It was the first time that I’d ever spoken to her. She was wearing a necklace with a large bird on it. She said that she had no idea what I was talking about. She and her coworker started laughing at me.

I turned to her before I walked out the door and said “I don’t know which is worse, the laughter or the lying.”

I meant that I’m not sure which is worse in terms of bad things that people do to other people. It still doesn’t hurt my feelings when people like that laugh at me.

When I have those moments, I’m reminded of what kind of people do that kind of thing; those people aren’t worth feeling bad about, and I don’t. The issue is one of rights being violated; what’s happening is harassment. It’s something that shouldn’t be happening.

Aside from rarely having any fun, the most difficult thing for me, emotionally, about the harassment that’s directed at me is the same as it’s always been; trying to control my temper and also not being condescending to people who behave the way that woman did.

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November 10, 2011

Re: Switchblade and a Cheetos bag at the Boston Public Health Commission shelter in Quincy

Something else happened at the Boston Public Health Commission shelter in Quincy that I think I should talk about.

Last night, I went to the front desk when I got to the shelter in Quincy and was assigned the top bunk to bed #59. Later that night, when I went into the women’s dorm, another guest of the shelter was in that bunk. I didn’t mind it that much; the bottom bunk was empty, so I slept in that one instead, with the staff’s permission.

However, before I could sleep in that bed, I had to remove from it the 2 jackets that had been put on it, side by side; a purple one and a red one.

I think it was about 2 in the morning when I got up and went to the women’s restroom, where a Wet Floor sign had been put in the middle of the floor after I’d gone to sleep. When I went back to the dorm, I went back to sleep. Soon after that, someone was in the dorm with a flashlight. I usually wear ear protection at night, so if there was talking I didn’t hear anything that was said or do much except go back to sleep within a minute, although there did seem to be something going on around my bed.

This morning, when the lights were turned on in the dorm and I got up, I saw that my flip flops had been taken out from under my bottom bunk, where I’d put them. They’d then been put on the floor near my bed, with a knife between them; a switchblade. There was also an empty Cheetos bag between my bed and the bottom bunk of the bed closest to my bed.

If a staffperson was in the dorm last night and left the knife there, he or she might have been trying to be threatening, or he or she might have been trying to set me up; I don’t think that guests are allowed to have weapons in the shelter. It’s also more likely that a staffperson did it than that a guest did; we have to put all of our belongings through a scanner on a conveyor belt at Intake before we can get into the building at Intake, either to stay there or to be bussed out to Quincy. Maybe there are guests who are able to smuggle one knife into the shelter, but it’s something of an extra risk to try to bring one in just to try to set me up for it.

I picked up the knife, opened it to make sure it was a knife, which it was, closed it and brought it to the office. I gave it to the first staffperson I saw and said “This was on the floor next to my bed this morning.”

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November 10, 2011

Re: Nissan billboard/Anti-Theft-and-Abuse/Occupy Boston is showing support for child molestation on its website

This morning, on the bus back to Boston, I saw a billboard that had a Nissan sign on it. The sign said:

“The All-New Nissan Versa From $10,990

INNOVATION UPSIZED”

When I saw that ad, I thought “I’m pretty sure that in the past few days, I’ve written something that had the phrase “vice versa” in it. I’d better write online today about that.”

I’ve probably seen that Nissan ad before; I might even have taken a note about it over a month ago, before I was barred from the place for a month. However, if I have seen the ad before, I definitely wasn’t thinking about that when I used the phrase “vice versa.”

I’ve also written several times about the word “new” before; I don’t want to repeat those discussions now.

I guess I’m not sure that I need to write about the numbers in the ad. I’ve already written a lot about my use of numbers, and defended myself against code accusations on an as-needed basis, and I think I’ve also done better about trying to be consistent with where and how I publish times. I think the lack of consistency for the format for when I publish things has been part of the problem; that’s still difficult sometimes, but, in any case, I don’t put code in the times at which I publish things. I can’t say the same for Nissan and its use of numbers, no matter whom it’s trying to implicate.

I took a look a minute ago at the Occupy Boston website. Its motto is still “We are the 99%! Stand Up! Fight Back!” which is possibly why Nissan put the “99” in its price for the Nissan Versa, hoping to get Occupy Boston involved. The “10” is not difficult for people to figure out to whom it refers. I’m running out of time on the computer, and so I’m going to put this in “ireallyprotest” and not go through a list of names.

The first page of Occupy Boston’s website has something at the top of the page that says:

“’Ocupemos El Barrio!’ Launches in East Boston!”

November 10, 2011

It’s terrible that Spanish has been getting used, in its entirety as a language, as code for child molestation.

That article for Occupy Boston also lists its Facebook Likes as “12,” its Tweets as “22,” then it has a +1 in a box with some colors on it next to a “0,” which is something I’m not going to take the time to find out what the symbol is, only note the number it adds up to, which is “10,” and then it lists “Share” as “6.”

There’s more after that that shows support for child molestation.

I DON’T SUPPORT CHILD MOLESTATION.

I think, too, that I’m feeling very reluctant to allow more words and phrases to get stolen from language and abused by the conglomerate as part of its terrible agenda. The conglomerate has stolen and abused too many things already.

It was all I could do to get a clean shirt and a couple of other things today, and now I have to get shelter. Maybe I’ll be able to do more for myself tomorrow.

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November 11, 2011

Re: The word “new.”

What I’m going to mention about the previous essay is something I didn’t have time to write yesterday; I was on a computer that logs itself off at a certain time and also had to go look for shelter.

I’m sure that, if Nissan could make every letter and every number, everything on its ad code for child molestation, it would. I wrote something similar to that in my last discussion of the word “new,” also, on November 4, 2011. I intended for anyone reading my essay from yesterday both to understand that the word “new” is something that can’t be taken out of the English language, that you can’t assume that someone intends it to be code for child molestation when he or she uses it, and that I’m assuming that others, like myself, try to use their best judgment in trying to figure out what the intentions are behind what people say and do.

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